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Confused over love
Hi my name is Sarah and I am 17 years old. I am writing this letter to get advice about something involving me and my boyfriend Greg who have been dating for a year and 7 months I believe. The love that I have for Greg has faded away and I don't feel the same way as I did before about us dating. Iv attempted to break up with him before but I would usually end up crying, for unknown reasons, then trying to convince myself what I know is true, which is that I know it's best for me and for him. He also always finds a way to pull me back into the relationship. Recently I have been starting to have feeling for someone else so this relationship needs to come to an end but I'm afraid that the next time I try I will just start crying again for no reason and him ending up pulling me back in. I wanna be free and live my life which I can't really do while I'm dating him. I wanna be able to go and hang out with friends without him being sad about it. I just can't do this anymore but I have a fear I won't be able to get out of this relationship.
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Hello Sarah
You have several issues going on here and you have stated what you want to have happen. When it comes to how someone else responds and their feelings, I'll only say that that isnt a guarantee that you can remain close friends with him if you successfully break it off. He will simply become an aquaintance you don't associate with anymore. Lets put it this way. If a guy you really did love currently said he was breaking up with you, could you stand being around him, hanging out as close friends and not have romantic feelings, just friend feelings? Wouldn't it hurt to be reminded that you don't really 'have' him and he left you? If this guy is a normal person without personal issues and problems, that is how he will react.
If there are any issues on his part which you did not specifically say there was, he might react in clingy ways, not wanting to let go, hoping to hang around alot in order to change your mind...which is why you may be saying you've had failed attempts before. Another thing that has me concerned is you saying you want to be able to go hang out with your friends. Was He outrightly verbally forbidding you or trying to keep you so busy with him that you had no time for them??
A dating relationship, or marriage for that matter doesn't mean you give up any little bit of who you are, the partner doesnt get to own you and direct your life (in case this has been happening) and tho they are the closest dearest relationship you might have, a partner shouldn't make their sweetheart their whole life to the point they don't have one of their own. Even in relationships, it is normal to remain and retain your own self and not change to please a partner
That all said, I can only guess, something you may not have seen, but could be possible is that he is a very insecure male, low self image, and so is clingy. Many can unfortunately end of very controlling to the point of verbal and physical abuse if not now, in the future. I know. I experienced that.
Now to address possibilities as to why you may cry and get upset when trying to break up. You may by nature be a very loving caring person, nurturing, wanting to help other people rather than hurt them. Also, if he is your first serious love, it has indeed left an impression on your heart. And we know our feelings seem to come from our heart, but they are actually ruled over and controlled by our subconscious mind. Your subconscious is unlikely to give up easily the original feelings it had for him, the memories make it hard to give up, but your more logical conscious mind sees some very practical reasons for moving on. So my guess is that the battle and failure is more to do with what is going on inside you rather than any thing the boyfriend is saying. If you could get your conscious and subconscious mind to stop battling each other and agree to work together, you'd have no problem breaking up, no matter what he says or does.
You need to treat your subconscious as a separate person with-in you with its very own unique personality. On one hand it handles some great responsibilities like making sure we blink our eyes and keep breathing without our conscious mind having to do so, it runs our dream times, and on the other hand, it can be like a little child, wanting to please us and taking actions it thinks will help you but actually hurt you worse, but only out of naivity, of wanting to please you and make the things you think most about to come true. thinking that the more time spent thinking about something means that you want it, desire it...it doesnt differentiate whether it is something good or bad your thoughts are focused on, just the constant focus on. So it will be slow to let go of the idea you no longer want to date him. All I can say, is that I explain this by talking aloud or inside my head to myself, or actually my sub. mind and repeatedly explaining why I can no longer stay with the person. Explain that your thoughts about him are not because you want to keep having feelings for him but you want to break up with him and that your sub is not helping. Ask for your subcon. mind to help you as this is always its greatest desire. But its like talking to a child...and you may have to remind it several times a day, in fact a good time is every time it sends you a thought about him and turn it around to say, I still want to break up with him. Its for the best good for both of us. Plesae help me to do this. And say that several times a day. YOur own words of course.
I believe that too many people begin a bf/gf relationship for the wrong reasons or under the wrong assumptions. Let me explain, as this may help if you feel any guilt here.
People first go thru an attraction stage, mostly based on looks, what little they can see of how a person carries themself. this is what most people today call "Liking a person" when actually, there is not enough knowledge about them to really "like' them as a person inside yet. So the best way to find out is hanging out with the person if they respond to an approach from each other, meaning they both feel an attraction. this doesnt guarantee there is more to it with them. Just the opening door here. Hanging out or dating as an investigative means to discover more about them, if you have things in common and feel romance with each other is important. Most people assume you have to 'make a commitment' to become bf/gf with each other to do so. This is where we run into trouble and the reason there are so many hopes dashed and broken heart, someone hoped for too much too soon. It should be once a person has dated to investigate, and this stage can be one at a time or several at a time, as it is just the investigative stage, but a person should make it clear that they are only dating and seeing several people until they make their final decision who they will commit to moving on to the next stage with.
Males do this often, are familiar with the process, calling it 'wanting to keep their options open only many will abuse it, an excuse to sample many women and not make a commitment, turning months of dating into years. This is actually a fairly short stage. A person should know in a month or two of seeing each other often if they want to move on to making a commitment. I have chosen you to be my bf/gf and will date no other from this point on. the dating couple stage can involve living together for those old enough to do so. The two continue to get to know each other even closer, build trust, etc. and the end result would be, I want to be with you the rest of my life, with or without a marriage contract, or one or both of you discover something even at this stage that is a dealt breaker, non negotiable, that you can't live with, or you'd be settling for far less, and so even at this stage, a couple can break up. Its all about gaining experience and knowledge with the ultimate goal, finding our life long partner one day.
So you should feel no guilt over wanting to leave because your feelings for him died over time, yes even 1 1/2 years. It is part of the normal process that will eventually years down the road lead to a life partner. Allowing yourself to remain stuck with him, you will not gain other perspectives and learn more. What you felt in the begining could have been the excitement of something or someone new to you. Same as the heightened excitement over a gift you wanted as a kid and finally got. Played with every day but after some time, it lost its appeal to hold your attention, while other toys continued to hold your attention thru the years, all because some supported a gift of yours within in. Such as my example, getting an etch a sketch or spirograph as gifts as a kid. I never lost interest in those as I had an artistic bent and talents and those just supported and helped enhance that and therefore held my attention. Same with relationships. You are entitled to discover the difference of whether it was more a fad than reall feelings. good luck
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