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my mom is completely against my bf and wants me to stop talking to him
I am 17/f about to be 18 next month. I have been talking to this 21 year old guy since December. It was such a random thing, he messaged me on fb very politely, we had a really nice conversation and havent really stopped talking since. Hes always been very kind and sweet to me, always consistent. He asked me out in January but I didnt start liking him until around March/April. In the meantime he always treated me very very well. We got into to a relationship around April and weve been getting stronger and better and my feelings have grown a lot for him. And the way things went with meeting him and all that has been truly amazing. He can sense how im feeling, synchronicities always happen between us. I do not believe in coincidences and I feel like all this was no accident. However, ive been hiding this from my mom until just recently in July. I told her mostly everything about him. She got to see a video of what he looks and acts like..and she thinks hes an imbecile. Thats hes embarassing and all this other ridiculous crap. She wants me to stop talking to him completely, to just shut him out. End it. That ill move on and meet someone better. Someone who's good enough for me and is my own age. She threatened that if I dont stop that she's tempted to take matters into her own hands and Im scared of what she'll do. She said there is no way this is going to happen. And she said to stop hiding things from her and that im two faced and a betrayer for doing so. Im honestly so confused and terrified. Is this a trial? An obstacle we have to overcome? Because nothing worth having is easy to come by? Or is this a sign that I really should end it and stop this. But how can I do that? We have the most ridiculous, incredible connection. And honestly im terrified to end things because im afraid of what he might do. It would break his heart and when hes upset and gets very negative, its hard for him to shake. He cant work, eat, hed want to hurt himself. And no one in his life rn could really comfort him besides me. Im just very torn. What do I do? I cant even text him now cause his number showed up on our phone bill and now my mom has his number. And also, i know this is awful, but the past few days when all this shit with my mom has been happening, I have been missing this kid I used to like. He was my best friend and since ive had a bf, he hasnt really wanted me to talk to other guys. So I havent been able to talk to my friend and I miss him. I always wondered why things didnt work out with him.. I know its because he wasnt/isnt ready enough to handle a mature relationship. He has too much shit on his plate. But I dont know.. does this all mean I should listen to my mom and start talking to my friend again? Not in a romantic way but just in a friend way for right now. Or should I disobey and fight for the guy who has been there for me, loved me and has such a deep connection with and because im almost 18? I dont know. Please help. Thank you!
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You want to know if these difficulties with Mom are a sign of something or not. Oh yes...they are a sign that she's got some personal issues. She sounds quite like a controlling personality and I should know with a ex and a past friend like that.
Now he has admitted to using controlling behavior because to him it was normal cus Dad did it. Somewhere along the line, someone must have told him it was inappropriate behavior if he is mentioning it. However, finding a girlfriend who was needy and dependant on him is something controllers do. Sometimes they make a mistake cus the female seems to be shy, more quiet and they mistake that for being a very dependant female. My ex musta thought that of me cus I was not the cowering weak type but stood up for my rights and he didnt like it if I fought back. It may be that he even doesnt realize this, but subconsciously, some part of him picked up on you being someone he would do well with in relationship, like a computer having a virus that affects everything on it. This controlling behavior is the virus and it will find any weakness you may have and having the mom you have, or even how you talk normally with people may subconsciously clue a person in at that level that you are someone perfect for them. You are already used to a mom like that so it would be easier for you to deal with a guy like this. Its harder once you fall for a person like that to see things straight. Maybe this will help explain why i mention the subconscious mind. In all of us our subconscious seems to take a role of wanting to pleasse us and help us get that which we need and want and desire. Its like trusting this to the naivity of a two year old to help here, and so, our subconscious will interpret that which we are used to from our past, that which we focus on most, to have great importance and will make us happy. What people focus on more often than not is their troubles, their fears, their bad memories and unhappiness and the sub assumes that it takes up most of your thought life because it is a good thing for you and will do anything to help you make choices and decisions that bring that exact thing you logically wouldn't want, right into your life. thats whats operating when a woman says, what am I doing wrong. I've dated 5 guys now and all I can seem to find is the losers who end up abusive. Why do I keep attracting them? Its a matter of their awake mind and sub mind at war with each other and fighting for opposite goals. I have learned to listen to my subconscious but also to not let it control my choices. I take time to explain to it, actually to myself why i really do not want to go into another abusive relationship and why I have made a list of what I truly am looking for in a guy. It helped. After the divorce, first guy ended up worse than my ex. I had to learn to tell myself what I really wanted, I couldn't just wing it with whatever life threw my way. I made a list of what I needed and wanted and found just that in 2nd husband.
