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I'm really annoyed by my little sister
I would like to start off by saying that I love my little sister. I would do anything for her. That being said, I get really irritated around her and don't like spending time together. I am especially ashamed of my feelings because we have a large age gap; she's 4, and I'm 19 - and I feel that someone who is basically an adult should be more tolerant of a toddler, especially when that toddler is their own sister.
Although I am away at college for most of the year, when I am at home (my parent's house), I want very little to do with my sister. She cries and screams frequently (over the smallest of things) and it drives me crazy. She's very anxious/nervous and fearful of trying new things, and it bothers me the way my parents never push her out of her comfort zone. She constantly demands attention, and if my parents and I are having a conversation, she asks us to talk to her and insists on being included. If she's misbehaving and my parents try to talk to her and explain that she can't do X or Y, she just laughs and thinks it's a big joke, even if she drives my mom to the point of yelling. It makes me really angry. Even when my sister isn't doing anything wrong - she just wants to ask me a question or sit next to me - I get far too irritated.
I feel like my parents are far too passive about her bad behavior, therefore encouraging it. It really adds to my frustration. My parents say she's just a typical kid, albeit a little more anxious and sensitive than most, and she does well in school, so they're not really worried.
I feel awful saying all of this about my little sister. I really do love her. How can I be less irritated around her and improve our relationship?
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As you said, you are an adult and she is a child so even though sisters, until she becomes an adult also someday, this period of time will not feel like a sister relationship and enjoying her as a sister.
What you are feeling is the same thing you'd feel if lets say you go to visit a girlfriend who is in her early twenties and has a toddler whom she doesnt discipline, who gets to interrupt and run the show. You came to see your friend but the childs behavior dictates how much quality time you get with the other adult. Same is happening here so I see it as no wonder that you feel irritated.
Its very possible that somewhere along the line, your parents got tired of the raising and teaching and disciplining process of having children and went lax with her. As their child, you can't tell them to work better with her, but you can do so. I have found that kids who wont behave for their parents will follow the house rules at others homes or with other people in their own home if that person consistantly expects and demands it of them and teaches them the rules. You'll need to be patient but at 4 she is intelligent enough to respect the following suggestions I will make.
I can't remember where I was taught as a parent to teach the interrupt rule but this is a good one.
You tell the child that when you are speaking to anyone, adult or not in conversation, and they want to tell you something, that they have to wait but they can put their hand on your arm without saying a word and when you feel that hand, you will only finish your sentence, thought or story and then turn to her and tell her its her turn to talk. It takes some training and for all you know, your mom may decide to do the same. Its simple. But at first, the child forgets. My granddaughter was doing this at age 2 and only forgot sometimes, at which point I'd take her hand, place it on my arm and remind her this is the way to let me know she wants to talk to me and to wait now until I am done. Then even If I lost my train of thought, I'd say something to the other person and make her wait so she got the jist of how this works again.
Another thing you could try is giving a certain amount of your time to her first when you arrive, letting her know this is her special time with her sister, maybe reading a story, being her personal jungle gym on the floor, bringing some toy from the dollar store to use to play with her with. Once you are done, you let her know that now its your time to talk with Mom. Mom was patient and waited to talk to you until you were done giving time to her. Now its her turn to not interrupt and let you have time with Mom. If she keeps begging for more and more time than you have to give or are willing to give, then use a kitchen timer, set the amount of time you'll spend with her and when it goes ding, she'll know it's time for play with her to stop and you to have time with Mom. If she takes to her usual crying and screaming to get her way, which by the way indicates shes been spoiled, is bored and hasn't been taught how to occupy herself at all, therefore needing constant input from others, you can try talking to her. In the beginning, it may ruin your plans for the day or the time period but it is very effective training for her. You cant just threaten without enforcing.
You ask her to stop crying and listen to you. When she does, you tell her that you would like to stay for a while but you won't if she cries and throws a fit. You let her know you'd like to enjoy some time with her but also with Mom and will split your time between the two of them. If she cries and throws a fit, you'll only remind her once to stop and if she doesn't then you will leave and she wont get to play with you and your Mom won't get to spend time with you. Then Mom will be sad too. If it comes to the point of going thru on your threat, do it even if its just to leave for a half hour to go run errands and then come back. You make sure she heres you say that you are leaving because she wouldn't control herself and stop crying. Once in a while if a child is tired or not feeling well, its understandable they can't control being fussy but all the time, then its a learned thing. Over time, she will follow your wishes and rules but unless Mom picks up on them and enforces them the same way, you'll see your sister still disrespect Mom and interrupt her or cry for her attention. So Im saying its possible she will put her hand on your arm to get your attention without speaking as a sign she wants to tell you something, but may not do the same with your Mom. Kids are very good about learning to follow a particular persons rules. My own granddaughter followed my rules and her daddys rules during her toddler years, as my daughter was too lax with her. Now you may not enjoy or get anything out of spending some time playing with her first but thats what comes with this kind of age difference. Don't let guilt and shame hang around or it will cripple your efforts to make this work.
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