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Guilt ridden from breaking someones heart
I have just broken up with my partner of 5 years. This time last year I moved to Australia as I felt I needed to see the world. At first I wanted my boyfriend to come with me and he wanted to go somewhere else which devastated me, but when I got there I really loved it and I enjoyed being on my own. A month later though he moved over to be with me because he missed me too much. Since we moved in together over there, things werent the same. Were only 24 but we rarely had sex, which sadly I was happy about because I had lost sexual feelings towards him a year or so before. When I was out without him I always behaved like I was single and actively sought out other men to flirt with. I ended up meeting someone that I worked with and sleeping with him and very quickly developed deep feelings for him. After about 2 weeks of seeing each other we both told each other we loved each other despite us both being in other relationships. I left my boyfriend and went travelling with the other guy and friends for 3 months which just caused us to fall deeper in love with each other. I have told my ex that I have been seeing someone else but he just wants us to get back together. Even though we were apart for a while he always thought that we were going to end up together but it is just hitting him now that it is over for me. He is completly and utterly devastated, I have never seen him so down. He is usually so macho and composed but he is just crushed, he says he feels like there is a black cloud constantly hanging over him, and that he would rather get hit by a bus than feel this pain anymore. He is convinced that he will never ever be happy again because he will never ever find anyome that he is as close to as me, he talked about how he was going to propose to me and how he still thinks that we are soulmates. I dont know what to do. I am home in Ireland for christmas , seeing my family for the first time in a year and so is he but I am completly miserable. I am racked with guilt, I cannot stop crying , I wake up feeling anxious and panicky because I know hes not sleeping and eating at that he is depressed. He is begging me to just try with him one more time. I just want to take his pain away and I know I am the only one who can but I know my feelings for the other guy are stopping me because I really miss him and I know things with him are real even though it is too soon for me and I am not emotionaly ready I cannot stop myself from talking to him. I feel like I ll never be able to live with myself with all this guilt because I honestly feel like my ex will never get over this, he is such an amazing caring and sweet person but it takes him so long to open up to people, he only has ever opened up to me in his life. This is honestly killing me, my heart is breaking and every time he asks me to please try again I feel like I cannot continue to say no that I just want to say yes and hold him and stop him from all this because he does not deserve any of this pain . I Really hate myself.
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That's a way complicated situation. It is partly your fault for the way you ended it. That is a very devastating way to end a relationship, but after a while, your ex needs to learn that he doesn't need you to be happy, he needs to move on and work on himself. I think you should have a conversation with him and maybe apologize on how things ended and show that you really cared and that things didn't pan out that maybe he wanted to, but that's life. At a certain point, he needs to stop trying
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You need two things for a firm foundation in a 'couple' relationship that involves being in love,
1. Being each others best friends (where ones emotional needs are met
2. Being the best sex partners, having sexual chemistry, same libido's and same wants and desires (which meets ones sexual needs.
The need for love can be found in both. But for a long term relationship, where you feel you're with your soul mate, you'll need both.
Life isn't always fair. Sometimes we find a person perfect for us in one area but not both. And because we feel love for them, of course you can feel guilty. But remember, its for his best too, to find someone more his sexual equal. You may make great best friends, but that's not enough unless all you want til the day you die is being married to a best friend and having no sex life or a very poor one. Getting into a relationship like that, like a marriage, only means its a matter of time before one partner or both are unhappy after years of being unfulfilled in an area and either divorce or cheat on the partner. That hurts too. maybe even worse for all the years invested.
You are not responsible for how he "Feels" to your choosing a guy better suited for you. His feelings are his own. Even though hurtful, or disappointing, he can choose how he will react to it. Someone emotionally attached can blow things out of proportion and say things like their life is over and such. Happened to me too once. And the guy had some mental issues I later learned, but he got over the hurt in time and discovered that not getting me ended up being the better thing that happened so he could meet the girl who was perfect for him. He's now much happier.
I can understand if he is at least like a best friend and you want to stay in touch, but you may not be able to do that until he gets through his hurt and recovers your rejection. So for a good long while, it might be better to tell him you are going to stop communicating with him for a while, not because you dont want him as a friend but because he needs time to come to grips with your decision and that his talking to you isn't helping him heal but reopening his wounded feelings. SO let him know to not expect any response to his calls or texts or letters or messages on line for a while. Pain in break ups can not be avoided. Dating is about finding the person best suited for you, not sticking with the first one you said "I love you" to even though they ended up not being perfect for you. This is a normal process and nothing to hate yourself over. I hope you can see and understand my reasoning. You cannot erase all the pain of all people in this world. What of all the unwanted pets at shelters, they don't deserve the pain of rejection either but are you going to adopt every single one of them and bring them home simply because they don't deserve to suffer pain? That's not the correct reason or determininging factor for choosing a mate dear.
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