Just saying all that to help you understand how this works. Your boyfriend even if he doesnt have mental illness that causes him to behave controlling, learned it from example, and even so, still needs counseling to deal with it and become a better possible mate for a girl. You don't solve his issues by finding a strong enough girl. Even if you are strong and believe you can stand up to him, I know the stress it takes on your body either emotionally or physically to do it. I was strong but the constant stress of having to push back and stand my ground with no down time to relax, eventually took its toll on me physically, ulcers, skin rashes, headaches and migraines. So Mom might be right that he isn't a good choice. However, sometimes, the best way we all learn is by experiencing a situation for ourselves rather than being warned about it.
In the end, its time at age 18 for you to begin making the best possible choices you know how to make, even tho they may pale in comparison to older adults who know better from much life experience. For mom to threaten you is wrong and childish as a way to get what she wants. But deep down, it is an twisted way of showing she cares about you and loves you and wants to spare you makng the mistakes she did or from experiencing the hurts she did. But successes or mistakes, are all yours to make. the only way Mom can have control and decision making power in your life is if you give it up and give it to her. the way you give it to her is by caving in and letting her win a couple times. She gains confidence in use of her tactics cus it gave her the results she wanted and so you've just trained mom to know you fear making her angry enough to pull away from you or throw a tantrum so you will always cave in if she presses enough or makes threats.
So you have two issues, one with learning to stand up to Mom and another regardless of what Mom or I think, whether this guy really is the best choice for you in a boyfriend or whether you are settling for less. getting your feeligs and emotions attached to a person isnt good for helping to see things as they really are. thats what's called seeing things thru rose colored glasses cus those in love feel everything is just perfect and rosy.
So all you can do is reassure Mom that you love her and let her know once you are officially 18 that you need to be the one in control of your life and all decisions now.
I realize there may be financial reasons to continue to live with Mom but legally, Mom is not obligated to give you a place to live and eat and help out with your bills once you turn 18 and are now officially considered an adult. So if you do attempt to make our own decisions that go contrary to hers whether shes right or not, she has that leverage, of being able to kick you out of the house to get you to bend to her will.
The only way you are going to gain the freedom to make your own decisions is when you no longer live at home and have mom holding threats like that over you. I would suggest making plans to perhaps find work first and get in on an apt by sharing with roomates to afford the cost. Just moving in with a ooyfriend puts you in a vulnerable place if he ends up being someone you know you need to break up with cus now you dont have a place to live. Move in with a sweetheart after a long time dating in person where you are fairly sure of his character and any possible red flags of things that are harmful to relationships that he does all the time. Some things can be easily hidden until living with a person and even so it may not be until then that you can be fully sure a guy is Mr. right for you or Mr. Wrong. But that is something for you as an adult to determine for yourself. You date and marry the person you believe is right for you. As you grow as an individual, you'll change and may discover the choices you made in relationships were the best you knew at the time but since you've changed, your partner no longer will do because you both have truly grown apart and its time to move on. Its all for you to learn. Some things cant be learned from reading about them in books or reading others advice. You still need to make decisions for your own life and some will not be as good as others, but as long as your learn from your not so good choices, then all is fine...thats part of being an adult. I wish you the best. So whether you choose to stay with bf or not, it should be based on whether he truly is the best guy for you at this point in your life according to what YOU BELIEVE, not what your mom believes or dictates. I have met all sorts of boyfriends as my daughter (now in 20's) cycle through them. Some I liked better than others, some I found to seem foolish and childish and far from being an adult, and others, I have seen some serious issues with them that could be detrimental to having a long relationship, its still going on and all I can do is support them in their choices but let them always know if they want to share any concerns or problems or ASK for my opinion or advice on anything from special ways to set a romantic setting to how to have a discussion where you don't accuse each other but solve your issues, I will be there for them. Kids rarely ask for my advice and they have gone through lots of hurts and some are currently in bad situations that cause me some concerns but I must hope that they will in time learn and grow as an individual by going through even any bad situations they make. Not all parents can see this. But this is what you deserve.
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As of next month no one can tell you what to do legally speaking and mom can't punish you for anything legally. What I will say is that you are blinded by love and that based on what you have written you mother and I may be seeing something altogether different.
The 3 year age difference is no big deal, not at your present age. The problem that I see is this guy is trying to control you, that he is a controller. People who are controllers can be very harmful to others more than to themselves. This is a personality flaw that cannot be fixed with a pill. It is something that will take months if not years of therapy to over come and he will need to work at it daily.
The clues you gave are,"honestly im terrified to end things because im afraid of what he might do. It would break his heart and when hes upset and gets very negative, its hard for him to shake. He cant work, eat, hed want to hurt himself." & "ive had a bf, he hasnt really wanted me to talk to other guys. So I haven't been able to talk to my friend and I miss him." These are key tell tale signs of a controller ,especially his not wanting you to speak with other guys. Next he will tell you what you can be doing and not doing.
Your mom may have seen this, I'm seeing it and pointing it out to you. He will not harm himself if you break up with him. He will find another young girl to control. For you this is a toxic relationship one which can only get worse.
My advice is to listen to you mother, not because she is your mother, because she is seeing what you are blinded to.
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