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Never thought id ask a question on this site again, but here I am.
I would like to share a hurtful story of mine to you all, and anyone who takes the time to read this will be greatly appreciated. I started dating this guy, I'm 22 and hes 29. We were good friends before we started dating, but ever since he met me hes tried to get me to be with him and I always used to mess around and was never really interested. To keep it short, we got together and I fell incredibly in-love with him. He is a judge and I am still a student in college. His job means everything to him and its his number 1 priority. That, I can understand, but let me further explain our situation. He has a perfect life, hes gotten everything hes ever wanted since the day he was born. I on the other hand have a very difficult life. Family problems, financial issues. We come from 2 completely different worlds and I always knew this but I figured it was worth a shot. What I didnt really like about him was the fact that he lacked a lot of depth and characteristic traits that I looked for in a person- He was a bit robotic and he lived his life by the book of whats right and whats wrong. I am a very charismatic person, very friendly and I have a lot of personality traits that I am constantly complimented for and he was heads over heels for me because he felt that hes never met a girl like me in his life. (Which is not a lie because where i live, girls here are pretty empty minded and only care about superficial things like money, cars, and practically anything they can get their hands on when it comes to guys) so he used to feel like I was a real person and that I was one of a kind because I looked a lot further than that. (Ps, I dont like in America so social standards are considered extremely important here where I am ) Anyway. My father is a supporter of a specific group (ONLY) a supporter and usually posts his opinions on Facebook and likes to share his thoughts on his profile) However, my ex, assuming he is a judge, is against everything my father is for. We were talking once and supposedly he came across my fathers profile and asked me about the things he posted and I told him that he wasn't LEGIT from the group but that he supports them and that this is his opinion and he cant change that. He told me that he doesn't want to change it, but that it is harmful for his job assuming that he is a judge and that if ever got involved with someone who has a family member of this certain group, he would get fire and he broke up with me through a text message telling me this. That he doesnt want a relationship and that he doesnt want to deal with anything ( he practically ran away ) and made me feel like complete shit about myself even though he has no idea what hes talking about. I know my father and what he does on the daily so I know that it is nothing more than just an opinion and I still believe he has every right to believe what he wants. After he broke up with me, he contacted me 2 days later asking to meet up. So i gave him a chance and went to see him. We talked things out, I told him how hurt I was that he didnt even bother talking to me about this in person and how he had to reach out to me VIA text and how thats not the way to go. Assuming he is almost 30 and I just turned 22, He would be a little more mature than me. But i guess not. He apologized and told me he wouldnt do it again and that hes incredibly sorry and that he loves me. I told him he had nothing to worry about and that when I got back from the states (because I was traveling a few days after) that i would talk to my dad to stop posting these stuff because I know what his intentions are and I know that if i told him not to post them because i have someone in my life that is against , would for me in a heartbeat. Anyways, we were okay after that and fixed things and then When i came home, i called him and he didnt answer- sends me another text message saying that hes sorry but he feels like we should take a pause in our relationship because he doesnt want one right now and feels uncomfortable. I called him crying and told him that we were just together and talked everything out and we were fine. He told me hes sorry and just kept saying Im just not comfortable, please understand. So i was like "If you want to take a pause, then take it for good, its over" and shut the phone. This was 2 days before I left the country. No "I hope you get there safely" or anything. We didnt speak for a week but he was constantly liking my posts and pictures on instagram. He contacted me a week after that trying to see how I was doing and what i was doing on vacation and I would response to every text message because I loved him so much. I started letting him in slowly. He would text me everyday and try to make the effort and I felt like he wanted to fix things, and so, being stupid and inlove, i eventually gave in. We talked about things and he told me he was sorry and that hes an idiot-- and that He was just afraid it would harm his job. I told him that I already told him he had nothing to worry about and that he made a big deal out of things and that EVEN if he wants to leave me, that is not the way-- to just blow me off and act like I never meant anything to him. We said we would talk about things when I got back and we were set on being together again. He asked me to get a few things for him while I was over there and I did. I got him everything he wanted. When i got back from vacation he was always blowing up my phone, asking to see me, and so I went to see him. So i went to surprise him and told his friends that I was coming and it was actually a nice day, he was shocked and we hugged and hung out a lot. There was still chemistry but we couldnt talk about anything because all his friends were there. And I had told him that we needed to talk things out