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What do I do in this situation?
Ok, so just a bit of background so you all know what happened.
I met this guy online (let's call him Bruno) and we kinda hit it off, and even though we've never met, he eventually said he's fallen for me. Having a really messed up life, I've always told him that even though I do like him a lot because he's kind, he's smart, he's funny, we have a lot in common and he even looks cute and he makes me laugh, I couldn't promise him anything about being together-together because I still have a lot of mess to take care of in my life like being a drop-out of college and going through depression and basically one hell of a failure of a daughter. I've always told him that he shouldn't wait for me because he might just get hurt in the end if things don't end up well, even though I really do enjoy him being around. Even then, he still wanted to stay and wait because he said I'm worth the risk, butt I've always told him we'll be friends no matter what happens.
A few months later, I met someone online too (let's call him Morty) and I found we have a few things in common too. And then we talked and got close and we kinda flirted (obvs talked flirtiatiously because online) for a while and then he kinda dropped me because he said his life is busy. We did that for a month and throughout that month, my friendship with the first guy kinda decreased, which I know is bad and wrong.
After that, I decided that I should just focus on fixing my life so I told Bruno that he should stop waiting for me because I want to fix my life first before any relationship. It wasn't tragic at first, until I couldn't pull myself together because of many problems in my life and be there for him while he's working on moving on and letting go of his feelings for me. I wasn't able to, at the very least, support him and be his friend, even after I said we'll be friends no matter what happens. And now, he said he was angry at me for not being there for him, and for making him wait in the backburner while I flirted with a different guy. He's forgiven me, but the trust is literally gone and it's impossible for us to be together. All we could ever be is friends, though he said he doesn't have any reason to believe me which makes it weird because how can we be friends if he said he doesn't believe me anymore? Of course, I feel bad because I've always known he loved me. And now I can't move forward with my life knowing I've hurt him so much.
And for those people who will judge me and beat me up for what I did, please save yourself the trouble. I already did, and still doing, that to myself. I just want to know what to do now. Like, I want to stay friends because he said he still cares about me (but nothing more than friends) but should I even keep the friendship and work to earn back his trust or not? What do I do?
I'm sorry it was too looooong. I couldn't explain without getting into detail. Thanks for anyone who'll help.
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After your whole story your only question is how can I stay friends with Bruno?
I might sound off track but I feel its related so here goes: Whenever two people interact on a frequent basis, that is a relationship of sorts as there are many relationships besides two in a romantic couple relationship. The word relationship comes from the word relate and that covers any way in which we relate or interact with another, whether, Mother, Father, sibling, friend, co-worker, lover. Then when it comes to friends, of opposite sex asa in your case, one or both can grow beyond the point of feeling only friendship and now having deeper feelings of love for the other. When the other doesn't feel the same way, there's a problem. I am not positive whether that is strictly your case or whether it's more of not wanting to saddle him with your issues until you've gotten past them. But either way, once one or both people have moved past feeling friendship into the territory of love for a mate, there's no going back to feeling just friendship unless he were to lose his memory and meet you freshly all over.
YOu said you decided to focus on fixing your life. Do you have any really helpful plans? How are they working for you? Are you getting the results you want? When we have issues, as ALL humans do, when we speak, we leave hints as to whats going on inside us. You mentioning that you are still beating yourself up over what you feel is a grievious mistake is one of them. It points to something I am familiar with, distorted thinking. I am not a psychologist but I know of methods that helped my anxieties go away for good and the same methods help with depression. A person has to feel good about themselves with a healthy self confidence before they are truly likely to have success at a relationship. So I do commend you for realizing that you need to work on yourself first. If whatever you are doing to get better personally doesnt work for you and you would like to know what I know about getting better, feel free to ask.
I don't know the circumstances of how you came to start having this relationship with Bruno. Perhaps you were lonely and just wanted any live person at the other end just to talk to. If the feelings for him or both of you evolved over time, then you did not go into chatting with him with the intent to mislead him, tease him into dating and then dropping him. You have stated all along that you at this current point in time are not the best relationship material. Well to an extent, all of us have something about us that needs changing as it will cause problems in a relationship. Its just that some people have less issues and others have way more.
