|
My boyfriend and our future
So my boyfriend and I are in college, he is 22 and I am 20 but we are a only a grade apart. He has to do a fifth year of college due to being in the ROTC program, so we will both be at school next year. We have been "officially" dating for a little over three months but have been essentially dating for six and trying to keep it on the down low because of some other issues. Anyway, before we started dating he brought up the fact that he would probably be deployed at some point in the next five years. Even though he will be in the army reserves, there is a very high change that they will need officers and the he will serve at least one if not two deployments. He told me that I am the first girl he has ever seen a future with (he has mentioned marriage and children) and wanted to talk this over with me before we started getting more serious. He told me I didn't need to give him an answer yet but that it is definitely something I need to be thinking about. It's sort of been skirting around in the back of my head because I know we are still a very young relationship. In theory, yes, I would never leave the man I love because of his service. It's not like he would be going overseas to vacation. He would be putting his life on the line to protect people and I find that incredibly noble and respectable and would 100% support the man that I loved were this the case. I suppose my only reservation is that our relationship would not be strong enough or that I wouldn't see enough of a future with him when the time comes. I'm only 20. and while I do see a future with him right now, I'm not naive and I know I still have a lot of growing up to do. I just don't want to say I will be there right now and then say "oops never mind!" should the time come. I guess I just really don't know how to approach the whole topic. I know he deserves an answer and some sort of security because he doesn't want to invest time in someone that will just leave him down the road for something he has no control over. A lot of my friends romanticize the whole thing, "tell him your heart will be here waiting!" but, come on. It flatters me that he wants to look so far into the future but I'm still trying to figure out what that means and he and I are still trying to figure out our feelings for each other. I don't have any friends or family in the service or married/dating someone in the service and that kind of input/perspective would be incredibly helpful!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Hey there ))
Everyone of is different and unique and each of us has his/her perspectives about life and how they want to live it! You cannot deem one perspective being good/right and the other being bad/wrong. Given the fact that you have been dating for just over five months, I completely agree and understand your struggle to commit to anything just yet. In fact I respect the fact that you are being honest about how much and what you feel towards your friend. You are absolutely right in thinking and questioning these things.
Coming to your concern, it's unfortunate that he may be deployed to some station in coming years and you both may not get enough time together to know and see the relationship growing. At the same time, I am guessing that the guy is a little serious types and perhaps does not believe in giving enough time to know each other. There is one kind of love where you meet a partner and you just know that you both are meant for each other. There is that strong chemistry at mental and physical level which is very obvious and magical. I don't see that is the case in your situation. The fact that you posted this question speaks a lot.
So, here is how I would think about it. You both are in the age where love/romantic feelings are at it's peak and so are the chemicals rushing all over the place. I know you respect the guy for whatever he is. But respecting his values and views does not mean that you disrespect your feelings. You are not someone who would let a guy go just like that only because he is going to be away for a while serving his country or whatever. Today you are worried and concerned about how he might feel if you tell him that this is not going to work out (for whatever reason). But that fear is only because you don't want to see him being hurt. It's like you saying 'OMG, here is this guy, wanting to spend rest of his life with me and I am thinking all this, just because he is going to be away from me for few years'. Well, that is not the only thing though )) You have to take a more bold and mature stand for the good of everyone concerned i.e. you and him. I would suggest you to let it go! It's better to hurt him now (as it is you guys have been dating for only 3-4 months, which is nothing) rather than later. If you don't speak up NOW, he will be under assumption that you are for it and you will keep wondering what is all this going on. In short, your relationship with him will be stuck and kind of a mess. You have to owner yourself and him. By not being honest to him now, in a way you are betraying him. Sure, he may be devastated, mad at you, feel terrible and many more things. But that is absolutely OK. And you don't need to explain him more than needed, just to make him feel good about it. You both are very young and there is whole youth and life in front of you. Trust me, what you call love or love feelings will come again for some other person. And I am saying this for you and for your friend. You have to trust your feelings, your heart, your soul and moreover honor him and yourself. Be honest to the core and just tell him how you feel. Don't try to sugar-coat your sentences and confuse him more about it. Be polite, be gentle, be compassionate at the same time be absolutely clear. He would respect you more as a person if you tell him the truth about what you feel. You both may end up being good friends for life. You and him, both will find your new partners very soon after your let this go. Imagine how beautiful it would be, when you both communicate 5 years from now, when you both are happy with your life, laughing over the emotions and mess that you would have had to go through, had you not confessed.
I think I went little haywire about the whole topic. So I would recommend to let it go and be honest at the core. And you either love someone or you don't! There is no in between )) I can tell you honestly that you don't love him, the way you would want to love someone. And you are not answerable to anyone, neither to him nor your common friends )) You are only answerable to yourself. The matter of fact is that, you would be betraying him and yourself if you don't open up and express yourself to him. So don't give it too much thought. The more you think about it, the more your ego mind would put you in fear of rejection. Just find a quiet place to sit for an hour, everyday for 2-3 days. Just sit, relax, breath and ask your heart - Do I really want to continue this? I bet the answer would be NO! Once you are sure about that, stop thinking about it or asking anyone. Just call him and talk to him.
On the flip side, if you both are meant to be together, you would end up being together no matter what. So don't worry about it. Spiritually speaking, this is a learning for you and your friend, to be yourself! ))
Let me know how it went...
Much love and light hugs ))
]
More Questions: |