before anything because I dont feel like i can trust him and that he really hurt me so it wasnt going to be that easy for him to get in my life again. I always reminded him of this when I was on vacation so he doesnt think that just because were talking it means were on good terms. So the second and (last ) time I went to see him we started talking about everything. I told him more about my life and how he had to accept me for who i was. I told him that I never had perfect things like him and that I actually struggled in my life and that it wasnt my fault. I told him that Ive learned alot through the years and that Im happy that I faced a few problems because it makes me who I am. I really wanted to open my heart up to him since he was the person that I was going to be engaged and married to. And he kept telling me that I needed to trust him and be honest (although there really isnt anything so terrible about my life at all) its just that Im a very private person so i dont like to talk about even the slightest thing. He told me he doesnt mind anything else but the only thing he was worried about was my dad situation. I told him that even if my dad turned out to be something he didnt accept- that there would be a way to deal with the situation and not run away from it. Seeing how my dad is a very kind and nice man and would do anything to see me happy. He agreed and told me I was right about everything and how wrong and ridiculous he was and how much he loves me. I told him that I still feel worried and that I cant trust him anymore because I feel like he will always leave me if we face any issues at all and he kept convincing me that he never would and that it was just a mistake and he wont do it again. And i remember he put his arm around me and went "Your scared youll wake up to another text message, right" and i was like yeah, I hate that. Like if your going to break up with me atleast call me or ask to see me. He was like I promise it wont happen again and you can trust me. We were in the car that day when he was taking me home and we started cuddling and kissing on the cheek. I didnt wanna kiss his lips because I still felt like i didnt trust him enough. (Hes never been a pervert, and Ive met a lot of guys so I know what kind of person he is ) he was like I havent seen you in a month, I miss you and i miss your kisses and I refused because I felt like it was too early to give him my all. It felt as if it was enough that I was already so close to him but I couldnt help it. But i didnt wanna push it. I felt like it was a bad idea. He took me home that day and it was lovely. He kept telling me to text him in the morning because he missed my morning texts, started calling me baby again and it was as if nothing changed and I thought to myself. Wow, this man finally wants to prove his love to me. The next day everything was okay and we were fine, I called him to say goodnight because I had work in the morning and he was like Goodnight and we were sweet and fine. Then I wake up randomly at 4 in the morning, there was something in my heart that told me to look at my phone. And when I did what do i see? Another text message saying "I really dont want to bother you again, but i really dont want to be in a relationship right now, Im sorry but I dont want to be in any kind of relationship at this time, please lets stay friends and dont block me out of your life. " I wrote him a paragraph saying that i expected him to do this again-- and that I realized that he wasnt the person for me anyways and that I was eventually going to tell him that sooner or later, and that I dont want to be his friend but for him to have a good life and take care of himself, goodbye" He saw the text and never replied. Its been 3 days and Im not waiting for him to talk to me either. I am in horrendous pain. I literally am suffering so much and it pains me to even write about this. I feel insulted, rejected, back stabbed and most of all pathetic because I gave him another chance. I have no intentions of letting him back into my life and that is why I blocked him off of social media. I cant believe that someone could sit down with you and convince you that they would never do all the things that hurt you again-- and do it 2 days after. It drives me insane that there are people in this world that dont have the heart. I was so good to this man and I never upset him, never made him feel bad, never hurt him and this is how I got treated at the end. He did break my heart but more than that he broke my ego and it is so hard to let go of him because I am so attached but I know that Ill never trust him again. I know that at this point, i shouldn't even care about whether or not he will ever talk to me again, but seeing how it is still fresh, that question is constantly going through my mind. Wondering if hell ever contact me again or care. We were in each others lives for a long time. A year in total and I truly gave him my all. I feel that he might contact me again because He did the same thing twice and managed to come around again. So i feel like this is a circle and that you can tell a lot about what a person will do next based on their past actions. ALL my friends keep telling me that he will come back and talk to me but that I should never take him back and I KNOW i never will. But i feel like if i was the one to reject him and make him feel like he lost something, this would be a little easier on me. My self esteem is 0 and I feel like complete shit about myself. And im not looking for any kind of answer, Im just looking for some advice on what you all think will happen or how you view this and what your thoughts are. Anything is appreciated and sorry is this is long. Thank you.
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Hon, his issue with what your Dad posts is a red flag that this person, nice as he may be, is not going to work out for you.
