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I feel dumb for being in love with him.
I'm 22/f and I started this "relationship" with this guy I've known for over a year. It's basically FWB in a nutshell. Now we tried this before but he accused me of catching feelings and he refused to talk to me for months. He came crawling back not even a month ago and we started again. Ok, so at first he had all these rules about how Im not allowed to catch feelings this time and at first I didn't. We did what we did and that was that. Then he started telling me I could stay after we'd have sex and we would stay up all night and talk and laugh. And then when we did go to sleep he'd hold me or pull me up to his back and I'd just go with it because why not? Still he would be adamant on how I was nothing more than a fuck buddy. Now his ex started coming back into the picture, and he says hes still partly in love with her and I thought everything was over. But he still invited me out, hell we even got busy before he was going to see her. The thing that threw me the most was, when he was saying bye to me and going to her he kisses me goodbye. This guy is so full of mixed signals and crazy rules, but just now he even made it clear if I catch feelings for him, it's all over. It's like he's allowed to make me feel, but I'm not allowed to feel it and it's frustrating. I know i sound pathetic i already know. I just want to know what to do, I think I'm in love with him, but I'm not allowed to be.
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FIRST OFF LET'S NOT CALL OURSELVES DUMB. I TO HAVE BEEN IN MANY ISSUES WHERE I'VE FELT WRONG OR RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN PAIN WHEN IN FACT YOU ARE JUST BEING OR SHALL I SAY ACTING OUT TO NORMAL FLESHLY CARNAL FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS,NOT SAYING THAT THEY ARE RIGHT BUT NOT DUMB, JUST EARTHLY NORMAL.
OK FIRST OFF YOU ARE BEING USED AS AN SEX OBJECT, ANY WOMAN WHO ALLOWS HERSELF TO GIVE THE MILK UP FOR FREE WHY BUY THE COW, I KNOW YOU'VE HEARD THAT EXPRESSION, THINK ABOUT IT. YOU ARE EVERY EVIL WICKED HEARTED MAN'S DREAM. THEY ALL WANT A WOMAN THEY DON'T WANT TO COMMIT TO BUT SATISFY THEIR MANLY NEEDS, A MAN NEEDS A WOMAN WE ARE A GIFT TO THEM. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH THE BIBLE OR CHRIST BUT IN THE BEGINNING ADAM WAS LONELY SO GOD CREATED EVE. MEN HATE TO BE LONELY AND A FLESHLY CARNAL MAN FOR SOME REASON TEND TO BELIEVE THAT SEX FIX EVERYTHING THING, ITS SORT OF LIKE A DRUG THAT SEDATES ALL PAIN. YOU ARE HIS SEDATIVE DRUG AND THAT'S IT NOTHING MORE. AGAIN MEN HATE TO BE LONELY AND CRAVE FOR TOUCHING HOLDING AND SEX IT'S IN THEIR DNA. BUT THE WICKEDNESS OF THEIR HEARTS WON'T ALLOW THEM TO PURSUE THESE NEEDS IN A GODLY MANNER ONLY A FLESHLY CARNAL , SELFISH MANNER
CALLED
USING
ABUSING MENTALLY
AND DESTROYING OTHER LIVES
NOW ATTACHING THEIR PAIN TO THE OTHER SEX.
THE REASON WHY HIS HEAD IS IN MORE PEACE THAN YOURS IS , IS BECAUSE BY STATING IN THE BEGINNING
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CATCH FEELINGS AND YOU AGREED, BY THE WAY YOU NOR HE IS IN CONTROL OF THAT , BUT BY STATING THE RULE AND YOU FOLLOWED FREES HIM OF ALL GUILT, IN TURN ENTRAPS AND IMPRISONS YOU.
NO IT'S NOT PATHETIC, IT'S A DESCRIPTION OF YOU NOT KNOWING YOU
WHILE COMPENSATING THIS KIND OF TREATMENT TO MASK AND HIDE SOMETHING WITHIN YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT READY TO COME IN TERMS WITH . YOU DON'T LOVE HIM NOR YOURSELF AT THIS POINT. HIS REASON IS SELFISH, LUST AND GREED. YOUR REASON IS NO SELF IDENTITY , NO PURPOSE, LOST, INSECURITY, FEAR OF REJECTION, AND FEAR OF BEING ALONE , WANTING TO BE LOVED. FOCUS ON THIS SCRIPTURE, IT IS TRUE. THE MORE I MEDITATED ON IT THE MORE IT MANIFESTED ITSELF TO ME AND THEN BECAME ATTACHED TO MY HEART AND NOW APPLIED ITSELF TO MY LIFE AS A SECOND NATURE AND HAS DELIVERED ME FROM ALOT OF PAIN. MEDITATE ON IT AND GET IT INTO YOUR HEART.
