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I'm Christian too, we go to the same church.
We have talked about all that when he said he feels guilty. Like I know he believes that he doesn't have to have sex just after marriage, like he doesn't feel guilty about that. He feels more guilty about the lying and sneaking around.
And he wants sex to be meaningful. And with us, it wasn't meaningful because we were just friends with benefits.
So we stopped having sex and started talking and hanging out a little bit but then him being "lost" happened so yeah.
I guess time is what is needed.
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Ah, okay. As you can see, there's a lot that can be left missing originally that changes how a person might give advice.
The lying and sneaking around thing is something yes that a person will feel guilty about, the reason, subconsciously, he knows he isn't being true to himself. This is the same thing like a gay child hiding who they are and not coming out of the closet about it. And no it's not easy when family are involved, especially christian family. Though they may love their child, their first reactions are often much of the opposite, like being blind sided. It takes alot of personal strength to just be oneself around one's family, not telling them about the status of his sex life as that's not their business, but not sneaking around either. Like if he were asked to stay the night for some reason, he might say, I'd rather spend the night with my girlfriend in bed with me. Some of the ability to stand up to family despite any bad reactions is one of the hard things to go through in life. At one point, my Mom stopped talking to me for 6 months because I didn't look excited enough when she introduced me to her boyfriend after her divorce. First meeting, I did not know him but was polite and said something like I was glad that they found each other. She wanted me to jump up and down like my sister did, like a kid at Christmas "Oh this is so romantic Mom, oh you found yourself such a handsome man, I am so excited for you. Mom has a previous concieved idea in her mind of how thins should go and when I didn't act exactly according to it, she ignored me for 6 months and we worked in the same company. An older woman told me not to worry, that mom would come around in time after she processes through it and she did. I was about your age when that happened. So the boyfriend may have to go through some suffering of rejection if he gets brave enough to to stop lying to them. We can't let fear of others reactions hold us back from doing what we want with our lives. Yes, I believe you are correct, in something like this, hopefully the passage of time will be enough for him to get to a place where he doesn't care or worry about what a parent thinks. Although it can take more time than you may be willing to wait. I didn't gather the guts to do that to some extent until I hit the range of 27-32, the years when I was having kids and being responsible for other lives. That changes you in many ways. As for other things like changing and expanding my spiritual path from beyond the strict teachings of Christianity, that didn't happen until my late 40's, that is a big step to come out with, even if my family very highly religious, I was taking a definite direction and believed it with my whole heart rather than the many who live in limbo, not embracing CHristianity but not embracing anythihg else. Hopefully time will change things for him.
I would think that having you for support would give him the extra strength he needs, that would be normal but the pulling away instead of relying more on you shows there are dynamics to the relationship that I don't understand. See, I know sex can be meaningful, regardless of how we label our relationship. After I divorced the husband, the men I dated, I eventually had sex with to see if we were sexually compatible cus the ex and I weren't. And I had a couple of friends with benefits, later a couple real boyfriends, before meeting my new husband. And I had great sex, fairly meaningful. But there's something that can always make it even more meaningful, and avoiding having sex is not the solution to finding out. I discovered an energy connection, a meeting of souls in sex with the 2nd husband that puts sex out of this world and very meaningful to the point we both actually feel our energys, like the shakra energys join mix and move between us and into each other which brings a heightened experience. Not just loving the person but being in-love takes it to another level of meaning also. The ex admitted he was never inlove with me. The new husband is and the experience is vastly different.
I think there may be other things to work out as well between the two of you besides his guilt. However, if he can get over his guilt, it will then become apparent to him what issues he's really left to deal with. I can't say what they are, but there is something more that is an issue.
Hopefully it's not a problem of not having matching chemistries because we cant change the chemistries we're born with, and when both feel the same drawattraction to the others chemistry, there is that g rowing spark to love and sex that just won't be there if the chemistry felts is one sided or not there at all.
I wish you the best. Just do whatever you can to continue to support him. Hopefully he will grow beyond whats holding him back. If nothing ever changes, you will know in your heart and gut, your intuition will let you know when you've given it your all and its time to give up. hopefully that doesnt happen. Blessing.
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