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lonely
Hi,
You answered my previous question about being lonely and not feeling connected, and told me I could write to you to share more so you could be of more help.
I am going to address some of the things you mentioned in your answer as well as give more information about some things. So:
1. You suggest getting my family doctor to check my hormone levels. My family has a family doctor, but we only go to the doctor when we are due for immunizations, or if we are sick. It's never really been explained to me, but basically if we don't absolutely NEED to see the doctor, we don't. Which I don't understand, we live in Canada, don't we have free healthcare? Anyway, not sure getting hormone levels checked is really possible...and also if I mentioned thinking my hormone levels were out of whack to my mother, I would have to explain why I thought that was a possibility, and, no offence to you or this site, but this isn't exactly a reliable place for health information, and I"m not really supposed to be on any websites except for those necessary for homework and social media(even that is limited).
2. Relationships with family...this is really really complicated. I'll start with my brothers. They are 13 and 15. We used to get along really well; I still get along well enough with the 13 y/o, but the 15 y/o and I have not been getting along well recently. All he wants to do is play video games, and all he will talk to me about is video games(and I have almost no interest in video games). I listen, just to be nice and try to engage him, but I don't enjoy those conversations. He also seems to find a lot of pleasure in finding little things that will bug me a lot. For example, he found out what my least favourite song was and plays it just to annoy me. He puts his shoes on my part of the shoe mat in our entranceway. Stuff like that. Yeah...
Okay relationship with mom...it's pretty great, I mean compared to some of my friends I have a great relationship with my mom. However, there are some topics that I feel like are off limits for conversation with her, but I would really like to talk about, like: boys, my body, anything related to sex(probably because we are Christian), negative emotions(well I can talk about them, but she doesn't want me to go on and on, and kind of pushes them off a little), and questions about why our family does things the way we do. We do talk quite a bit about stuff that happens in my life and whatever...just some things seem to be not allowed
Okay the most complicated part is my relationship with my dad. He is a really great man, but we don't always get along great. He helps me with my homework, and if I ever want to play a board game or go for a walk, he is almost always available. But conversations with him are difficult, to say the least. Basically it feels like almost anything I say he will judge me for. I mean once I said that the sky was a pretty colour of blue and he responded in a negative manner. With him, there are DEFINITELY topics that are off-limits. Actually it's not just conversation topics... there's a lot of stuff off limits with him. He has a lot of rules, like my clothes can't be too tight, short, bright, low-cut....etc....and his idea of too tight/short/whatever is very different from mine and my mom's so I can't wear the kind of clothes that I like, the clothes that are in style...basically I'm wearing loose jeans with baggy t-shirts all the time and I feel like I look like a frumpy old lady...but that's not what I'm talking about here...anyway yeah my dad seems to have something against nearly every aspect of popular culture: fashion, books, movies, music....and I can't even mention any of those things in his presence without him criticizing me. There are so many things that I didn't even realize were outside his limits of what is "okay" until I mentioned them...now I am almost afraid to bring up topics other than like school or our plans for the weekend (well and a few other safe topics) because I am afraid that something I say will be outside of his morals and then he will criticize me and make me feel like I did something wrong, when most of the time what I said wasn't bad at all.... And he doesn't seem to understand my feelings sometimes too...Like the other day I was all excited because I had just been accepted to university, and I told him at supper, all excited like, and he was like "well getting in isn't the hard part".....like couldn't he at least be happy for me? It was a school that I didn't even want to go to, I only applied because he wanted me to!
3. I've realized that I do still feel like I connect with my friends, but only while I am actually talking to them. Whenever we actually have conversations, which isn't often because we are all so stressed because we have exams next week, but on the bus or once in a while at lunch, we do talk and I am happy and I love being with them. However, when I'm at home doing homework or in class without them or sitting at lunch watching them do homework, I just feel lonely.
4. Yes I definitely need a lot of one on one conversation. My problem is that I have so much schoolwork to do and a job and extracurriculars that I don't have time to talk to people, and when I do have time to talk, they don't have time for me.
5. I wonder if part of the problem could be the amount of stress I have at school right now. Exams are next week and I have a lot of studying to do. I am a good student, but I have to work pretty hard.
