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humorist-workshop
Taking it hard
I recently had two big relationships end. One was romantic and the other was a really good friend. Both were guys. Ever since I have just hit a low and I've been in such a funk. I know that's probably common but I can't help but to beat myself up over both. They weren't my fault at all but I feel so unlikable. I think the thing that makes me feel the worst is that I don't think either of them misses me. I feel like I don't and never did mean anything to them. My question is if anyone has ever dealt with this feeling what helped you overcome it and pick yourself back up? Thanks so much in advanced (:
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I've had bad romance situations in the past but dear, I was in the different place and more confident of myself and not giving in to self hate, or self beating or distorted thoughts as you are. That hon, is the major problem here.
We all have our faults and at some point in time, when we all meet our mate for life, no matter how perfect we are for each other, there are going to be things about each other that we can choose to let irritate or frustrate us or make us upset or hurt. It all starts with our thought life. While you may not have done anything in the relationships that are bad and could possibly kill a relationship, you may have to come to the point of being willing to really look at yourself to see if there is something about you and your character, how you act that repels instead of attracts people.
I'll give some examples, the most common is being way more shy and introverted than the other person. Think of yourself, have you ever been attracted to befriend people who fade into the background, stare at the ground and won't hold eye contact and can barely say a word to you let alone a whole conversation? This is what I am getting at. While you may not be like this, there could be other things about you that just don't draw the attention of and keep the attention of others. You need this basic step working first before you have a chance of someone wanting to spend enough time around you to have a chance of falling in love with you.
Also, a person can say they like you or love but the power behind those words is lacking because they are using the words more as a preferance, as in I like pizza and I love cheesecake. As much as I love cheesecake, I won't feel like dying if I can no longer have it, but if I were to lose the love of my life, someone who truly was in love with me, I would feel like I was dying inside and life would never be the same. When we are young, we are just starting to learn about the other sex in relationships and what works, what doesnt, and what signs to look for that spell out whether a person has ulterior motives, is mentally ill, is abusive, or is a wonderful person. I didn't know what to look for when younger and married a person who was not a good man. I had to learn the hard way. I didn't even have computers and internet as you do when I was young. So at least you are asking and that is good.
Here is something I learned through my life experiences that might hopefully help you. I needed to learn to really love myself first. Its really all about that bible verse about loving your neighbor as yourself. That means to love all other people in our life (thats who neighbor refers to) we need to follow the model of how we already love ourselves. We may love ourselves in some ways but I discovered one major way I wasn't loving myself was by choosing to remain in a marriage, taking abuse on a daily basis instead of just leaving. I finally woke up one day and realized that I needed to never settle for less again, and if I loved myself, I would do whatever I could to protect myself from the bad behavior of others by not associating with them. When a child and its family, you're stuck until you turn 18 and can leave. Other than that, we have no excuse. So once I left him, everything started falling into place for me. Next was getting back into the dating world and I realized my self confidence wasn't where it shoould be. I practiced by borrowing self confidence of famous actresses, ones I found one little thing about myself that I felt I had in common, for me it was my eyes. But everytime I pictured in my mind being her, everywhere I went, people commented on my eyes. That jump started my own confidence. So when I put myself on a dating site, my self confidence came out in what I wrote. I told people about myself, making no apologies for who I was, just straight and simple, explained who I was at core and therefore, that largely played a role in what I was looking for in a guy. So for the guys, I had a list of criteria they must be able to meet to even write to me, I didn't want them wasting my time otherwise. With what I learned with the ex, I now was older, wiser and knew how to spot warning signs early on. So I did go out with some guys 2 times, maybe 3 but eventually they showed something of their true self by the 2nd or 3rd time that I absolutely would not consider in a guy. For some reason, being so picky and telling guys what I wanted and that no one could make me settle for less or give in, it attracted guys like flies. I then read some articles about men who were tested while in a room with different women, a party I think it was. Some looked like models, some just average and some had good self confidence, some did not. What the study showed was that no matter what the looks of the woman, the men found themselves more attracted to spending time with the ones who had self confidence.
These things are the two things I know that can affect how you attract and keep both friends and partners, outgoing vs shy, and self confidence over lack of confidence. So stop beating yourself up and take some time to write a list about all your good qualities. Be honest and write a few of the areas you really need to work on too. You may discover possibly some things that might be sending messages to others that push them away.
Or again, perhaps you need more help with picking winners as it could just be the last couple people were just bad apples. If you have any more questions, just write me. Good luck.
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