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Is my relationship over,or do I have to wait?
Hello,I've been in a long distance relationship for quite some time now,as of a week ago,I didnt hear from my guy,due to some personal problems and his dad being in the hospital. Below,I have written the text message he sent me:
''Dear___ ,So it's been long enough and I think you deserve an explanation for my absence.I've been drifting apart. mostly because I dont know what I'm doing right now.I need to get my life back on point and I just cant rely on you right now.And when I say rely on you,I mean for you to be okay with whatever life we would live together.There's a dream and then there is reality and right now its looking difficult for me becauseI cant seem to find a stable job.But Ive made a commitment from today and from nowIm going to change my a lot of my ways.And I cant keep this long distance relationship thing with us going anymore.No more photos,no more videos or anything like that.I really need to focus on my life right now instead of our life.I definately think we can work in the future but right now I need to focus on myself sincerely from the depths of my heart.I feel like part of the stress that put my dad in the hospital is my fault.I'll talk to you soon.''
So,essentially,I have different scenarios.
Either Im being let down easy,and this is my chance to exit.
Or,he wants me to wait for him to get his life together
Or he is calling it off but gave me a little hope while he runs away
Or he really means what he says.
Im very confused,first he cuts ties,and then says,yeah,we have a future.... Its confusing....
Its hard,its very very very hard,and I just want to know what to do.I love him dearly,I love his family so much.
He is struggling with jobs,and he wants a stable one,so he can get a place for us to move in together....
Thank you in advance for your advice
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Part of growing together as a couple, especially those commitments like marriage or any life long relationship without a license, is to trust each other and openly share your troubles. The unique thing about a healthy relationship is that when one is weak, the other is strong. I find that in my marriage. One of us is feeling irritated or overwhelmed and stressed by life situations where the same stuff isn't getting to the other one and we are able to help calm the other, or at the very least give our mate the one thing that is right in our lives and not going away, the fact we are committed and love each other and will stick there through thick and thin.
LDR's have several things that automatically make them trouble situations, that dont work well and one is that its impossible to really build trust with someone you've never met in person first and spent a good amount of time getting to know and trust before the need for an LDR like the gal whose guy goes into the military.
So you might try explaining this angle to him and see if he feels you are his anchor, his sheltering cove during a storm, because if he can't see you as that, cus right now, he's not allowing you to be, then you are not the right one for him.
Its during the hard times that we can learn the true fiber and strength of a person character and who they are deep at their core. If things got better and he got together with you...with the way he's acting right now, the next hardship that comes along, he'd be pushing you away again, even if you were married and had kids. This is who he is. People do not change much in a lifetime for the better, its always little tiny stuff that won't help a relationship stay glued together.There is no perfect time financially to start a relationship or have children for that matter. My ex resisted having kids for 6 yrs before a pastor spoke to him in a sermon that had him willing to start a family, even tho after 6 yrs. we were still in no better a position to have kids. If a person is looking for excuses, they can easily find them or make them up in their mind as your boyfriend seems to be doing.
Using my ex for example, excuses were: we don't own a home yet, we only have one car, we dont earn enough to pay for their food, clothes, diapers. And yes, that was true but somehow we always made it through. An older neighbor upstairs gave us the crib her kids had used, we received lots of 2nd hand clothes from friends, used church food bank, he got laid off often during the downsizing epidemic, worked temp and I had to take on jobs I could do from home, phone calling for donation pick up before companies went automated for one.... and somehow we always ended up solving each financial crisis as it reared its head, in between the times when we were making ends meet. But its been a never ending battle. I am remarried and the husband and I have had our good financial times and right now are in a hard one, homeless, but the bright spot is that we have each other by our sides, the one anchor we know we can rely on, the bright spot that helps us to continue to want to face each day and struggle on as we face all of lifes' storms. If he isn't that kind of person who is looking for his true love who will also be his anchor in life, and there's no way to know if he will ever reach that spot of being that kind of guy and ready for a mate in his life, then any time you give him hoping for that with him, is a waste. Now if he were nothing more than a pen pal, a friend, while you were dating a man with promise in your real face to face life, then theres nothing wrong with working at keeping in touch with him. He has said more to the effect that he wants to cut it off. He isn't being specific with details, just generalizations so he's leaving it vague enough to be able to tell you that you must have misunderstood him that its over and he's breaking up, but he is too chicken to even make a firm real stand and just stay with you or break up. You don't want a wishy washy guy who runs at any hint of troubles and is someone you can't rely on or trust. Best to tell him that he is not ready for a relationship with any female if he isn't ready for unconditional love relationship. He is still looking at the conditions...I can only be with you if...... and that is someone who isn't ready and you don't need to wait your entire life hoping he will somehow magically become ready just because he's older. Older doesnt always means wiser and more life experienced. Some never learn or change.
Its your life. If you want a real guy and a real commitment, then dump him and if you don't mind wishy washy with an on again off again relationship, then stay with him.
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