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What he did more explained
Hi dragonfly! Thanks for the advice!
However,I dont think I expliand well! I met this young man when I was 12,we were close
Then I moved a few states away and reconnected with him on Facebook 2 years ago
From that time,we always talked about being together as a couple,he was nice to me for the most part
But I always made sure that I said that I loved him and as of over a month ago I split with him
Because I was afraid of flying and couldnt get on the plane.
Of course,I have felt such remorse since splitting with him,because we talked all the time,and we talked about spending our lives together
And of course,me eventually moving over there to be with him.
As of this past week,a friend of mine saw he had an instagram account,and he showed me pictures of him and this young woman
They spent 7 months together,and they are photos of them kissing and the whole bit
I dont personally feel that its wrong of me to be upset over this.
I am upset,because he DID NOT TELL ME! He at any time,could of stop flirting with me and talking to me while he was with this woman.
He couldve and he didnt.I had a feeling he was with someone,and couldnt pin point it,without proof you know.
And my other dilema is that I miss him alot,and miss the closeness of being in contact with him.
And my mother did watever she could to make sure we never were together.
Im 25 now,and he is 26. And my mom on top of all this,wants me to marry relegious.And I cant do that.
My mom would hate me forever if I ever married this guy.
When I was 12,I always followed him around,and his family and mine got together,and the whole bit.
I am disheartened that he never thought to tell me of this woman.
I feel like he thought,since Im not physically there,that I would never know or find out about his relationship with this woman.
And he felt,that I would never know.And he must have done this with a clear conscience in his mind
He in fact,still hangs out with her,and is still his friend.
Now this other woman,has a new boyfriend and everything.Which is fine.
Im sad and upset about the whole bit. He shouldve told me.I wouldve stopped talking to him,if he just told me.
But he didnt. And I feel that what he did was wrong.Fine,long distance. But he knew I could be there,some other way.
He had only to ask of me,to stay away,or tell me.He had many oppourtunities. I dont feel he didnt tell me to spare my feelings
Obviously,7 months,surely he felt something for this woman. It almost makes me wonder,what else he hid from me
Im unsure what to do about this? I still love him very much and I miss him so much.
But am unhappy,he kept a relationship on the side from me.
So,after explaining,do you still feel,he did nothing wrong? Because I feel he did.
Thanks dragonfly,youre a wise lady!!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Well now, this is a much clearer picture.
You still didn't live in or near the same town as him, only a few states closer. But for two years, you and he talked on line about being a couple. Does this mean you were not yet a couple? Was it a vague thing or did he and you have an actual plan you both were following. Was he telling you often how he couldn't stand being apart from you. Talking dirty is one thing, it only gives him release, his orgasm while on the phone, but it is not one and the same with telling you how much he misses you and finding ways to come see you, not making you make your way over to him. A man in love is not able to go long without his girl without going crazy from missing her. How did he confirm he missed you? Think about that.
You also said you told him all the time that you loved him.But you didn't say if he said it in return. That's a big deal.
On the other hand, just saying the 3 magic words, "i love you" doesn't mean a thing if he isn't doing things to prove it by his actions and how he treats you.
he was acting dis-honorable by misleading you with talk of becoming a couple. If he had devious plans like keeping you on the hook as 2nd choice in case his first choice in a girl doesnt work out, that's low and dishonest and not the actions of a man who loves you. So while he's seeing the other woman, he was still making plans for the future? What kind of plans, were there plans to live together? Plans for engagement and a marriage date? i could talk forever about making a trip someday to visit Europe, but all it is, is lots of talk if I am not making any plans, researching on the computer, streamlining my budget and keeping to it so I can save up the funds to make that trip. I don't know what stage you both were at. If there was a promise to marry you, then it was only words and he was lying if he was able to get into a relationship with another woman at the same time he is making plans of real commitment with you.
A good thing to do when meeting a guy is have a list of want you need and want in a guy. It must be very specific. If a guy is willing to ask you out again a third time, there is a certain level of interest. Thats the time to begin asking questions so you don't get your hopes up. "Well Joe, it seems we have fun together and get along pretty well, so at this point, before hanging out with you any further, I'd like to know some things about you. There's no wrong answer, I just want the truth because I am actively looking for my long term partner or the person I marry and have kids with someday. So, tell me what it is you are looking for, just a social companion, a friend with benefits, are you monogamous or not. Do you prefer serial monogamy to making a commitment or are you searching for a woman to be your one and only to love til the day you die, and beyond? It's okay if this talks scares a guy away. It means he was not going to be able to make a commitment any time soon. You want to deliberately be saying and doing things that weed out the losers.
First hubby was a loser. I'm in my 50s now and with my new husband just over 5 years. I tried single dating. It's like hunting for a needle in a haystack to find exactly what i am looking for. yEAH there are a lot of jerks like your guy to weed through but the few jewels are out there and still available. I posted a list of criteria that a guy must meet before he can even write me a message. So many ignored that so I ignored them. But in the end, it was a good tool for weeding out the losers, the guys who lie, the guys who want to cheat on their wife or girlfriend with me.
I had one guy write in his profile something about meeting for first date at a coffeehouse is something he hates but anywhere else is okay. We traded phone numbers. Good looking dude. I was excited. First call he is saying okay lets meet at such and such coffee joint. I pointed out that his profile said he actually hated going to places like that and he didnt have to do that for me. He blew up at me, "I have a right to change my mind if I want to!!" he yelled. For one thing, he is confused and doesnt know what he wants, is not a man of his word, loses his temper easily, hates being corrected or having an error he made pointed out, always has to think he's right, etc. I told him right them I changed my mind and decided not to meet after all. Another dud weeded out. Some are blatant like that, others are not, but they can be caught if you are diligently looking for any inconsistencies, any ways he treats you that you specifically other than what you said you were looking for, etc.
You have to know what you are looking for before you can find the right guy. And the right guy won't mind that you have a list. A lot of guys who weren't perfect for me were drawn to me like bees to honey because a woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to make that clear says she is confident and that is like an aphrodisiac to men. They are very very attracted to that. So make your list but know that some of those attracted to you are not going to be perfect for you still.
You also have to be able to explain to guys clearly who you are, whats most important to you. Me, I am spiritual but not religious, into health food, and I wanted someone my sexual equal after first marriage a mismatch. You dont have to do this in a dating site. But the idea of writing your thoughts and making your list is very important. Save it as docs on your pc or in a written journal. go back as you think of more things and add them or make changes. Then memorize what those lists say so when you meet a guy, you can tell him more about who you are and therefore what you are looking for in a guy. If he cannot tell you some detail about himself and what he is looking for or at least the ideal date, it could be he just has never given it any thought. So ask him to think hard about where he is in life and what he wants, single a while longer, single forever, or ready to commit long term, life long if he finds the right woman. Sex is an important topic too for early on.It's very important to guys. But they won't bring it up early for fear of scaring away the girl. This is the time to share if you have a high libido, or low one. How often one wants sex, do you want kids someday, how soon how many, do either of you have herpes, are you willing to get tested IF the relationship gets to that point. I always make it clear I am not saying that i want to have sex with them right off the bat, just don't want to waste time dating someone only to later find when feelings develop and ready for sex that we are a mismatch cus one has fantasys or fetishes i just wont do.
Keep in touch dear and let me know how you are doing as far as being ready to start looking again for Mr Right. This one obviously wasn't.
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