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Paranoia to destruction
Okay, so I've been exclusively dating this amazing guy since August and more casually since June. He's about 4 years older, which isn't a big deal besides me still being in school.He's begun his career and is away from his family and basically on his own while I'm in my apartment 2 miles from campus with parents paying bills.
When we met, he was fascinating. I had never been with anyway like him. everything about him excited me. Physically he's not the athletic type I'm used to but I didn't even see that. Even when we worked out together and saw how horrible he was in the gym I just thought it was cute. He's the smartest most thoughtful guy I've ever met and our first date we talked about life and religoin and missed most of our concert talking for hours.
but now that things have gotten more serious, I don't know where the amazement went. He does not seem interested in having nights like that. We go out to et and he's irritated or on his phone. He's still loving and cuddling at home but nothing feels natural anymore. Even the sex feels forced.
He told me about a concert back in his college town and I wanted to know how he knew about it and he wouldn't answer me, just said he had his ways.
I've been in cheating relationships before like anyone else so I know I'm paranoid about it.We're not in the same city so I feel like something is off. I can't say he is cheating but I can say I don't know much about him. I've met a few of his close friends after nagging about it. Never met any family. Females, including the one he was bummed his missed her birthday when I came to visit him, I never hea about, and when I do I'm never allowed to meet them. He says stuff like I went to eat with a friend when he's in town but I haven't seen him all day.
I'm losing interest and I think it's bc I feel like I'm sleeping with a stranger. I wrote him a long letter telling him exactly why sex is how it is for me and why I want him to tell me more about him and to reply if he's not comfortable talking and he acted like it was nothing.Now every conversation he does't say that he has my letter I just get pissed and think of a thousand reasons why he would not be fully committed to this after everything he's said. I don't know what it is bc he is an honest and loving person, but nothing sits right with me anymore and I don't know how I even feel with him.
any advice?
i'm 21 (senior at my university) female
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You *may* be paranoid about him cheating on you, but it's understandable. Frankly, the cheating isn't even a main issue - clearly there are a lot of other problems in your relationship.
There is obviously a lack of communication, which is usually where relationships begin to fall apart. You guys aren't discussing your issues in full - and this is because he doesn't want to. I don't really know why, that's something you have to get him to open up about... but if he doesn't want to, what can you do?
You may want to tell him that you are unhappy, and if you are ready, you can say that you can no longer hold on to a relationship where you feel like you're not being properly communicated with. He may realize he needs to change the way he has been handling, or not handling problems.
He's older; even 4 years make a difference. And four years from now, when you're the age he is now, most guys your age will have the qualities you enjoy in him.
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Sounds like you've tried to give him a chance to speak up if he's no longer interested and he's not saying anything. Sometimes it's easier to stay with the current situation, even if it's settling for less, than to go through the awkward thing of having to start all over again with someone new. Most humans hate change by the way and ending a relationship thats not working for you is one of them. I will say that even if a person is trustworthy, it is hard to build up a trust with someone who is long distance and you dont see often. trust is earned over time and builds slowly bit by bit as you see that the person is consistant and you can depend on what they say as they've always told the truth. It's in the day to day relationships where you see each other more than you even have a chance to gain trust so thats why you don't feel trust. I'm not saying he's innocent, just that it's more impossible to catch him if he's not when long distance.
There is something called New Relationship Energy and that may account for your great interest and friendship right off the bat. NRE is the same thing you feel with anything new in your life. Remember as a kid really wanting a certain toy soo badly and everyone in the family knew and you played with it if possible in the toy aisles of stores. Then when you got it, after a certain amount of time, most toys lost their appeal for you after a while and where abandoned in the toy box. Same thing. If there really isn't enough in common or enough chemistry to both become best friends and also enough sexual compatibility, the relationship will be a poor one at best with no chance of getting better. I assume this is what you are feeling when you said "nothing feels natural anymore. Even the sex feels forced." If he said this to you, then its time to part, even if you don't feel the same. Sometimes one feels what they believe is chemistry while the other doesn't. If this is how you feel, why are you waiting for him to confess feeling the same first? Are you truly willing to stay with him if he's crazy about you and an angel of a guy even if he doesn't do anything for you anymore? Thats called settling for less, and it bothered you enough to write. So have an honest talk with him in person next time you see him. This way you can hear tone of voice and get facial expressions and body language as well to understand what he's saying and if it looks like there's something he's not saying. If you still aren't sure, maybe it's time to learn to determine if someone is a good match for you. I have that to share with you if you like. It's a page and a half of instruction and worked great for me when I sought my 2nd husband. But you'd have to go to my column and write me from there to request it,( Doc. on how to find the right person.) Sex is one of two very important foundations for a satisfying relationship. The other is being best of friends and thats where all that stuff like respect, honesty, trustworthy, supportive, etc. all comes in. First decide what you are looking for in a guy and what you want him for, just a social relationship bf/gf to have someone to hang with and also have sex, for a long term relationship, or are you looking now for the guy you want to be with life long--with marriage or without. Then talk to him. Tell him what your needs and wants are and ask whether he can or is willing to fill them. Or you may decide by thinking about what you want, that he is never going to be that right guy for you, and so you break up. good luck!
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