I will also now state that sometimes LDRs, long dist. relationships work but usually in the case of the two having known each other but being separated by going to 2 different colleges, or married and one is in the service shipped out on duty. The already established relationship is helped by using LDR to continue it. However, even if you had no issues whatsoever, the truth about 2 strangers meeting and falling in love this way is that you can only know things to a certain extent. There is no way to earn or build trust with someone you aren't interacting with often in person and trust is important to a relationship. Another thing is chemistry. We can be attracted to a photo or what we see on Skype but we can't sense/pick up on chemistry...the pheremone kind which if too totally different from each other, neither of you would feel amourous or aroused by each other in person or it is very weak at best. That is a sex life killer and that knocks out half of the foundation to a healthy relationship as the other is being each others best friend. Sometimes best friends lean on each other when one is hurting and the other supports and encourages the other to grow and become healthier. He has good intentions in wanting to be there for you that way but it only works well if there is a real live relationship other than cyber going on.
Another thing as you've found with an LDR, is that is too easy to be distracted by a new friend or love interest, especially so if the new person is someone you can see, hold hands with, cuddle with, go on dates with, all of which you can't do with cyber friends.
If you both met over a dating site, the most important thing to know is that it might work if you use the pc and dating site merely as a search tool to come to know of the existance of the other. Then you read about them, chat for a week and if you are still intrigued and want to know more to see if a relationship has a chance of working, like the pheremone thing, then you meet in person as soon as possible. So those who live in other countries have virtually zero chance of getting together, those in other states have a small chance of meeting, and those living in the same state or a city close by, easy traveling distance by car, has the greatest chance of the two meeting, I dont know which applies to you but it is significant as well.
I hope this answers your questions about how hard it is to remain friends at this point with someone who has felt love...its not very possible and there's nothing you can say to change that. As for how to regain his trust if that is your wish, that also is extremely hard via online only. The only thing that gives you a real chance of knowing if this is someone you want to pursue long term is if one of you takes a vacation to come visit the other in person. That is the only suggestion I have. Trust is hard to rebuild even for 2 with an in-person relationship, but an LDR makes it next to impossible. You may think that if you promise to keep talking with him just as a friend, not a romance that he will be okay with it and it will work out. You have no control over what he feels. Because for him, as long as you are willing to keep talking to him, he see's that as an encouragement that he has time to talk you into or convince you somehow to fall in love. Until and relating to him is cut off, he will see it as opportunity to get you over time and so of course he wants the opportunity to help you with any issues so that this time comes sooner.
As I said, computers used as a tool to find ones partner is a good idea but it must be taken out of the computer into real life asap if its to have a healthy chance. I found my 2nd husband that way. Before I met him, I found quite a few guys who only wanted on line relationships, never to meet in person even tho I put in criteria only to meet those within short driving distance of an hour or so. I also found from others who finally did meet others and for myself, one or two I met in person that too often, its the people with fears, great anxieties, emotional problems, issues from their past, etc... who either are trying to hide from them and not want to change or those who simply haven't found the cure to be healed of their baggage yet, these seem to make up half of those who are going for on line relationships because if they were to attempt to date in person or live together, each others issues become too glaringly obvious and they can't deal with their partners baggage if they can't their own. He might be your average normal healthy person but its 50/50 chance he might have his own set of issues if he is using a computer to have a long term (only cyber) relationship with a gal. Theres a saying that you don't really know a person until you live with them. Think about all the dirty stuff you knew about siblings, parents, other relatives that none of their friends knew. Unless living with the person, how is one to know which guy leaves the toilet set up, who tends to forget to flush and who leaves their dirty clothes lying on the floor for days. Theres no way to know and that is the sort of stuff a person doesnt want to reveal about themselves or feel is important for a potential mate to know.
So all in all, my parting words are to find what really works for you and will rid you of depression, fix your low self image and gain self confidence. I don't necessarily see dropping out of school/college as being a failure. Depends on the situation, as it takes a student several times for even the non depressed to figure out what degree to go after. I personally know a lot of people like that, many false starts, only to drop out of one program and switch or drop out all together and their lives are rewarding and successful in their own right. As for having a daughter whom you describe as really messed up, I have no way to measure to what degree that it. Everyone has at least one family member who has all sorts of issues, either born with and need professional help or really bad choices they make that snowball into worse. I have two such family members. When a couple gets together for good, long term, then they inherit the family on both sides and need to be able to live with it. Your daughter shouldn't reflect on you any more than mine do of me. I was the natural nurturing doting mother and still had one turn out to be a real mess who cut herself off from the whole family and extended family. She was raised right. I dont let it reflect on me. But that is hard to do when one is depressed though. You cannot change this one thing that you mention as part of your issues because she's an individual with free will to make her own choices, and sadly we can not change any person for the better. The want to change must come from inside a person and might come from viewing the examples of people in their life who have it all together. All you can do is determine to be a good example, making a big turn around in your own life and pray for her, and maybe that will be incentive for her to change. I wish you the best dear.
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