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Did we break up or does he want me to wait for him?
Hello,I've been in a long distance relationship for quite some time now,as of a week ago,I didnt hear from my guy,due to some personal problems and his dad being in the hospital. Below,I have written the text message he sent me:
''Dear___ ,So it's been long enough and I think you deserve an explanation for my absence.I've been drifting apart. mostly because I dont know what I'm doing right now.I need to get my life back on point and I just cant rely on you right now.And when I say rely on you,I mean for you to be okay with whatever life we would live together.There's a dream and then there is reality and right now its looking difficult for me becauseI cant seem to find a stable job.But Ive made a commitment from today and from nowIm going to change my a lot of my ways.And I cant keep this long distance relationship thing with us going anymore.No more photos,no more videos or anything like that.I really need to focus on my life right now instead of our life.I definately think we can work in the future but right now I need to focus on myself sincerely from the depths of my heart.I feel like part of the stress that put my dad in the hospital is my fault.I'll talk to you soon.''
So,essentially,I have different scenarios.
Either Im being let down easy,and this is my chance to exit.
Or,he wants me to wait for him to get his life together
Or he is calling it off but gave me a little hope while he runs away
Or he really means what he says.
Im very confused,first he cuts ties,and then says,yeah,we have a future.... Its confusing....
Its hard,its very very very hard,and I just want to know what to do.I love him dearly,I love his family so much.
He is struggling with jobs,and he wants a stable one,so he can get a place for us to move in together....
Thank you in advance for your advice
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Reading through his text there's an awful lot of 'I'. I am..I think...I don't think...I will...I need ...I can't etc etc. But only one 'we' which seems a bit of an after-thought at the end. He's facing some difficult issues. Family illness and finding a good secure job with prospects put us under a lot of pressure. There's a guilt issue here too. Feels like his father's illness is his fault? I'm afraid to my eye you don't seem to feature much at all here. It's all about him. Since he doesn't even hint at anything you might be the cause of, there probably isn't anything YOU can do to put it right then? You, I imagine (having a great fondness for him and his family) would like to be there to help him through his current and help him get his life sorted out? To nurture, support and encourage him? I can't see that based on this text you'd be wise to hold out a hope that he will re-appear as a 'finished product', all sorted and secure and ready to resume the relationship. That might take a long time. It might never happen at all? Saying 'I am committed' does not equal true committment. It's so hard to say without having some sort of 'measure' of the man. Does he feel 'not enough for you'? Is he the sort to doubt himself? Or is he the sort to issue excuses to exonerate his own lack of real effort? It might be an idea to take this at face value. Message him saying that if that is how he feels then it must be his choice. That he knows how YOU feel. That you would like to be beside him and be there for him. You want to try and work through the difficulties together. As a team. As partners. But if he feels the need to be alone, so be it. This effectively puts the entire weight of the decision squarely on his shoulders alone, and in no uncertain terms. It liberates you. Handing over the decision is not a surrender. It's actually a very powerful thing to do. It forces him to be entirely accountable for his decision. He made it and he'll have to live with it. If this is all a bluff and cry for help, you've called his bluff and he'll have to take another approach. And quick. You're implying that YOU have accepted the break, and presumably feel free to look for an alternative guy? If he seems prefectly content with his own decision and does not change tack, then indeed forget him and look for that alternative guy. This technique shifts the power, the whip-hand if you like, over to YOU. It's far easier to move-on from a situation if you can rest easy in the knowledge that "I did all I could." The weight of culpability and responsibilty ("Am I doing the right thing? Is this the right choice?") falls entirely on him. OK, it's a mind-game. It's scheming and manipulative. But it will always force a definite result one way or the other. Used well and in the right situations it's an extremely powerful way of either getting what you want, or the liberation you need. One to remember. Hope my reply might be some help? I get the feeling he isn't as sure about what he really wants as he is trying to sound. When someone has made their mind up for sure there's not a lot we can do to deflect them from their course. When there is fair element of self doubt apparent in them, a seed of self-doubt, then we can do an awful lot to influence them. If you hate the whole 'mind-game' thing, you'll no doubt hate my reply!
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