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My husband stole from my father from my son... What now?
I asked a question similar to this looking for advice and I don't think I was clear about what was going on. My husband and I married in 2009. During that time he stole from my father from my son he did 2 years probation. He didn't work much while being together. He walked out July 2013. He took our shared car he ended up junking it. The day he left I had to work I walked my two kids to work with me because I did not have a baby sitter I ended up calling my family that lived 900 miles away finally telling them what happen the drive and came and got me and the kids and I moved away. The whole him walking away was due to the landlord say they didn't get a month ago rent and I asked him about it he said I was accusing him of not paying it and I worried because of him stealing before. He says he planned on taking a few days to cool off and come back but I was gone. In the past year he's dated I've dated we haven't talked much about us he mow travels remodeling building all over US. He calls every night talks for hours tells me how much he misses being a family willing to still take it slow. Start over like dating again earn my trust back etc I'm just not sure what to do. We have one child together
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
In reality, people do not change quickly or overnight just because they feel bad about a decision they made. If it was that easy to change ones personality or bad habits or character traits that easily, then all the people who smoke tho they know they really shouldn't, or get drunk and know they shouldn't and feel really bad about it, would be able to quit that bad habit over night just because they felt bad about it. But as you know from hearing from others, it's very hard to stop doing something like that, and it get more complicated when its not just habits but bad character traits cus it's the hidden stuff deep inside a person's subconscious, the stuff they experieced in life that influenced them psychologically this way, this is some of what spurs them to live a live that not only isn't productive or the best for them but hurts those around him/her.
the problem is greater than his maybe sincere promise to do better. He needs professional help. And even with it...it took take decades to get to the bottom of what causes him to be this way and teach him how to overcome that and become a better person. I left my ex, an abusive marriage. He was going to see a counselor as a way to get me to consider staying with him rather than leaving him and divorcing. I overheard from him when he didnt think I was hearing him, that he has nothing wrong with him, doesnt intend to apply himself with the counselor and only goes to see one as a way to keep me so I would think that everything is okay now. I asked the counselor privately how quickly I could count on husband really changing for the better. He told me some people change quickly because they want to, but thats the minority. the majority take a long time to change if they ever do at all. He asked if I felt there was any chance for my marriage to stay intact based with that revelation. Faced with having someone who is pretending or even meaning well but not changing possibly, and having another year of the same abusive behavior, It was hard but I thought I could somehow make it work but when I thought, how about 10 more years of the same old stuff, no change, 20, 30, til the day I die? And I knew I couldn't take that chance with not only my happiness but for the sake of my daughters who were old enough to leave home. If I stayed, I knew my health would grow worse, the stress of the treatment I got was already affecting me. A vision/dream I had came with a warning if I didnt leave, my health would get worse and I'd die in 4-5 years.
A person shouldn't give up on someone lightly but at the same time, the child needs to see what a real good male is like. If the child doesnt have that growing up cus his/her biological dad is incapable of being a good male role model (with or without treatment) then a girl grows up to pick a guy just like that for a husband and a son grows up to behave just like Dad, not that they are aware of it being a bad model and choosing it, its the only real model of an adult male that kids have close association with growing up and will think it is actually normal behavior.
I used to make excuses for my ex's behaviors during our marriage. Make sure you are not doing that in your mind. Make sure it is just the facts you are looking at.
Right now this man is traveling the U.S. in his job, has no roots, (place to settle down in) has no responsibility for caring for you and the child, so of course he can look like he's doing good, sticking with a job. Job probably pays for gas and travel expense, maybe even some compension to places to stay.With constant travel, he cannot sign a lease on an apt. so he also has no responsibility for monthly payment and keeping up his own place. Most likely he has the benefit of maid service for any of his extended stay motel places. Without the pressure of any kind of responsibility, it is easy for him to think he's really doing better. My kids say my ex is doing better but it happens to coincide with getting a nice job that isn't too stressful and so far seems to pay the bills. When money was tight and unexpected expenses came up, he just fell apart and could'nt handle the 'adult' responsibilitys. He'd have anger fits that things didn't go the way he thought they should and I had to make all the adult decisions and take care of things cus he didnt know how to be an adult and handle adult pressures.
Here's another way to look at him nightly begging to come back to you as a family. If he's on the road, how many nights is he really going to be home to 'be a family' anyways? Does dating and doing the dating process ever so slowly, help him grow up and became an adult? He thinks dating you will regain your trust? Do you? The only way to prove himself is by taking on responsibility again and doing it right this time because he has changed who he is at core. He can fake it, pretend, put up a false personality, act sweet and convince you to let down your guard. If he really is doing that, and he really thinks by you seeing him again that he has you fooled, the guard will eventually come down because it takes too much personal energy to keep a false persona going 24/7. Within a month or a couple months of seeing each other every day as one would in married life, the mask will eventually slip. Not making this up...this is a basic psychology fact of human behavior. If he doesn't have to spend time with you 24/7, do you believe you can get an accurate reading off of him of him having grown up and changed greatly, just from occasional dates? and the keeping in touch via phone and net from the cities he travels to? This is stuff you need to keep in mind. You may have reasons for wanting to give him another chance. But in a years time, especially with no responsibility other than showing up for work, and nothing else he is doing differently, I wouldn't believe it could be any better. What has changed for him, (other than missing you)??? picking up religion? Seeing counselors? reading self help books and sharing with excitement the stuff he's read and tried and is working on and having some success with? If he isn't doing anything to work on changing himself internally, there will be no change and there fore no need to date him to discover that for yourself....but thats' entirely your choice.
Hope this all gives you some food for thought.
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