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I feel like his mother.
I'm 20 and female and the guy I'm talking to is 22. He is a former US Navy Seal and while I do really enjoy his company and talking to him at work, I feel like his feelings are growing while mine are diminishing. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and therefore could not reenlist back into the Navy to get placed back into being a seal. He came home back in November and is pretty distraught that he could not reenlist due to his PTSD but he's coming to terms with it. Which is one of the first red flags for me, I study human behavior and the mind as a major in college so I know when you get diagnosed with PTSD, there is a very slim chance you only get that so I asked to which he told me he also has depression and anxiety.. he tried to kill himself 25 times and barely ever gets sleep due to night terrors. So, if I do want to take things further, that's something I really have to keep in mind that if we ever spend the night together or something, he won't sleep and I have to worry about him wanting to take his life over something. I know it's selfish of me to not want to get involved in that but I can't go into something when I know he's not only tried to kill himself, but tried to kill himself 25 times in 22 years and when I asked what his suicide tendencies are causal to, he texted me back "....." which is fine if he didn't want to tell me but he could've texted me back that he wouldn't rather talk about it instead of periods so I got a little irritated and didn't text him back so he texted me maybe an hour later and said he doesn't want to tell me because he doesn't want to lie. But then he goes to tell me that he thinks his night terrors are starting to go away and he said they started getting lesser when we started talking more which makes me feel horrible.
Anyway, we only talk at work but we have each other's numbers so we do text sometimes but one thing that kind of bothers me is that he only texts me when he's working, like that's the only time I'm good for him, when he has to stay awake to work his overnight shifts. I have trouble sleeping sometimes due to my stress from finishing my junior year of college so he knows I'll most likely be awake when I text him and he's flirty during that time but if I fall asleep and wake up and text him back, it's usually one to maybe five words so I just never answer him.
Another thing that definitely turned me off is his mother. She used to work where the both of us work so I knew her long before him and she was pretty cool when I knew her first. But she came into my work the other night to drop him off....that's another thing, he's 22 and doesn't have his license and doesn't seem to be making any effort to change that...and she immediately began with "you're friends with me on Facebook and didn't even tell me that you were talking to my son?" so I told her I didn't even really put two and two together until about a week ago when another girl I work with told me his last name. She went off about how this girl that told me his last name used to have feelings for him and when he didn't reciprocate the feelings, she apparently got mad and started rumors about him and continued to say "I don't get involved in my child's relationships but if you start pulling that shit, I will f*ck you up." Like, she's a mother talking like that about an 18 year old girl to another 20 year old girl that could've potentially been a new girlfriend. Then she continued on with saying "What's this I hear you want to take him to Kiwi?" --- Kiwi is a frozen yogurt place, I go there with all of my friends, it's kind of a local hang out for all of us --- so I told her that I really liked it there and I thought he would too and she told me, didn't even ask me, "I'm going to Facebook message you my address, he's off all this weekend, come pick him up and take him." I was shocked, like I'm in my last two weeks of my junior year in college and she's telling me to take her son out, all while I'm trying to write these end of the year papers and study for exams and research internships I need to apply for in my senior year and work my part time job every night for four hours.
Another thing he likes to do, now I'm not sure if he does it on purpose or maybe he does it subconsciously as a symptom of his depression and PTSD, but he'll put himself down all the time and I always have to tell him that he isn't what he says he is. I feel like his mother. The other night he whatever'd me and I told him I hated when he did that so he said he won't do it anymore and I joked and told him that he told me that before and he said "I really won't now, I forgot, I'm retarded" and I had to tell him "stop, you're not retarded." to which I replied the morning I woke up and his response around 8 am (when he finishes work at 7 am) was "yeppers" so I didn't even answer. Or he'll tell me he's fat all the time, anything to put himself down almost like he expects me to dote on him.
Another thing he does that I'm not a fan of is he never really asks me about me. I always ask him about his time in the military and his issues coming out of it and he has no problem sharing stories to which I really have no problem listening to because like I said, I study this stuff so it is intriguing to me. But he will never say something like "oh we talk about me all the time, how are you?" Or he'll never ask me how school was or how work is but yet, when I'm up at 4:30 in the morning texting him while he's at work, I always ask how it is. I have issues with my family, so I told him one day that I had to drive about an hour away even though I didn't want to because I sometimes just dread being with my family because there's so much going on. He asked me why I get stressed when I have to hang out with my family and I told him "if only you knew some of the stories" and he just blatantly said "yeah, I don't want to, lol"
Now don't get me wrong, there are good things about him. One night he walked me to my car because there's another over night worker that hits on my but he's much older than I am so it freaks me out sometimes so he walked me to my car so this other guy wouldn't catch me and hit on me on the way out. He also has his own nickname for me to play off my how he says "bubbly personality" which he uses all the time. I like his funny personality and how hard he works at work and how gentlemanly he is to people that I know he doesn't like.
What do I do? I can't really cut contact with him, I see him every night at work when I'm leaving and he's coming in so I have to still talk to him and be civil with him but he keeps asking me to hang out and I don't know if I should because I know he might try something. Or am I being irrational, do you think I should give him a chance?
Any input is much appreciated. I'm twenty and only had one boyfriend because my mom claims I'm just way too picky, I just don't know if I can deal with him or not on a romantic level when all of this is going on with just a friendship happening.
