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Old Crush...
Hello,
F/22
Little bit of a long story here. Me this guy through my dad, they happened to work together. I was 17 turning 18.. He was 26. Lets call him Pete. Well Pete also liked me, he would text me all the time and make sure I was doing well in school, hanging out once in a while.. My dad is super protective and of course my dad didn't know anything but he would always mess with my dad saying he would one day be his son-in-law. Well we lost contact, he got a gf got engaged and then things didn't work out and they parted ways. Years after that I saw him again and we were just talking and we kissed and odd enough that spark was still there. Every time I was around him it was like I was legit on cloud 9... And it would be like that for days. Then he would disappear again. Well in the process of all that I started dating. Saw Pete out one day and he wouldn't stop looking at me while I was talking to a couple of our mutual friends... He asked to see me before the night ended and told me that he would like something serious with me. Well I said it was something that I would totally have to think about... Night after that he texted me begging to leave my at the time boyfriend so that we could move in and have a family that that's all he wanted, how happy I made him by just being around. I again said I would think about. A week after that he is literally in a "committed" relationship with someone much older than him I was shocked... And even now while he is in a "committed" relationship he still always want to see me after the night is over and I don't get it.. I don't get what he wants and I have asked him what he wants from me and his answer is always the same "you" and then when I say its not that easy he always goes on a rampage... Not sure of what to do... Thoughts, advice, comments please <3
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If I did my math right that makes him about 30 now. Thats enough time for him to have matured, gotten some perspective thru life experiences and have an good idea of who he is and what he wants out of life.
Sorry, but I don't see that happening with him. He reminds me of a big puppy dog, still tripping over his own paws, or feet in this instance.
It doesn't take any maturity or ability to make good decisions to fall in like or in love with a person or to be just attracted to on a sexual basis. Heck I find many guys attractive who may catch my eye but I am mature enough to know what I want in the character and personality as well of a guy and so I know that what I have now with my Husband is all that I need and will make me happy. We can't stop our bodys from reacting to someone of the opposite sex.
So my guess is that his body or heart or mind or all 3 react to a female and he jumps into relationships in and out just as easily as deciding what pair of socks you want to wear today. Theres no commitment needed or required to decide what you want to wear today, usually its just a whim, whatever makes you feel happy, is most warm for winter, or the practical color to go with an outfit. Socks need to fit your feet also but thats about it, nothing in depth about it.
So a relationship didn't work for him. I can understand that. Happens to many, me too. However, he was engaged. Who broke it off? Her? Is so, you only have his side of it either way. Would be interesting to know the reasons if she broke it off.
Theres only 4 yrs between your beginning age and now so it cant have been many many year before you saw him in kissed. So I am guessing at 2 yrs. So there was some sizzle, good...enough for gratifying sexual part of a relationship...maybe if you were to check that out further. However, solid relationships, the kind that end up in marriage require also that each other be the others best friend and all that makes a person a best friend. A best friend isn't afraid to be there for you, is always around and keeps in touch and doesnt disappear on you. You can count on them to respect you, love you just as you are, be supportive, helpful and wanting to shower you with attention and gifts of their time, attention, special acts of kindness and purchased gifts, the list goes on as to what makes a good friend. He is not acting anything like a friend at this point in your story by disappearing and not keeping in touch if he was even remotely interested in you at this point, the kind of interest to marry.
So you get into a relationship with another guy and then out of the blue he shows up? No explanation I assume for the silence and no contact on his part? Or I am guessing he tried dating others but was rejected too many times. He may be on the rebound possibly with the broken engagment and who knows what else he may have experienced since you saw him last. If no gal has been able to hold onto him or not been willing to hold onto him, that points to something seriously wrong in his makeup and character and possibly his psyche. He may not be good relationship material for any living female on the planet. This is exactly how my ex can be described. There are things seriously still missing and every gal he's dated since our divorce has left him. I was the dumb one who hung around too long before overcoming some fears to leave.
