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I'm losing myself to insanity
I don't know what to do! Me and my mom have a bad relationship, she always compares me to my dad and gets angry at me for little things. Some of my friends like to hurt me and just make me feel like I'm a piece of crap. I'm not doing well in school, I just can't make myself concentrate. I always lose myself in my mind, thinking about who I wish to be. I'm not the healthiest person in my house, I need braces, I have eye problems, I have diabetes, and I get frequent migraines. I get really angry and just feel like I want to punch myself, and sometimes I do. I think really dark thoughts and sometimes enjoy it. I can't talk to my family about it, because they always think I'm exaggerating. I feel like I have only a little sanity left. Please help, I can't take it anymore!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
If you're still living at home or underage, you are in a bad spot. It seems both your parents have anger issues and just use you as their vent or release valve for all the nasty pressure that builds up in them til they have to explode.
I know from a similar experience, that this kind of stress causes major stress the stress that affects a persons mental health and self worth, or it attacks a persons health, or both.
Of course you aren't doing well in school, we lose concentrating ability when we have major stress in our lives. YOu have to remember its not you, its them, they all are the ones with issues. I was in a bad marriage, verbally abused 24/7. No escape for me in that having 3 kids too and not able to find a way out. Over the years the stress built. I experienced migraines, lived with constant headaches, got stomach ulcers, total body rashes that came and went and itched like Hell, among other afflictions, all that came about due to the stress on my body.
Not sure how you can get help but my first thought is to find some loving, positive people to come into your life and there's a greater possibility of that by calling the closest church to where you live and talking to the pastor and seeing if they have a program where they send out a van to pick up those to bring to church who can't get there on their own. Many do this. You need to be able to talk to someone who can be in your life, not just an advice giver who is far away, on the net. I would talk to a school counselor, anything that is related to affecting your concentration and ability to do well in school comes into the realm of what they handle.
You need to be honest, tell them everything, give good examples of what your parents say. Do not get overly emotional and angry, just remain calm in speak in as adult a manner as you can so they don't get the impression you as the typical teen who has issues with their parents. Verbal abuse is abuse, same as physical abuse and harder to get help for because the marks on your soul, heart and mind are not visible like the physical bruise. So you don't ask for help once and give up, ask the same people again and again. the squeaky wheel is the one that gets the attention and help. I am sorry that you have the home life you do. Your punching and dark thoughts have come about due to your stress. Once the situation changes, you won't need these anymore.
I would also wager that due to your unhappiness, you haven't watched what you eat and developed diabetes, (it could be hereditary tho) and people do one of two things when unhappy, they stop eating, or they over eat. If your parents control the type of food that is served at home and wont buy healthier stuff for you, then at least eat smaller amounts. You must see a Dr. for your diabetes. I would also have a heart to heart talk with your Dr. letting him know what is hurting your emotionally, the abuse and ask him to point you in the right direction for help. Seeing a counselor doesnt mean you have mental illness, it can also be the best thing to help a person who is the victim of emotional and verbal abuse. Its a hole you can't dig yourself out of easily on your own. I needed counseling too after finally leaving my abusive husband. Its not something to be ashamed of or to ask any stranger for help. If you are indeed under age and keep complaining to the right people, eventually your parents may be questioned and found to need counseling themselves for their own issues which is a good thing.
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You can stop hanging out with those friends that make you feel bad. For as much bombardment you're getting the only escape I can think of that'll help cope is meditation. In meditation, you escape from your mind. Which causes most of the distress. There's guided meditations on youtube and even ones that are supposed to help with headaches. It'll also enable you to more easily brush off comments from others, you'll be more at peace. It won't happen overnight, it takes some practice, but I think its worth the shot considering your situation. You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. Besides giving you some much needed sanity, it also has physical benefits.
With meditation, your self hate (why you hit yourself and enjoy it) will also go away. I HIGHLY recommend listening to the audiobook called "the power of now" by eckhart tolle. This will help you understand how to meditate without having to meditate (by being in the present moment) and it also goes into the dark thoughts and why you enjoying them. Perfect book for you. You can find the whole book on youtube.
Also, I've seen many articles online about people reversing diabetes by changing their diet. You can find information about how what causes migraines and how to prevent them online. Worth looking into, cause screw migraines. Life is hard enough without them.
Sometimes life treats us the same way a baby treats a diaper. Its important to always keep in mind that "this too shall pass". I've had points in my life where I thought things just couldn't get any worse and I hit rock bottom. But that passed, then something else happened, then that passed, then something even worse happened, then that passed. This shitty phase in your life shall also pass. Meditation and the book will be a big help. You can't change others, you can only change yourself.
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