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Confused: I have been thinking about my exes...
Okay so me and my GF have been together for 4 years now and like i love her i really do and we have a beautiful 2 year old bout to be 3 next month that i love to death but the thing is for about a year now ive been thinking to myself bout some of my exes and how much fun we had together and the things we did and etc... and these thoughts wont go away at all they wud leave for a second but come back like i love my gf i hella lot but i dont think im happy happy i mean we have our great fantastic times but i dont know whats wrong and im looking for advice cause i just cant talk to her about this cause its gonna start a argument and thats another thing we argue a hell of alot already but like i said i cant shake these thoughts of what if i was still with them and blah blah.. i even thought about texting one of them
sometimes i just sit by myself get so depressed about it cause i miss them days. it gets to the point when i only wanna sleep because it happens in my dreams and im so happy when im there.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
It's common to find things in a person that you like or admire whether a stranger or an ex. And common to think of those things. There is a purpose to this. However when it comes to dating and relationships, the majority of humans don't have a clue how to go about it, neither did I in my 20's. Now in my 50's, I have learned a lot in life and believe I might be able to help you sort our your confusion. If you still have questions after reading the next part, go to my column and write me from there with a brief description of your previous question so I know who you are. Here goes:
Dating is for determining if there is interest beyond basic attraction, discovering more about the other to determine if you like and can handle their personality traits, and whether there's enough in common, or evidence of destructive habits or tendencies in one or both people that would harm the partner emotionally and/or physically and kill the relationship. Depending on what you discover, you either continue dating the person and take it to the committed couple level or you break up. Dating in the beginning should be more of an investigative process, to learn about the other, not to become instant bf/gf and date socially until something breaks you up. The thing I discovered that was missing for me, was two-fold. first, I wasn't looking at the want for a partner as needing to understand myself really well, what my personality is, my life experiences so far and how that may jade my choices and also, what my specific needs are in a partner because of who I am. Example: I am very outgoing/talkative. So I am not a good match for a quiet, non talkative guy easily irritated by my chatter. You would think, that is quiet an obvious difference but I hear those complaints all the time about a partner who is too much an introvert and not good at communicating and conversing but has lots of other good qualities. So is it worth staying with such a person or not? No one knows for sure because they do not have a list of pros as in 'pros and cons' (which is one way to put it) in what you are looking for in a mate.
But I choose to call it a list of criteria for finding the right partner/mate. After a divorce when starting my search again, I believe my Angels gave me this idea, and it worked. I found it most helpful. You will make two lists. I choose to call it a list of criteria for finding the right partner/mate because that's exactly what it is. Here's how:
You will make two lists. The first most crucial one is a list of Must Haves. A 'must have' for you is something which if it doesn't apply to this other person, then that's a deal breaker, you don't date or get into relationship with them. Very important serious stuff here. So how do you know what to put on the list? Think of things that are very important to you in life, things that no one can sway your mind to a different viewpoint and importance in your life. Major issues seem to hinge on topics such as religion/beliefs, sexuality and children. Here's an example of what I am talking about. Even tho a person wanting to date isn't ready to have kids yet for 5-8 years, they know they do want children someday, their own or adopted is another concern. If one does not ever want kids and can't be swayed to change their mind, even if in love, then that is a deal breaker and must be on the list. Not to sound shallow, but the wanna be stay at home mom will never be happy if she must compromise that dream when the kids are little because the guy doesn't earn enough to support both. If she isn't flexible enough to be able to deal with reality and uncertainties of life, she could have emotional issues for being forced to work or he with her staying home and not able to meet the budget and fighting ensues. Why take a chance that something might go wrong in the future, long after your heart has fallen in love?
Finding ones best friend and sexual equal should be top priorities and whatever pertains to that in which you have specific requirements had better be on your list. You want a mate who likes to travel an incredible amount but she is a home body, no match. You may coax her on one vacation a year but more she'll be miserable, and it becomes a battle. You have a high libido. Spell out what you want. If its sex once a day, you better be sure before you even get to the point of being ready to try sex whether she also has a high libido or she thinks thats over kill and once a week or twice a month is reasonable. I hope you understand the importance of a list of Must haves. I had about 5-7 if I remember right.
Next list is a list of Wants, and a want is like the frosting on the cake, it is not a deal breaker, and you can live happily without it but here's where you might think about others who do meet this or admire others who do. That's okay. I have great memories of past guys who loved to dance as I do. It was on my list as was a guy with long hair and much more. I didnt get the dancer but I got long hair. You will only need to use the lists of wants if by some miracle you find two or even 3 people who meet all your criteria of must haves, and need something else to determine which one to choose, you go for the one who meets most of them. In my case, the man I married met all my 'must haves' but no one else did, however he met half of my wants list. So I am very happy and in my mind, I have sorted out that it is okay that he never will meet the other half of my list of wants.
A person who knows what they want, and won't back down under harrassment, won't settle for less and isn't afraid to tell others what they are looking for in a mate, is going to come across as confident to others and that is an attractive trait in people and will draw the right one to you. I didn't find my right one instantly though. Many sounded great because they lied or didn't understand their own needs and wants well and once I met them and got to know them better, saw they were not a match for me according to my criteria. Hope this helps you.
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