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I don't know how to save my friendship / relationship
I'm 14/f and I dated one of my good friends.
He was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend so we didn't know what do most of the time. We dated for a month and we didn't do anything serious; we kissed 2 times but it was just a peck, we held hands for a total of three times and he was a good friend of mine but then our relationship was strained once we broke up. I miss those late night conversations we had. We'd always talk about random stuff, ask each other rethorical questions, talk about the world, or just vent out and have a good time. He always made me laugh when I was sad and I him. I usually sat next to him in elective classes and we'd tease each other and tell each other to be quiet at random moments when the other wasn't even talking. It was a shock to me once I figured out that he liked me and I thought long and hard about what to do before he asked me out. In the end, I obviously agreed. Now him and I rarely talk and if when we do it's awkward a lot of times. We still have those intimate moments where we just cuddle with each other and people always think we're dating when we both decided to just be friends. I just miss him and the way we used to be towards each other. He doesn't even trust me anymore and it saddens me. I want our relationship to just be natural but we either make it awkward or neither of us know what to say or do so we just stare blankly at each other. How do I save our friendship/relationship without seeming too desperate or needy. I just want him in my life because he always seems to make me happy, he's like dopamine for me. I want to be there for him but he doesn't open up. Like I want to be friends but still have those mushy gushy moments where I just want to cuddle with him and still kiss him on the cheek without him thinking I want him back. I don't know what to do anymore because I feel like I've done everything I could but I don't want to give up because I know he still cares about me and I care about him. I don't want to let him go because i somewhat need him. What do you think I should do cuz I'm out of options and scared that one day he'll tell me to back off and I don't want that. We rarely even talk so I'm definetly not suffocating him whatsoever.
Sorry for this being so long... :/
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Few teens your age would use the word dopamine no less understand what it means...so I understand there is a certain level of intelligence in you. So I can understand why you'd not want to lose him. However I am not clear on why you broke up to begin with. Keep in mind that its actually common at this age to have very short term relationships.
If he gave you no reason, perhaps he didn't know how to put it into words.
Let me take a moment to shift here and mention what it takes for a solid healthy relationship with a sweetheart: 1. being best of friends (somethin it sounds you already have with him.
and 2. to have romance between you. Its not something you can force to happen, its more due to the pheremones a person is born with and they all vary some. Its something invisible our bodies emit that will attract another person romantically and sexually.
Based on that info, being great friends first was a good thing. I guess he was thinking it would automatically be easy to be romantic as well, but when he tried moving on to that part with you and tried the bf/gf kind of stuff, he didn't feel the passionate feelings of excitement that come along with it? Which is an indication of either nervousness of youth, and inexperience clouding the real thing, or it indicates there is no chemistry. With lack of chemistry, you just can't hope for the kind of relationship you want. Wanting to remain friends is an understandable reason but what it sounded like you saying is that you want more time together as friends, not only for your need but because deep down you feelings or romance towards him havent changed and you hope with more time he may become comfortable with that. Well, as I explained, it all depends on the reason he pulled away. Either way, the two of you need to talk. So if he won't meet for a talk, write him a letter over the net on whatever site you are both on where a letter could be private.
What do you say or write? Whatever you say, don't mention how much you need those certain qualities in him in a plea to get him back. Yes, it sounds selfish, thinking of yourself and not what he's gonna get out of the relationship, and yes, sounds desperate too. However a good place to start would be to ask him what he was looking to get out of a relationship with you as a friend and the same question regarding girlfriend. What he wanted may not match what you were expecting. When we are young, we don't tend to want to make a long term commitment to the very first nice person we get close to. Why? Because deep down our subconscious knows it lacks experience in dating from multiple experiences and you will second guess whether this is someone you can be happy with the rest of your life and him the same too. If you find him still staring longing at you but choosing not to talk, you are probably right that he still has certain feelings for you, whether friendship only or more than that and just scared or unsure of himself.
He needs to know all your thoughts on this and he needs to know that you won't push him for more than he feels comfortable giving. give a list of compliments of what it is you like about him and how he meets those needs in you whereas others dont. You might ask what it is about you that he likes. I will caution you not to ask for too much at this stage. to tell him you want those mushy gushy moments with him will likely confirm for him to keep running away is best, especially if he feels no chemistry.
I want you to know that IF there is a chance of just friendship but no romance EVER, then are you okay with no mushy gushy stuff? For boys at this age, that stuff is reserved for girlfriends only, the romance girlfriends. So it may be a bit much to ask, even if you've both done it before, first love can be like that. However, as he gets older, and finds a girl he really likes romantically (if this is the situation) and she feels the same about him, she will not stand for, no less understand her boyfriend doing mushy gushy things with a girl he claims is only a best friend. When two friends who are opposite sex finally do meet their romance partner later, those partners may not be understanding of and actually jealous of any past dating relationships let alone such close friendships.
Just want you to keep those things in mind as you attempt to get him to open up. Sometimes guys think they are sparing your feelings by NOT sharing whats going on in their head. Heck I've had older mature men to the same to me. You need to let him know if this is his thought, that the opposite is actually happening, that it hurts you worse not knowing whats going on, cus females aren't like guys, they need to know. And let him know he can tell you anything without you crying or throwing a hissy-fit. You might be sad if what he shares hits you that way, but you wont try to influence by theatrics so he's safe to open up and share with you. thats a big concern for guys so they truly dont know how to share their feelings for these fears and also lack of experience in dealing with such matters. If your reassurances don't help him open up, there isn't anything else you can do.
You will have to move on, and take all those things that you like and treasure about him and look for them in the next guy. Never settle for less but hopefully someone even a step up from him. eVEN as an adult after a divorce, I couldn't see anyone being any better, until I actually met him and was blown away. We all are not likely to believe we can ever find someone else let alone them being as great or even better. So I fully expect you will feel the same and thats normal. But some talk is definitely needed so try what you can to say those things or write them to him. Write a written note, walk up to him at school and simply say, please read this for the sake of what we had as a friendship. Smile, and leave him be. good luck.
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