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I feel discouraged from improving myself because of other people's BS
I feel like I'd be a better person if I lived on a deserted island. I want to eat healthier, exercise more, clean the house more, etc. but I don't want to get fit for approval of the same jerks who devalued me when I was overweight, and I don't want my parents to think I'm a better person just because I clean the house more often. I feel I'm of the same value whether I'm in a state of depression or everything is going my way, and I feel equal to other people. When my parents compare me with my cousins or those "homeless to Harvard" stories it makes me angry. I'm currently on a break from college and people say it's great to go to college so you can make more money, numerous people have said variants of this to me, and it pisses me off because I'm genuinely into learning and improving the world, that is my motivation, not just money. I can't just motivate myself to do anything just for money, the thought of that makes me feel suicidal, just to spite that kind of mentality. I've never been a partier. I'm 20 and I haven't been invited to a birthday party with my peers since I was 14 or 15. I've had a lot of internal struggles and it's annoying when people just say it's laziness, because when I feel enough self worth to give work my best effort, I put more effort into it than others, by a long shot. But as I've grown older, and my self esteem has been chipped and chipped away, it's been hard to find that self drive, and the added pressure from my parents, on why i'm not like their ideal child, doing what they want me to do, makes things worse. I'm envious of people who say they've always felt loved and supported by their parents even when they've struggled and even when they sought careers that weren't in medicine, but still were in demand. I've never been a wild child, my sibling in elementary school has been invited to more birthdays than I have in my entire life. I've never done drugs, have never gotten drunk, don't bully others, etc. I had it rough in high school, especially when my family moved to a new town my soph year, and i feel like i've finally been able to mostly move on but when addressing the past with honesty, my mom tries to put the blame on me, like maybe something was wrong with me that people didn't want to hang out with me and it's so messed up because i was literally nice to everyone, every single person, it was just difficult due to a culture clash and that my interests varied from most other students in that area. i removed myself entirely from social media and my phone rings so little i barely recognize my own ringtone. i have childhood friends i havent spoken to in a while and its just difficult cause everyone is in college now and im far away and not currently in school and i don't know what to talk about or how to relate now that our lives are so different. part of me doesn't even want to interact, i want to work on myself, but i want to do it without it being "sad", like my parents thinking something is wrong with me for not going to the mall with a friend. i mean its not like i've ever really rejected invites, i just don't get the invites, does that mean i should drop dead or i can't find things i individually can be enriched by? with the weight thing i dont want my people to think im doing it for that same BS approval. i feel like other people judge me a lot and it's annoying, i just want to get myself back on my feet so i can go back to school and be able to be successful and do the career i love. i think not having much of a social life could even be beneficial as a worker, the problem is just being able to believe that even in spite of the attitude given by the majority of people, that popular things are cooler, that if you're not living the normal way you are messed up, and etc. im taking time off to add to my resume so i can apply to a better school, and with acceptance then i'll work with them on what community college credits will count and what wont, so it's annoyin when people just say to just go to community college now when every school has its own standards. but i work, do a lot of volunteering, and focus on other hobbies, too. im just struggling in finding confidence and self worth in my decisions, decisions that seem good in my head but in reality, surrounded by parents, aunts, uncles, other peers, etc i just feel overwhelmed and i know it's really dumb since i'm 20 and not a child anymore, but these are my real feelings. i don't normally spill everything on here but i really don't have anyone i can just talk to like this without fear, i hope someone here can relate. and i promise i can type better than this, my words are just flowing. i really appreciate any help
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I am another like adviceman who can relate. I decided early on as a young child that I didn't like the BS of the majority of humans out there. Yes they all seemed to do the same thing so they beleive that what they do is normal. Its the herd mentality...just follow the herd rather than pick out your own path to travel. I never went with what all the kids were into as far as clothing. If I didn't have a liking of the style, I didn't wear it. As a result of walking my own path starting at a young age, even though I was shy/social anxiety and a lack of self confidence, I was determined to do what I wanted to do, even if no one else was doing it. Yes, it feels awful to be the only one but in some cases, the others who find you doing your own thing will fall into their follow the leader, herd