I could be off track but thats just something I felt I'd mention for you to give some thought to.
What is socially bad is that he knows you are dating someone and he is begging you to leave the guy. That is a nono many of us here tell young kids. Don't go after someone who is not currently available. If its meant to be for you to have a chance, wait until they are single again instead of dumping this emotional crap on them. He not only wants you to leave the boyfriend for just dating to get to know each other better but to jump into a marriage and live together!!! That is not the thinking of a rational man dear. trust me on this. A rational man will hang out with and date a gal to learn if beyond his sexual attraction there is anything else in common and if they can fall in love with everything about you or as I teach people, dating is the discovery period for 2 people to also learn if theres something they dont like about the other. If this man can so easily think to steal you away from another man, whats to say he wouldn't do that once you were married to him. The little things like this you see in a persons character are the warning signs of traits that exist deep down inside where there is a whole heck of a lot more of this kind of core values and morals etc. It isn't a fluke dear. I learned the hard way. I got the warning signs with my ex but I was around your age and still too inexperienced to see that his insistences that I do this or that was part of a controlling and verbally abusive behavior that would plague me the whole of my marriage. I simply thought it was his sweet exuberance and want and desire of me to be his gf and then his wife all within a couple weeks. If I were you, I would not leave the bf. Let that relationship go its natural course. If you are in love with the bf and he wants to marry and so do you, then do so. If at some point you both decide to part ways or you decide you can't imagine him being your husband and father of your children, then leave the bf. that now would leave you single again to date and if this crush is still available, only then are you ready to date him to discover more about him. I would date a questionable fellow like him 6 mos to a year before even deciding to marry him. If you decide to live with him, make sure you have a fall back plan of where you can go if it gets bad and you need to leave and have somewhere else to live. Living with a person means you discover even more about them and their character and habits that were easily hidable before. But my opinion is that his half hearted attempt at a somewhat marriage proposal to you and a week later being in a committed relationship later means there is definitely something wrong. I usually see females do this more often than men but Its possible the other way around. A person who struggles with a low self image can feel better about themselves if they are in a relationship because in their minds, it validates to them that they are at least of value to one person, someone other than a parent who is more likely to love him with all his faults. He may not have any other faults, just feels inadequate as a person, maybe as a male which is dangerous in a relationship as he can become jealous of you talking to any other man once married to him. He may see any other man as a threat and that he might lose you. this happens more often than you think and is a real concern. I am not making this up dear. I've lived long enough to see this over and over in many relationships of women I've known. The fact he feels the need to ask you to still be with him while he's dating another shows right there that he is unable to commit fully to any person. Its not that he's so in love with you that he hasnt given up on you yet, he only is feeling a lack of not having gf and not being in a relationship. For if he had really wanted just you, he would not have gone into another relationship a week later. If so in love with you that theres no one else on earth he can see himself loving, then he would be acting differeently and be willing to wait for you his whole life, even if you never become available and decide to go to him. My ex dodged my questions too. What do you want from me? I want you, that is no answer. It does not explain anything and either he knows something is wrong but is afraid to explore what that is and see a professional to get that taken care of or he doesnt have a clue that anything is wrong with him. More often than not, insecure people just want to go on oblivious of what traits or behaviors of theirs are holding them back in life or causing them serious problems in relationanships not just personal but with family and coworkers, anyone who sees him on a regular basis. The one who suffers and sees the problems first are usually the mate or person he lives with, and next often who sees a person is coworkers and boss. Is he able to hold a job without continually losing it. My ex has a long history of losing jobs, not because he didnt show up or did his job wrong but I now know it is something in his behavior that puts everyone off. He is incapable of getting along nicely with anyone and being truly friendly and caring and helpful, etc. These are all my impressions dear. If you are ever in a position to be single and date him, I would be Extremely Cautious hon, this guy could turn out to be a disaster.
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