6. In the past I have kept a journal to record my feelings, but recently I have been too tired by the time I look at my journal to actually want to write anything. Also, I find it really hard to express myself briefly, so when I write in my journal, it often takes me like half an hour to get through all of my thoughts and then I am going to bed even later than I was going to (which was already too late).
Okay..that's a lot of information...I'm not sure it was all relevant, but it felt good to get it all out.
Thanks for taking the time to read my questions and look at them and think about my situation. I really appreciate it!
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Thanks for your answers. I do believe most of it is all related.
You may be right that exams coming up at school are a part of the problem but I feel they are only secondary to the real issue here.
What I see as the key problem is that you have no one to talk to about any topic on your mind, to confide in, be able to be yourself in sharing your views, information or stories without fear of condemnation or such reactions.
You would have at least your friends to talk to a little but like you, they are all focused on studying for exams and not really available emotionally or conversationally to just freely chat without watching the time.
You dont have siblings to talk to even. No sisters, just brothers with one only wanting convo's related to gaming which is not going to satisfy your real need to relate to others in conversation.
The worst is having well meaning parents who love you and feel they are doing the right thing in how they are raising you but it does not meet the very basic needs of any teen girl.
I don't think badly of them. I used to be in their shoes with the Christian background and raising my kids by the standards the Church was teaching or at least strongly implying to all church members.
Heres a bit of my history to explain what I see as the problem based on what I have experienced.
I wasn't raised in a Christian home but as a teen decided to start attending a youth group and from there, married a guy in the church and continued on from there. I remember as a young adult going with husband as counselers to help at a church youth retreat one summer at a lake. It was hot and everyone was wearing summer wear and bathing suits. I wore a decent 2 piece but was shocked when church leaders approached my husband and told him to talk to me that as a counselor, I had to set a good example for the kids and what I wore was not acceptable for a Christian woman. It would cause young boys to have their thoughts stray to sex and basically...the church wanted to avoid anything they felt might cause a young man to have a hard on.
And this dear is the whole crux of a majority of the problems in the church, good intentions but way too misguided and impractical. What familys and church were trying to do was totally shield young boys from ever seeing or hearing anything that might make them horny, rather than teach them how to deal with it. Behind this all is the belief of no sex before marriage and that included masturbating. What they failed to see was how impractical this is because the boys would see girls at school, on the street, at the dentist office, the grocery store, in the park, dressed in ways that might make their bodies respond in the way God made our bodies to work.
They fear that our bodies reacting in a sexual way to what we see, even females, is a sin. It is something that we biologically can't control. But we can control our thoughts and know to remain faithful to remain a virgin despite how we get turned on, or remain faithful to a spouse. How a young girl is dressed by the way has nothing to do with protecting her from a twisted soul bent on raping women. A good portion of raped women were not dressed provocatively in any way and sometimes are even extremely plain in looks to elderly. My own daughters experienced similar problems, even with fellow Christian friends at school. I remember my middle daughter coming home upset saying her Christian friends didnt approve of her new top saying it was too revealing. Most her friends were heavy set while she was slender with a good size chest that couldnt be hid unless wearing a sack. This top had a scoop neck line that didn't end anywhere near her bra and the fabric didn't pull away from the body to allow glances down the shirt to see her bra or more of her chest. I never agreed with what the church had to say on sex and dating and dress codes but pretended to go along as I really didn't know of anything else better out in the world than the church, I didn't know of any other better options.
I even attended a wedding of a young couple right after I married where they had been raised by parents like yours who couldn't even talk about personal body matters, let alone sex and dress codes were strict. No kissing or hand holding until married in fact in this case. And so, I witnessed something I'll never forget my whole life, when the pastor said the groom could kiss the bride, the poor gal was so afraid of not knowing what to expect from a little kiss let alone her very first kiss from this guy in front of an audience, that she fainted and didn't revive for some time. Some wedding! A couple months later, news was whispered among the church goers that the couple had their marriage annuled because neither of them ever had sex together. They were too afraid of experiencing this very common and wonderful part of life even under the right circumstances.