mentality and copy you. I had fun as a grade school kid trying on moms clothes even tho way to big. It led to her giving me panty hose that were too small for her but as a 6th grader, fit me perfect. So I wore them to school and oh boy did girls stare and make whispered nasty comments. The lady teachers compliments me on looking so nice and grown up. It wasn't until the girls saw the female teachers approved that they wanted the same thing. Sure enough, they wanted it so bad they made their moms get them panty hose that night and came to school the next day wearing them. I remember how delighted I felt that in being myself, others wanted to copy me. Of basic personality types in the world there are four The Controller who is the leader type and I cant remember exact percentage but for the illustration I will say its very few, less than most, so out of 100, lets say only 10 people are controllers, they are the ones who not only lead but get things to happen in the world. Another small amount of 1o would be the Analysts, these are the bookworms, the thinkers, those who evaluate info and create, the inventors in life. The other 80 is split between Promoters, the self assured, extroverts, party types, great self confidence, but lacking the drive of controllers, many never really get anything much done, just flitting from one idea to the next, very social people. Lastly is my type, a Supporter, someone equally social but has a harder time deciding between two choices, not one to want to lead but rather follow a 'friendly understanding leader, not the unsocial, hard drivng controller type. Willing to help a promoter find success. End result, 80 % of people will be friendly deep down inside in their true personality but certain issues may hold them back, like social anxiety, wanting approval of others which the other 20 percent dont want or need. So these are the herd type mentality the majority of people. At 20, most people are still figuring out they are. In fact a good many people don't have that major crisis of personal change for the right reasons, the point you seem to have come to at a much younger age. By around 30 yrs of age, many more people will come to decide that they no longer want to be and do what people, friends or society expect them to do or be, they are ready to become their very own unique person. So sadly, you're not likely to easily find others like yourself until others grow a bit older.
Keep firm though to what you beleive because you are on the right course dear. I just feel badly that both your parents are not supportive. I had support of my parents growing up, even tho I suffered a lack of self confidence and social anxiety. I no longer do but I did back then and that is what helped me to feel secure and loved even tho I struggled in society. So as adviceman siad, what ever you do, being doing it because you want to do it for you, for your personal goal to improve yourself as a person. In fact, that is the very reason to the question of life that some have. Why am I alive, why am I here. Despite the harshness that this world has to offer, you can consider yourself a success if you learn to live by advicemans motto. If you can do that successfully for yourself, then it doesnt matter what you look like, your income, whether you create a cure for cancer, or solve the energy crisis, you will have accomplished just the right things in life for you. If you need someone to talk to time to time, you can write to me from my column. Good luck, and I do truly want to hear back. If you ever feel social anziety or lack of self confidence holds you back from doing what you want to do in life and want to overcome for yourself, ask me, I have very simple instructions on how to overcome them, at least, it worked for me.
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I can identify with some of what you have written. IT took a while and a stint in the Air Force to prove something to myself. When it did I finally decided that I don't have to prove anything to anyone but myself. In fact the only person I have to be better than is myself. To do that I came up with the following motto this has stood the test of time for me.
"The only person I have to be better than tomorrow is the person I am today." What this means to me, especially as work ethic was I needed to learn something new each day.
Before I retired I was a District Sales Manager. In Sales the motivational tool used by management was money. Make the sale make the money. I was never concerned about making a sale or writing an order. If I didn't write an order today I'd write 2 or 3 the next day. I needed to learn something new today that would help me or help me help my customers.
Management never understood me. Then again they never worried about me either for my sales number was always in the top 5% of the company. By making myself a better person each day, by learning something new that would help me grow as an individual and a professional was important to me and key to my success in life.
I am also very fortunate to have a wife who understands and supports my need to grow in this manner. I'm certain you will find someone like my wife who will support you in the same way so that you will have someone to talk to when you need to.
You may use my motto is you wish for you are right in what you say; that you not anyone else must believe in yourself, I'm paraphrasing what you said. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first and not worrying or believing what others may think or feel. What is important is that you are successful and happy.
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