|
when to know when to give up the marriage or keep trying.
Well me and my husband have our anniversary this November. Our one year. And it seems like any special day , my birthday, Christmas, or even days that represent a family members passing. He goes too far. My first b day I spent with him he called me a lazy bitch. This year on my birthday he couldn't spend ten min. In a room with me. And he brings up the fact that when he is hateful and we fight, PS(he can write a book with the things he wants me to change) I say to him if you're so unhappy then divorce me. And he said if I say that word again he will. Once again on my birthday. We have been fighting a lot because I'm this or I don't do that. And I don't feel good enough for him any advice?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Honey, as long as you have that attitude that you are not wanted and he is your only choice, nothing is going to improve. Your husband sounds like my ex who was verbally and emotionally abusive like yours, never happy no matter what I did, even if I followed his instruction explicitly, he treated me as if he hated me and then the cycle continued to the remorse and kiss and make up period during which he might say he loved me but he didn't. It was just words for him. And eventually the cycle repeats with the bad abuse.
You put yourself in a bad situation by moving to another country. Abusive men typically will choose weak women, women who have no support network of family, or just believe they will never find anyone better.
You say you'd be mentally and physically abused by going to mom. Do you not realize you already have the mental abuse from him? cUS THATS what he is doing right now. Theres no guarantee that at some point he won't try the physical abuse too.
My ex made a mistake in choosing me as i was not weak as a person and put him in his place. I soon found that defending myself never helped but added fuel to his fire. As a Christian...of all things, it should have been a loving relationship but it wasn't. The church doesn't condon divorce but rather trusting God to heal a marriage. What I didn't realize until much later is that God gave each of us a free will and won't interfere and force us to become better. Your husband needs to want to change, a desire that comes from within him. So even seeing a marriage counselor won't help if he's going thru the motions but has no inner desire to become better, or worse, like my ex, thinking there is nothing wrong with himself. You can not expect him to ever treat you better. If mom is the same, you can't expect her to do so either.
You keep mentioning a mom. Is there no dad? No aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents whom you could go live with while you seek work. Once working, pay them for staying with them and save up to get out on your own. If no family can take you in, which was my situation, find friends who will, you need just a short time to get away from him. My husband to be spiteful said he wouldn't give me a divorce. So I packed and went to stay with one friend. While there, updated friends out of state who said I could come live with them.
The part that needs to happen for friends to offer you a place to stay is being open and not embarrassed to share your situation and asking if anyone can help. I worked in a large company and swallowed my pride and asked every female there if she might have a room or rec-room they could rent to me so i Could get away from the husband. You don't need a divorce to leave him. I left without the divorce. I am steering you in this situation because there is nothing you can do to fix your relationship. i know thats your first choice because you feel some love for him. After about 15 years of abuse, he finally succeeded in killing my love for him. I no longer had any feelings for him other than as another human being, wanting the best for him but realizing that the only person I have the power to change is me, and I Have the power to change my situation.If you want to wait 10 years or so to see if your love for him completely dies to make it easier to leave him, then that is your choice. I know of no other way to improve your situation other than swallowing your pride and telling anyone and everyone of your situation and of wanting to leave him and return to the U.S. If you are too scared to look further for help than the people you already checked with, then you are destined to remain in your situation.
Staying with him, doesn't come without the effects on you and your health. the problem's come either in breaking you down emotionally or physically. The stress has to go somewhere. So you either fall apart mentally, get depressed, or your physical health is attacked. for me the stress couldn't attack my mind cus I was strong there. But it tooks its toll on my health with constant headaches and a few migraines per year, stomach ulcers, high blood pressure, and a few other things. When I finally left him, just walked away....I got to heal and regained my physical health. A year later when I returned to my state and found work, the adult children all said i looked better and happier.
Hon, I married at age 20, and I didnt know enough then to know it wouldn't improve. I'd love for you to believe me and find the courage to take the steps to ensure the rest of your life is better. It took til into my forties to start doing that. I am now 5 yrs married to a wonderful 2nd husband who is the total opposite of the ex.
Before breaking away, one thing that worried me is where i'd get support, if I left. Financial concerns is one thing that keeps an abused woman from leaving her husband. I was even willing to go to a shelter but I checked around and they only have shelters for the physically abused, not the emotionally abused. I even checked with lawyers...there is no support system to help a female who needs help. sO what it takes is a female who is not waiting for a knight in shining armor to come riding along and save her...and that knight means anyone, all other people. nO one can save you but you yourself. Once you have d ecided to do that, then you will look and keep looking and keep mentioning your want to get away and forge a new life. And eventually some kind person will decide to assist you by offering you a place to break away from him but you have to make that happen. If you're not ready to do that, there is nothing anyone can say in advice that will make a difference for you. My ex had mental issues it turns out in the end, if you're talking split personality, there's a chance your husband has it too and it won't go away. It can be controlled by Dr prescriptions and following Drs instructions on how to cope with it but whether there will be improvement even if he was willing to admit he has anger problems for one thing among other issues, that is yet to be seen. How about asking him if he will go for counseling? If he won't, why not go yourself, and the counselor can help you get to a healthier frame of mind that you need to start looking out for yourself and making a better decision for your own welfare.
I am praying for you, for courage. The rest, you have to do.
]
More Questions: |