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With studying human behavior and or psychology, an important factor is to realise why you were even drawn to such studies and jobs before you begin to see the whole picture here with this friend.
There are many mature souls who are born into lives of 'Service' as I best can describe it. We are the ones who reach out to try to help others. My husband is one, I am one but it doesnt mean that we won't have periods of time where we ourselves will need a helping hand. So I am glad you wrote in. My answer will be long like your explanation but I really want to share some of my life examples and what I have learned, so bear with me.
You can't change who you are at core, if you are meant to go throughout life being of service or in service to people. People like this take jobs as counselors, doctors, nurses, caregivers, or just in general life are the ones volunteering time to help the homeless, volunteer on an advice column (grin) or just reach out to help and encourage any person they come into contact with in life whom you can tell badly needs someone to believe in them and love and encourage them. I believe you may be one of those people meant to be 'in service'. The only pitfall to being one of these people is that too often we fail to keep those who need our help separate from our personal mate or what we think may be a potential one. You have a way bigger list of Cons on a pros and cons list regarding this guy for having a gf/bf relationship. And its' easy to confuse our feelings of caring for them as possibly having feelings.
Not just spouting words dear. At 20 I married and it was an abusive marriage but I felt that my love and dedication and prayers to God could make things turn around. Never did. I left 30 yrs later and now have a new husband of almost 6yrs who is wonderful. The ex was a person with problems, needy, unable to stand on own in some areas without support. I was the strong one in the marriage. He was the weak one. In your situation, it would be the same. Which means it is meant to end in doom because it takes two 'whole' and strong people fully dedicated to putting equal amount of energy into a relationship for it to be successful. I know from failure and now, success. Sometimes, it doesnt have to even be a romantic relationship but a needy person finds you're the only one who's willing to be there for them to lean on and to catch them and they are just a friend. This friend becomes an issue if it takes time away from and disrupts your own life or prevents you from having the time to even pursue or create it. This is the kind of person who will need life long support and that eventually wears out a person, even if meant to be in service...we must have time to ourselves where we can be loved and feel regenerated by the love of our life, an equal partner.
Your situation is too close to home. I may have learned a lesson late in life. I now see my youngest daughter repeating it. She is trying to be 'in service' to a young man exactly like yours, same problems plus one more, he was injured and on disability. She loves him much and he says the only person who really understands him and can calm him when he is exhibiting destructive behavior is her. Maybe so. But unless you want that to be your role in life til the day you die, being totally the caregiver emotionally and in some ways physically (like the driver, etc) for one person, then it's your choice if you want them to be your life long project with no room for any other love interest in your life.
One person alone can't be enough to help along someone like him, he needs a team of people and experts to help him deal with life. I used to be a caregiver (no big surprise) and I was only one of a team of people this mentally challenged person had to 'be there for them', her grandpa who raised her, my boss, myself and a team of 4 basic doctors including 2 mental health, a vocational and job counselor for the disabled, her social worker and leader of a womens club for disabled women were her support team. It is unrealistic for one person to do it all. It is even more unrealistic to think you will ever get your needs met for romance and an equal partner who is strong enough to be there for you emotionally and physically on the days you need a helping hand, in a person with his needs and issues.
His mother may have started the whole ball of wax, can't say for sure. though she Sounds very overbearing, controlling, opinionated, bossy, nosy, etc and likely is the reason for his lack of self confidence. The other issues may surely come from elsewhere but he was already too easy a target for the other issues based on his childhood and how he was raised. It would be smart to avoid ever thinking of being girlfriend or life partner to someone like this, where you would inherit a meddling mother in law to heap on more pressure than just that of working to help him.
You do have your own mental, emotional and physical health to think of. The stress of such a job if you're his only support, is going to play havoc with one or several of those areas. I was able to hold myself together emotional and mentally but the stress went straight into my body and I began to have all sorts of problems, constant headaches with one average a migraine per year, stomach ulcers, all over body skin rashes that came and went and eventual high blood pressure not to mention a few other things. I suffer from none of those since I left him. And you can't prevent such things from happening to your body. It's a slow process, over the years, you're young, but why ask for trouble health wise if 10-12 yrs down the road you'll begin to see the problems in your own body. We aren't meant to take that kind of stress 24-7. Even the professionals have office hours to work with people like your friend. and then they have their down time to regenerate.
I never had, being married to such a guy. So I hope you see that marriage or even a friendship where you're with him almost 24-7 or on phone with him, leaves you no time to regenerate and is not healthy for you.
I had to learn that I had to care about myself first, (its not selfish) if doing so to make sure you are keeping yourself balanced and healthy in all ways by taking care of your basic needs first so that you can be available to give time to be in service to someone. You can't be available to help others if you end up messed up and stressed out yourself. You may have to direct him towards other persons/professionals to help him build his own support team. This is too big a project for one person. Hope this helps you dear.
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Yeahhh, I had a boyfriend like him once. It seems he has a lot of maturing to do, and isn't boyfriend material just yet. Sometimes it takes someone to mature them, and sometimes they just need more time than the average. And the whole mama's boy thing is a red flag. They need to detach before he can be ready for a serious relationship. So I don't suggest getting into a relationship with him at this time. If things don't work out, his mom could go all wack on you or something. So probably just stay friends for awhile and see if any maturing or huge changes happen, and if not, then it may just not be meant to be.
Hope this helps~
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