FIX YOU
LOVE YOU
GET TO KNOW YOU
STOP BEING USED
IT ONLY ENTRAPS YOU
DESTROYS
AND BRING ALOT OF CONFUSION AND PAIN, ALSO BLOCKS YOUR REAL KING, AND YOUR SELF WORTH
YOUR WORTH MORE
GOD LOVES YOU QUEEN
HOMEWORK
MEDITATE
MATTHEW 7:6
DON'T GIVE WHAT'S VALUABLE TO GOD
TO DOGS OR PIGS
THEY WILL ONLY TURN AND ATTACK YOU
OR TRAMPLE ALL OVER YOU
GLAD I COULD BE OF HELP
I'LL BE HERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ME THROUGH THIS, MY NAME IS MINISTER JOY DIVINE
HAVE A BLESSED DAY
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I'm going to try to pick up where Dragonflymagic left off. I sometimes like to talk or explain in clichés this is probably one of those times. There is an old saying about buying the cow if the milk is free. That saying fits this situation as much as what Dragonfly said about you possibly not fitting his idea of an ideal woman.
The problem with being a fuck buddy or FWB is one of you is getting the milk without buying the cow. One of you is not interested in a long term relationship and in your case your buddy has laid it on the line. His only interest in you is a relief vessel for his sexual needs if he can't get relief anywhere else. You on the other hand are hoping that the sex will be so good he will change his mind and fall in love with you as you have with him. This is not working out. Have I clarified the picture in fairly straight talk?
He has been fairly straight with you and I really do not see any true mixed signals. The cuddling, the spending the night have all been with the same message as in the beginning. From what you have written he has stayed fairly close to his original deal with you.
Before you fall hopelessly in love with him, for which I do not see him reciprocating my suggestion is you terminate your FWB agreement. When he asks why tell him. "I am starting to have feelings for you and I don't wish to be hurt again like last time so we cannot continue to be fuck buddies or anything else unless there is a true relationship between us."
Now the ball is in his court. If he has any feelings for you at all other than a safety net for his sexual urges it is his time to speak up. Otherwise the bedroom door and your legs are permanently closed to him. I may have said this a bit harsh but I could not say it any plainer and so should you so there is no mistaking you meaning.
I've been doing this a long time. I can tell a lot about a person from the way they write and what they write. You write very well. You deserve better than him. You deserve more than friends with benefits. You deserve someone who will love you and cherish the intimacy you share with him.
If you find yourself settling for FWB's more than for a good strong relationship, then you may have a self-image problem. If so that is something you might want to talk to a therapist to get over and put behind you. You deserve better, don't settle, chose what is right and best. Make a man want you for who you are not for what you can give him.
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I've done FWB for a while after leaving ex before finding my 2nd husband.. To help explain my reasoning on the subject, here's what happened for me. I loved the guys as people but was not in love with them because I had a very specific list of what I was looking for in a guy that I would consider as husband material to marry and though these guys were honestly sweet guys, they did not meet lots of criteria on my list so there was no danger of falling in love with them. I told them at the start that I was willing to do the friends with benefits thing with them but I would also go out with any guys I came across who looked like he had potential to be husband or long term love. And when that happened, they would no longer see me.
In your case, I am not sure what is going on but I am guessing that perhaps you haven't decided what you want yet in a long term partner or husband.
Rules (whether you believe them crazy or unreasonable) and boundaries made clear at the beginning of getting together with someone is actually a very smart thing. It is entirely possible for a guy wanting only a FWB going into it and later falling in love with the girl. It's been a year and it hasn't happened with him so he is not going to be the man who falls in love with you.
Another thing that may be happening, you crave attention as all women do but in desiring the kind of attention that affirms that you are sexually desireable, many women wait for the first guy who will notice them and ask and then they cling to him, fearing they will never find another man who will notice them and want them, even if only for sex, but hopefully more. This puts the ball in the man's court so to speak, puts him in control. He gets to call the shots as you have found. It should be more on equal terms, but it really counts what you want. If you want a guy calling the shots, in control and wanting you to hang around being available for him at the drop of a hat, then you've got it. He in a way has you trained like a pet, to do certain things.
Do you want Happily ever after with some guy? Well, it doesn't happen just because you wish it so. It takes maximum effort from both people to make it so. Even then, this is considering that both feel a strong chemistry with each other. One as best friends and the other sexually. Both are needed to make a relationship that has a good chance of working. I was married 30 years to a man who at the end answered my friends question, was he ever in love with me. His answer was No, he loved me as mother to his kids but thats all. Hey and I love chocolate chip icecream, but that's not the kind of love needed in a long term or marriage relationship. Sounds like you need to decide what you want, and once you've done that, then the hard part...I've had to do this at one point in life to leave my abusive ex, it's called, growing some backbone, putting ones big girl panties on and not waiting for guys to notice you, you decide first what you actually want, I'm talking about a detailed list. the things you require, if a guy doesnt meet the criteria, thats a deal breaker and you stop dating him as soon as you find out to move on to the next. this shows a self confidence, you care about yourself and expect a guy to treat you special, you are able to tell a guy you meet, up front, about what you are looking for in a dating partner and ultimately in a life partner. When it's the other way around and you are doing the choosing, you might hear what one guy said to me after i met him one time for coffee, Please choose me, I hope you choose me. IT's not easy. Its a long process like any other change but i am sure you'd rather be on the right road rather than on the dead end you're on right now. You can write me with any other questions that come up for you as you go through this process. Good luck dear.
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