My own husband talked to some friends working in government jobs when he was looking for work years ago and was told that they don't just look at you and your own history and background but they are just as critical of any family members who have been in trouble with the law or have supportive views of groups, issues, etc. that go against what the government deems safe or a home land security issue possibility in the future if not at the moment. So if he's wanting to be a judge, thats government. He has chosen that profession which means, its already too late. Even if your Dad were to no longer post such things, he did in the past and thats enough. We found out the hard way that his friends were right when he applied for some of these jobs and never got an answer back. Rather than reject him cus of this reasoning which sounds shakey and sounds like the kind of case where a discrimination case could go thru court and the rejected job applicant easily win, the government chooses often to not ever say yes or no. Its the way it is. He may have asked around and found out how big a deal it really is.
Men can juggle many priorities but it is important you find a guy who makes you one of his top 3 priorities in his life. Due to the nature of his job, he can't do that even if he wanted to.
He must really be impressed with you to keep coming back to talk to you and then again reasoning comes back to him and he calls it off and becomes cold and distant again.
You already have mentioned several different things where you both differ too much that even if he didn't have a government job and could be with you, I still personally don't have high hopes that he is a good match for you.
Try writing a list of what you are looking for in a guy by first doing some of what you did in this letter, describing yourself, but more in depth and from that list coming up with a list of needs that you personally would have in a man.
What I mean for example is that since I am a chatty person, I needed to find someone who likes to talk and does well in consistantly communicating well with me so a guy who was more introverted and not into sharing his thoughts or feelings would be wrong for me and we'd both drive each other up the wall just for simply being ourselves.
While it is true that a person can change some things about themselves if you are really that important to them, I believe that excludes ones personality and character and has more to do with social mistakes and such, manners, etc. like for example, a spouse doesnt like something you shared in a group setting and confronts you angrily in front of others instead of waiting to have a calm discussion once alone and private. That is immature, unthoughtful behavior that can be changed if someone loves you. But some things can't be changed about a person and the one who tries just to get the one they love, ends up feeling resentment for their situation later and it all falls apart eventually. Better to not go down that road in the first place.
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Well first off let me say that im very sorry for your situation and that no one should have to go through that.
Let me give you some advice that i hope will stick with you as you get older and helps you to view the people and people around you in a different and better way. You need to learn to detach from certain situations that (at the end of the day) arent your problem.
But anyway, here it is....we are ALL traveling on our own paths in life, and sometimes youll cross paths with someone GOOD and sometimes it'll be someone BAD, and theres going to be people who come and go from your life and some will stay longer then others. Your (now ex) sounds like he doesnt know what he wants in life and is moving at a different pace and direction in life then you and thats OK, but if he really wanted to he could change for someone if he wanted to be them badly enough, and apparently he doesnt have the motivation to be able to change and adapt right now. We ALL move at our own pace, and some move faster then others. Here you are looking towards the future, (because thats your pace) and here HE is not even able to look beyond a day or two) because thats HIS pace. see?
The point is, to find people who move, at the SAME pace as you so that your always on the same path, running along side each other towards a better life and wanting more for yourself. Not someone whos casually walking behind you progress wise, because well....they just dont wanna try that hard or arent ready to move that fast.
In this aspect of life, theres nothing you can do for someone like that ok. HE has to realize what hes doing wrong and it may be a very long time before he does or is willing to admit it, SAY hes going to change and then put those words or thoughts into action. You can try to talk things out with him as much as you want (like you mentioned you did) but really after the moment has passed, theres only a few things that are going to stick with him later.
We are ALL a constant work in progress, you HAVE to continue to live your life, work on yourself, be with your best friends, and look toward the future. HE will come to realize what he has done in his own time, and its not your job to teach him those things, if he has half a brain in his head then he will figure it out on his own when he never finds a girl as good as you again. He may even find another girlfriend in the future but she WONT be YOU and it wont be the same kind of love because love is different from person to person, its never the exact same depth or deepness. So dont ever think that your replaceable because your ex HAPPEN to find someone new...(even if they DO happen to be good looking) cause looks are only skin deep.
I can understand you feeling like its a loss to you, but hes also losing something too by continuing to sabotage things with you.
My theory in life is that you can either stand still while the world continues to turn around you and the clock continues to tick by and moment by moment slowly losing your time here on earth, or you can push on, adapt, change, grow with the others who arent standing still, and have a good life.
Your ex is at a point where even though he has a great job, he is standing still relationship wise....and hes losing precious time on earth to find that someone special.
Your still young too so dont think for a moment that you cant or wont ever find someone else because thats complete B.S, my grampa is in his 80's and still has girlfriends ok. lol. Its NEVER ever, too late to at the very least just have a companion because all you really want at the end of the day is someone that makes you laugh. ; )
youll live sweeite. good luck.
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