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I feel like my boyfriend puts smoking weed before me and it's affecting us
I'm 16 my bf is 17 and we've been dating for seven months. As a person he is the nicest, most caring and great boyfriend to me and honestly treats me so well and I'm not even just saying that everyone says what a nice boyfriend to me he is. He doesn't do anything shady like talking or flirting with other girls or lying to me were actually pretty honestly open with each other. We care about each other so much and he's my first boyfriend and I love him very much. I always said if a guy ever cheated on me or anything id dump them for sure which I would as till this day in my relationship I don't put up with any shit with him and we always talk stuff out and I would say I wear the pants in our relationship. Getting to the point though long before we started dating I knew he was a pothead but that didn't bother me because we were just friends so what did I care. But even when we first started dating he wasn't even that bad with me I think because he knew I was talking to other guys too so he tried to be the best him he could be I guess and he even took me out and bought me flowers and chocolates for valentines day before we started dating and that's the person I really love and side I love about him. But now seven months into our relationship he still smokes but now it's become something like if he gets out of work at 9:45 and I tell him to come over to hangout with me he'll say if I had asked him earlier he would've said yes but he's gonna smoke with his friends what about if he comes over after and I'm so used to this and I know I shouldn't be but I am and this happens and he ends up getting to my house AT 12 am to chill. I told him that's ridiculous and that I feel like he puts smoking weed before me and that it feels like that's more important to him than me and he just says that's not true at all. But it's hard not to feel like that when it's happened more than once and I feel like I'm fighting for his attention. A lot of times when we hangout late he just starts falling asleep or of he's really high he's not even coherent with me. And I'm not mad about it anymore I'm just tired of it and I've told him this and he says he won't smoke before hanging out with me but he's tried that and it's only lasted so long. I know id be a fool to wait around for him to change because I know as much as he loves/cares about me idk if he would quit all together. Some of my guy friends have told me that I can't give
Him an ultimatum because he'll choose smoking but others have said I can because I'm his girlfriend and it's unfair to me because I'm the one that's sacrificing that's losing in the end. I don't want to explode on him one day and just break up with him but I don't know what to do like I'm torn. He is the best boyfriend but sometimes I feel like I am second choice and I feel like I'm in a relationship with an addict sometimes. I don't want to break up but I want to feel happy with him 100% of the time and not feel like I'm less important I just don't know what to do to make him realize that he's gonna lose me if he doesn't get his shit together. And I don't have a problem with people that smoke at all obviously because I smoke too sometimes or because I'm dating a pothead but with him he's affecting us in a bad way. And he's not the typical pothead he actually works a lot and when he's not high he's the best boyfriend and treats me great and with great respect but when he's high it makes me feel like I'm a doormat and I don't want to feel like that. What do i do? Thanks
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Dating is for the purpose of finding things we like about the opposite sex and also discovering what we don;t like and when we discover the don't likes, and they don't get better, you break it off, make the mental note to look out for that in the next person, (have a list of pros and cons) and don't settle for less the next time around. As you go to a great many dating relationships, you will continue to learn. The object is not to go for proving how long you can stay together even if the relationship isn't good, but to learn now so you'll have an easier time in the future, finding the one you want to grow old together with.
Basically, as a young woman, you are going to have to decide what you want from a guy, not be afraid to spell it out, upfront and expect it cus you are not going to settle for less. Many guys will be attracted to you, cus there's something about a gal who speaks her mind where it pertains to a guy, that tells she is self confident and that is attractive to lots of guys. But not all of them will at the same time be willing to make the changes if any are needed to fit her list of expectations. The only way to get quality guys to date, even at this age, is to give them the ground rules and boundaries not to be crossed, and the moment they do, no matter how your heart may feel attached, you must break up and tell them why and then move on. Most girls can't do that and come back to the guy after telling him whats what. That only makes young men worse. They learn that they can get away with mediocre treatment or poor treatment of a young lady and she will take it because she doesnt want to lose him. You don't want to be one of a half dozen women he will ever meet in life, that teaches him its okay to ignore a girlfriend, or treat them like crap.
As has been said, there's no totally perfect two people who can make a perfect relationship where you're in bliss 100% of the time.
Happily ever after doesn't happen just because you wish it so. It only happens when both people put in maximum effort to make it so.
So if he's not putting in any effort, you're wasting your time. He's got a long way to go to adult maturity. If we dont have mature brains until age 25 to 30, then it may take some time. go on and learn more about dating from other guys. Try to stay in touch and see if you still have feelings as the years go by. If he grows up and changes sometimes in his late 20s and you're still available, then you may think of dating him again. Staying with him right now, robs you of your learning experiences in dating, as far as your needs and wants and want are the deal breakers with guys.
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"I want to feel happy with him 100% of the time"
First and foremost, everyone has issues. There isn't going to be a perfect relationship without arguments, minor disagreements, etc. People are just too different to perfectly line up together like that.
As for your situation, I think you need to have a more thorough conversation with your boyfriend. Consider where he's coming from and approach the conversation with that in mind, because it sounds like he does care very much for you and values your needs. Explain as respectfully as possible what you want out of the relationship and how you aren't getting it. If your relationship is strong, you should have no trouble making compromises with him. If it is simply a matter of him making plans and not wanting to break them, try to make plans with him more in advance.
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