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Was she teasing me? Why am I so pissed about it?
I'm 19,M. I broke up with my ex about a month ago, after being with her for over a year. I started talking to another friend for a bit. We planned to hang out and whatnot. Movies, park, etc. She was out of state visiting family. We ended up sexting and planning to do a bunch of sexual stuff when she got back. I was really horny (I've never had sex before, or anything else beyond kissing and grabbing) She gets back and says we can't do anything or even hang out because she wants to focus on school and doesn't have the time, and that she's been in love with this other guy for a while. She'll say she can't even hang out for a bit, yet she has time to sit at home and be on netflix for 6 hours. I feel bad cause I kind of made her feel guilty. We still talk but I was looking forward to all the fun she said we were gonna have, even if we were to just hang out at the park. If she was in love with some other guy, why was she making plans with me and sexting me? I really liked her but now I don't want to talk to her. We've been friends for well over a year now, but this was the first time we talked sexual and in such detail. I was working all these weeks sometimes up to 76 hours, looking forward to being with her on my time off, for nothing. Do I have the right to be mad? I know it's her choice and I'm not gonna try to make her change it, but why'd she do that to me? I was already feeling kind of crappy before we were talking anyway. I work midnights, sometimes it's dark and I'm alone, sometimes I'm in the same spot for 16+ hours, I would always think about her, and now being confined in a spot for so long, all you could do is think, and I can't stop thinking about uselessness, death, having no purpose, and giving up my dreams. And now it's like I have no life. A few months ago I was happy, going out with my gf, bike riding, working out, hanging out late with friends, jamming guitar with other people, and now, all I could do is work doubles all week since I have nothing better to do, the little fun I have is at work. But I don't wanna be there for the rest of my life, I want to be successful and actually do things.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Basically you were a rebound -- you can be angry about that but what will that accomplish?
It sucks, but you have to focus your attention back on the things that gave your life meaning before you were sitting around for 16 hours obsessing over a girl.
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I'm going to start at the bottom and go back up. Now remember, I am here only to help you reach for the best in your life and make the best decisions which means something, you need another perspective and realizing the often our problems in life come from negative thinking.
Not trying to be mean or anything.
But can you answer me, (you don't have to really, this is for your own benefit) what you hoped to accomplish...what result you were looking for by telling her you were going to use prostitutes and live at work. Warning...don't lie to yourself...be honest. I say this cus we all lie to ourselves at times. Whats the truth here? I can guess and toss out some answers but only you know.
You wanted her to feel sorry for you? Not good. Do you really want her only cus she feels sorry for you but doesnt love you? That gets old pretty quick and is not satisfying.
You wanted to find a way to punish her? Unless she is in love with you, which she likely isnt because most people are monogamous not polyamorous, what ever you say to her is not going to punish her and hurt her. The only one you end up hurting is yourself. Cutting all your normal activities out of life that were there BEFORE she came along, is not going to affect her. Is she going to miss seeing you at the gym or at jam sessions with your buddies,or whatever else you did before she came into your life. No, it won't affect her.
So, again...I ask what the purpose of your statement was? At your age, your brain isn't fully done growning at least the prefrontal lobe isn't, not til mid 20s onward. This part of the brain is responsible for making good decisions, understanding things better, better perspective, being able to run through a problem and see all possible outcomes, use reasoning, see possible consequences. The exercise I just took you through, asking you about that statement of yours is to show you that due to age and brain maturity not being quite there yet, your statement is not a solid adult reasoning, it is immature...not in a way of dissing you, just a matter of human growth science wise.
So it is a good thing you are reaching out for advice. It is the right thing to do at your age, even though the ultimate decision in the end is still yours.
Now for a reality about dating and relationships:
There is no guarantee that a person can find the right mate for life with the first one or two they date and especially rare at your age. Now i married at age 20 to a christian guy. One would expect it should be a great relationship, right? Nope. We were both young and immature and not knowing ourselves let alone what we wanted and needed in a partner. So I married someone where neither of us felt sexual chemistry together at
all. At to that, he had a mental illness that got worse over the years. That and his frustration over lack of satisfaction due to us being sexually mismatched, he began to verbally abuse me the whole marriage. But thats not the point i'm going for, only that when I was young, we did not really know what we Should be looking for in a partner. After a divorce later in life, after children, I began dating. I found my 2nd husband, but not before learning through mishaps and hurts in life.When you date, you will experience disappointments. You will experience heart ache and broken heart. It's a given. I did. and I was experiencing these things in my forties!