The other part to a church going overboard on some things has to do with Hell and Satan and anything that in their minds even remotely comes near to their way of understanding of being someting evil in influence or of the devil. I have met more people who talk about the devil and see troubling spirits in the church congregation than I have ever met in regular society. Most of these people live in fear every day. I was told to not allow my kids to have anything to do with Harry Potter books when they were kids. When one teacher was reading the book to class, I asked that my daughter not have to hear it but read her own book and so they let her sit out in the hall during that portion. Now I could kick myself for putting her through that. Later in life, when the first movie came on TV, I came upon it and watched a portion on TV, realizing it was nothing more than fantasy like the Lion Witch and the Wardrobe which the church approved of because of the author. I saw then that I had not been thinking for myself, choosing to just go along with what I was told in this area. Your parents may have been raised in Christian homes which makes their views even stronger and as far as practical and working to teach how to live as a believer in an ugly world, next to impossible.
This is what your real problem is dear.
So as I see it, you have until you turn 18 and are legally an adult, to begin making your own choices in life, whether they reflect your parents views, are a less strict version or totally different. This also means, there is little likelihood that you will ever have any real helpful conversations with either parent unless the Holy Spirit somehow touches their lives and changes their hearts by showing them Gods path for them and how in their good intentions or how they were raised, that they in fact are not even on the path God meant for them. It wasn't for me, until I started listening to the counsel of the Holy Spirit that I made it back on the path but in a much more healthy style.
You can't change your parents. You can only choose to do what is best for you.
If you choose to obey your parents all long as you are under 18, then you will have to do without a lot of the very practical talk you need, none of which is evil or wrong but a very important part of life, but somehow your parents are at a place where they cant handle the subjects, not thinking about, not talking about. A girl should be able to talk to Mom if she felt she had a bladder infection or vaginal infection which can happen to virgins too but don't cus the parents would think she'd been sexually active. So many teens live in fear, are miserable or have a real medical need and yet can' broach the subject cus its off topic with the parents.
This is not good nor healthy for you. I don't propose disobeying your parents wishes. But I do suggest you use some sound reasoning regarding your life dear. If a child were born to misguided parents who felt alcohol with a meal was okay and had all the kids do so but later became alcoholics and expected their kids to drink with them until drunk and passed out, would you feel the child should respect those parents rules on drinking and do so without choosing something different. I dont think anyone would say that is okay but there are some pretty bad parents out there who make life hell for the kids who don't go along with their lifestyle and rules. Kids are basically helpless until they qualify as an adult legally and can get help for them-self. So they go along with the show to keep a roof over their head, food in their stomach and clothes on their back.
There was a law passed for teens, the Hippa law, regarding anything related to the sexual organs, cycles, etc. so that teens who couldnt approach the parents could still legally on their own go get advice or help from womens clinics or Planned Parenthood. Many churches have hate for any place that may do abortions but it doesnt make any of the rest of what they offer bad, any more than a diabetic deciding to avoid grocery stores because they offer products with sugar in them which is bad for them. It comes down to the choices and convictions of the individual.
Right now, You could say you are in defiance to your parents by even writing to us when this is a site they would not approve of you using as it doesnt fit their limits. I encourage you to pray and ask God if it is okay for you to seek information and or help if needed on subjects your parents won't allow such as anything personal and or related to your cycle. This Hippa law keeps your visit to a clinic totally in confidence and the parents will never know.As to how God would view such an thing, is it bad to intentionally keep a secret like this from them? Maybe some would think so, but hon, I want you to know that through my life, I've discovered God looks more at the intent in my heart, my reasons behind my feelings or decisions rather than a black and white following or breaking of a rule or law. Yes, It is important to honor the parents but it is also important that you get some basic need to talk on certain subjects met. Clothing you can wear what they say until you turn 18, and it won't hurt you, but in some cases, foreknowledge is important and since there is no longer sex ed in schools, most teens know very little these days and believe one can can pregnant from swallowing a guys cum. There is no way that can biologically happen as the stomach is not connected internally to your womb.
So if you have a need to chat on a particular subject, there are plenty older people on this site with lots of good advice, and there are younger people with not as much life experience and it could be sometimes not the best advice but that is something for you to sort through. As long as God can see your heart is not angry at the parents or trying to hurt them by seeking advice, only getting the help you need, then you should be fine. You do need people to talk to and soon your friends will be past their exams and available again. Some help or need with things your peers won't have enough life experience to help with, there's alway Advicenators. I am sorry for your situation dear, but I beleive you are a strong person and will make it through this time and come out an even strong person in the end. It will take patience and lots of talking to God when lonely. I did lots of that when married to first husband who turned out to be abusive.
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