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humorist-workshop
Complicated
20/f
I really liked the advice you gave me and you made a lot of good points.
I sat back and thought about everything and the things you said.
Like the whole "Sometimes I had feelings for him and sometimes I didn't"
I feel like when this thing between us started, I was really young so I was unsure about what I wanted and he didn't want anything serious at the time.
I just felt like I should fight the feelings you have for someone when you guys were supposed to be "just sex".
But then I realized all that is stupid. And I know better now.
I've dated a lot and have gone through what I want and don't want in a guy.
I had a long term relationship in between this time. I had a boyfriend for a little over two years, I probably should have said that in my question but didn't think it mattered since I was just talking about the guy that I'm interested in now.
I definitely think we're both not at the point where we don't care about what other people expect of us.
Like you said, and you're right, there has been times where he's felt guilty about sex.
I don't know, even thinking about all this, he's been the guy I've wanted for such a long time and I felt like it was finally coming together. And it just kind of sucks that maybe it just can't happen. It sucks that he's been the guy in the back of mind and that I won't get a chance to get to know him more.
Like I want to take your advice to move on but I also really want him. How do I do this?
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You will have to talk to him about his guilt because that ins one thing holding him back from being ready to fully commit. There might be others but that can be left to a therapist to discover.
He could benefit from seeing a mental health counselor. Doesn't mean he has mental illness, just needs help with his negative thinking in this area of sex or maybe others too.
I am sure if he were so willing to do this, knowing if he didn't that he could lose you, that it could help. But he can't be going thru the motions/pretending. He needs to seriously want to get beyond this. But in order for that to happen, he would have to have personal beliefs that the church doctrine isn't 100% perfect and has it's flaws which come about by man's interpretations of the Bible. That has always been the issue when people can't agree with everything in the bible. I do not know how ready he is to learn to think for himself or I call it, thinking outside of the box. It means you don't just believe everything you're told and you stop blindly accepting everything as true without checking it out for yourself. I really think this could be a good starting point. You didnt mention anything about yourself spiritually. Most people believe there is something greater than them. If what you believe is different from what he is, it could also be that the church teaches that you are not supposed to be unequally yoked, and what they interpret it to mean and use it for is to drive home the point that a Christian can't be in relationship with intent to marry if the other is anything other than a Christian, because you'd be at odds spiritually. There's more with Christianity that could pose a problem. The only way you can move on is if you have tried every possible thing you can to suggest the both of you work together on a solution to any issues or differences that both of you can live with. If its so ingrained for him it may be a bigger issue than you realize. He's still in the mode of following everything he's been told to believe. Like a robot, data in, behave this way. No leeway for anything other than what you are told. Everyones different as to when they begin to learn to question what they are told in church doctrines, especially in sex. Some question and rebel as teens and others don't until later in life, 30s 40s 50s. After that we're pretty set in our ways. I hope for your sake he is willing to talk things out and be willing to overcome whatever is holding him back. Thats a big step for someone raised in a Christian household. He may not be ready yet. You could wait 10 yrs to see if he learns to define who he really is instead of go along with everyones elses expectations for him and molding of him. He needs to become his own person as I said. Some do it earlier as I did at 18 19, however I made a dumb mistake and married at 20, following the churchs no sex before marriage thing and it ends up we were totally sexually mismatched. Neither could inspire passion or orgasms in the other. His frustration combined with his mental health issues led him to become verbally abusive of me the whole marriage. I now have the totally opposite view and told all 3 daughters it was wiser to check the guy out sexually before getting married. As young teens they were introduced to the Promise Ring concept in churchs. You get a ring on ring finger at puberty if you've decided to remain pure until marriage. After the divorce and knowing the reasons, my youngest daughter said, "Does this mean I should re-evaluate whether I continue to wear a promise ring or not. I told her it was up to her, she choose to take it off after giving it some thought. Even non church goers in society can still be influenced in their thinking in some way by hundred of years of church influence on society.
So if he's not willing to get counseling help now, you could wait for him as I said, maybe about 10 years to see if he decides to redo his life and beliefs and goals, etc...
I am sorry there isn't much other I can say. We were all given a free will and are free to make our own choices in life but too many give our choice ability over to someone else, parents even for adult kids, or the church or a marriage partner or dating partner. We do this willingly, then follow what we are told. As an adult now, it's time he makes a choice, as a child he had no choice but to follow what the parents felt was the best for him. Now he has to be okay with all he has been told, or to break away and follow his own path. I hope for your sake he is ready and willing to work on his issues in order to keep him. Make sure he understand how much you prefer to stay with him but that this needs fixing.
Blessings and good luck.
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