What you are doing is trying to protect your feelings, protect your emotions by putting up a wall to guard from further hurt. It's a move our subconscious mind does to self protect but your conscious mind can override that action with logic. So what kind of logic overrides this wall you built to cut yourself off from all people, all social stuff? Putting up a wall, keeps others out. But that also keeps out any other person who may be the perfect love partner for life because they can't get past the wall you've erected. So for that reason, the wall needs to be dismantled. The wall to protect you from others, will not protect you from yourself. You still have memories of love and of hurt and your negative feelings continue to fester behind your wall. If its not helping you mentally get to a better place, the wall has no purpose, take it down.
This means going back to the few things you know to give you some pleasure, hanging with buddies, working out, bike rides. Try even pursueing some new things you've been curious about.
Now on to opening yourself to a possible new relationship in the future. First, at this age range, the girls are going to be as inexperienced as you at relationships...no long life track record of experiences you've learned from yet. And we are all likely to make mistakes along the way, intentionally and unintentionally due to immaturity or inexperience as I have tried to make very clear to you. Do not let these two problems hold you back from moving on in life. Yes, you have no life now because you are choosing that. There is life without a girlfriend. Life is just way better when you find a love partner to experience life together with. If you can find someone who loves you so much they don't care if it's just doing chores or running errands together, as long as they are with you because life is more enjoyable with you at her side, and for you with her at your side, then you will likely have found your love partner for life. Someone that nobody could pay any amount to get them to leave you, because the money means nothing, it's being totally in love with you. Yes, that is possible, its out there cus I found that guy for me and its' exactly as I just described such a relationship. Neither of us have eyes for anyone else.
Now, in the beginning, we date to discover what we like and don't like in the opposite sex, we are still exploring and trying to figure things out. Some of us discover who and what we are looking for, long before others do. So dating relationships can be short or a person is dating several people at the same time. Flirting and all that goes with is part of spreading our wings and learning what we like. Not trying to explain her actions away. I wont know if any was intentional to hurt you or just a result of her exploring and not knowing enough. It is okay to date a couple people at the same time, though it shouldn't take a year. And if planning to date a few at the same time honesty if needed with each date to know that you have not made a commitment to them, just dating for a while to decide which person is more of what you are looking for.
So you need to know what you are looking for. Of course you'll want a lady whose you are attracted to visually. You will find many that you are attracted to visually but a whole lot less that you are attracted to, feel that sexual draw to and yet enjoy the personality traits and character of, the stuff below surface level of only skin deep beauty. So make your self a list as you date girls, use the experiences to put down what your needs are. A need is a deal breaker, if she isn't this, then you will not consider being with her. The moment you come across something you don't like or cant see living with day in day out for the next 50 years, even if you dont plan to marry for 10 years yet, then she's not right, break up nicely and move on. Make a list of the things you don't like, perhaps insecure girls, annoying qualities to you, and what it looks like in a girl so you can spot those things early when meeting someone so you either avoid getting involved or cut it off as soon as it becomes obvious which is about 2 months into a relationship, the point when both people stop putting their best image forward, a false identity pretty much, and feeling comfortable that they have you hooked, lapse back to their real self. When you date, and find someone that seems to meet all the requirements on your list, you choose to make a commitment to her, this means dating her exclusively.
I hope this all makes sense to you. If you don't really need the money of the double shifts, cut that down and find time for yourself. take time to figure out who you are so you could sell yourself like a salesman to the right girl, lets say in a dating profile. If you had to write a de scription of yourself, what would you say about yourself. This is actually a more important step than you may think. You dont have to go to dating sites but that first paragraph or two of how you describe your attributes and personality are the thing you want to give examples of in conversation with a girl you meet so she can know if you are the kind of guy she is looking for.
If you need help with this part, just ask me.
Otherwise, good luck sir. You are young and you have lots to live for. This is not somethin to be depressed over for life or want to end ones life over. You'll be fine. I know it cus you were intelligent enough to ask for helpful advice on here. Let me know in the future how things go for you and refer to this letter so I remember you.
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