|
How do you explain to your loved one he is being disrespectful
I am a very successful woman in her 30's. I have happened to fall in love with a younger man, who's never been in a long-term relationship (long story). We do have conflicts, and my biggest problem is that he immediately escalates into defensiveness and being abrasive. I've tried all kinds of approaches, but I think I may have finally found the reason - his and mine understanding of respect and kindness are really far apart.
I've tried to explain to him today that telling me to "drop it" is not acceptable in a conversation (in lieu of "are we all good? let's move on" or "if we're done, let's change the subject). He also doesn't think that telling me to "get over it" after something he's done that hurt my feelings (granted, it wasn't a huge problem, but it did bother me). He's also prone to raising his voice - a lot. Yes, we have talked about this, many times. Things get better for a bit, then go right back to this. And I honestly think he just does not understand that what comes out of his mouth is inappropriate. At the end of our argument, he said I guess you are like a dog, you sure bark like one (when I went off about how is it that you he can't understand that giving me an order to "drop it" is not alright; I'm not a dog).
Anyway, I've tried explaining this, I've tried communicating that this kind of language is hurtful, I'm at a loss. He feels that I'm absurd and that it's really not a big deal. So, either I'm nuts, or he's a total ***. ?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I agree for the most part with what missundersmock wrote. I'll ask the same question she did in a different manner. Is the age difference between you one that might qualify you as either and MILF or Cougar in todays young persons parlance.
If so the problem is not so much one of disrespect but one of a generational language gap. To today's twenty something's this is the language they grew up with. To them it is not disrespectful it is just how it is. It may not be what they were taught in school either but how they talked to each other.
You say you are a successful woman in her thirties. With him in his twenties and him seeing you as either and MILF or Cougar is it possible that he is a budding Gigolo. Something I think you need to consider.
I do agree if he is actually in love with you and not a budding gigolo, as I suspect could be possible, he should make an effort to please you. It is not hard to update his communication skill as it is what he was taught in school.
I'm not trying to ruin the romance for you but I do feel it is appropriate and my purpose in answering you to point out what love may be blinding you too. Gigolos will go for the money and the object of their affection can be rich and beautiful or not so beautiful and rich. It is the money they are after and the papering the person with the money can provide.
I can tell from what you have written you are a very warm and loving person. You are not nuts! He on the other hand may be taking advantage of you I can't really say. I am an outsider looking in at something with very little information. Please take a fresh look at this relationship and make sure he is not taking advantage of you.
]
well how much younger is he??
I only ask this because even though age can be looked at as "just a number" sometimes that persons life experiences havent aged them enough to make them a person that someone more mature and older can be with.
someone who is younger then you but usually considered by everyone around them to be "wiser than their years" would be the right to be with for an older person. Honestly, he sounds immature and doesnt sound like he is on the same page as you about what is deemed as appropriate language for a partner or a spouse at all.
If youve tried explaining this to him and he does not care to try to change then i think you know where this is headed. He takes you for granted and might be the kind of person that needs to learn from his mistakes the hard way before he will realize that you will not be spoken to like that.
If it was ME, i would SAY straight up "excuse YOU i will NOT be spoken to like that and i dont appreciate your attitude either so calm down" stay calm while you do it and do not blow up or raise your voice.
Also its OK to make your point so long as you dont keep droning on and on about it. I noticed you said that he would say "drop it" or "are we done now?" alot and im wondering if thats because he thinks your droning on and on after the subject should be over with. (idk for sure obviously) but just try to make sure thats not the case because sometimes the conversation can tend to go in circles with one person thinking they need to re-enforce their point when the other person heard it already and gets the picture.
When he gets defensive over things just ask "whats with the defensiveness, im just asking" or "you seem a little defensive is something wrong?" and if he says yes and what it is say "well then tell me, because if you dont i cant fix it now can i??"
this will encourage communication from his side, and he might feel more free to express his thoughts and allow you to get a clearer picture of what his current quam with you is.
Usually a "ok well i hear you and i understand, but taking your frustrations out on me isnt going to help anything, its only going to make it worse" tends to work with people ive tried it on.
good luck! ; )
]
More Questions: |