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So I am continuing my situation about my friend...
The advice you gave me about my friend Michelle and her relationship with her father is very true. I always thought about this for a while now and ever since I known her and her family they have a highly religious house. Michelle is the black sheep of the family, she claims she is anti-social and never connects with her big family. Family oriented, they are all close but to her she feels like they don't understand her. That she feels pressured and suffocated and doesn't feel accepted for who she is in her family. The only one that she told me so far that does understand her is her aunt from her mother side of the family.
She has a close connection with her more than her older sister and her parents. Michelle's aunt likes the same things she does, fantasy, dark themed stories and things, books, and fun carefree attitude. Michelle never felt at home with her family she loves them and will obey the rules of the house but she doesn't want to be part of it. Well she acts that way, a "I don't care" attitude.
Her older sister has two young boys and is married to her best friend. Their parents have all of their attention on her sisters family more than Michelle and her life. She constantly complainsabout her parents and how they spoil the boys and let them take over her old bed room (Michelle is now living on her own with a roommate/classmate).
I think she feels suffocated, trapped, and uncomfortable living with them. She just doesn't feel free because they the whole family takes over everything in the house.
This is why she likes to be independent. Michelle wants her own life and her own way or nothing at all. She is asexual and aromantic (not romantically attracted to others). She doesn't want kids or a husband/wife. All she wants is herself and many many animals. She doesn't want to be chained down, she doesn't like being controlled and that's why she likes to feel in controlled. However, she doesn't like to be alone.
Michelle and I knew each other since Jr. High, I met Michelle through a classmate and she was friends with them before me. She and I never acknowledge each other when we first met, we didn't feel connected with each other...yet!
I don't remember how it started but one day during our lunch she was being annoying and very hyper and I was irritated with her so I called her a name (pet name) that is now actually her nickname/petname and she bursted out of laughter and thats when the flirting/teasing/playful games began.
We have a bond that no one will understand but us hints the other question you also replied to that is title "Do you think she was referring this to me?"
Anyways, we have a love/hate dark humor platonic relationship. And she LOVES to tease me aka torture me just for fun. Her famous lines when we play fight with each other is "I want you to suffer!"
Yeah...I know.
And funny and crazy enough I actually fell in love with her after years of attention, flirting, and caring about her for who she is. Michelle had a rough childhood because she went through a liver transplant and she been on meds since day one. She went through pain and sickness like no other. She had a tough teenage life and a dark one at that because she use to be suicidal.
I saw how broken she was and all I ever wanted to do was make her happy. So I gave her my time and TLC everyday and I still do.
I am the closest person she ever got (that i know of) and I feel like she is afraid of losing me.
So anyways I am the strong one in my group of friends. The one with the advice, level headed, brave, loyal, and caring best friend. Every one in my group goes to me, so I really am the leader of the pack. Lol
Michelle is attracted to that because she fellows me than her other friends. I mean not in a lost puppy kind of way but as in a she knows who to go to kind of thing.
Well even though she is close to me she still wants her solo life and isn't interested in me in a romantic way so I don't know what to think of why she is jealous or want to keep me close and flirt etc etc. its hard when someone you deeply love wants you but you want them more than they want you.
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Sounds like you may have a mission as a soul to be 'in service' in this lifetime. That would mean that you will find people throughout your life that need your help as Michelle does. A Pastor is in service, a counselor, a caregiver, etc.... someone that another person is counting on to make it through daily life.
Michelle seems to need to keep you within reach and does it well. Her need could be because any time she's feelings stress or some kind of crisis, she remembers how you gave her time and TLC in the past and subconsciously though she may not be aware, she fears losing her 'support system' one day if you were to move on, get married(male or female) and then raising kids (your own or adopted) as your main priority.
She senses that things would change, you wouldn't be available on call, right at the moment of her own crisis when one of your kids has the croup and your taking her to emergency that evening. Your kids and mate will come first even if she still has a pretty high priority in your life.
I can't say whether the thought scares her or not, but I am guessing there is some level of insecurity there.
I am not suggesting you to cut her off from your life, but as long as you are in it, she is not going to learn to stand on her own two feet and learn new ways of her own to be strong enough to handle whatever comes up in her life, like other adults have to do. It's what is called Enabling another person to remain stuck.
There's nothing wrong with having people in your life to use as sounding boards to bounce your ideas off of, get different perspectives, gather advice and then make the decision on your own. That is what we all learn to do after leaving the nest. If she is still living at home...that probably adds to her problems and frustrations.
I am sorry to hear about her rough past growing up. She may not feel strong enough herself to make it through the course of life without help at her side to her dying day, but there was a reason God allowed her to be born into a family where their religious and sexual beliefs, to start with, differ from her own. I felt weak at one point in my life but the day came when God told me I was stronger than I thought and ready to stand on my own two feet and make my own path. I am betting that God knows that there's an inner hidden strength in her, just waiting to come to the surface. Even if she seems strong to you, I am talking about something much more astounding.
But before that can happen, she likely needs healing from rejection, shunning, humiliation and such, whether it actually happened or she just felt it in her own mind. Although there could be another reason for her jealousy and wanting to keep you near by...this scenerio makes the most sense and from what I've seen in my life of human nature is the most logical one.
I find it interesting that she would say things like 'I want you to suffer' meant in play but can't help but wonder if its coming from deep within, wishing you also knew what it has felt like for her to suffer, to really have lived in her shoes, so to speak.
It sounds like she may have interest in things that seem dark or of controversial or opposite belief to Christians. The born again Christian and the Amish type of beliefs are the strongest about family values, a close knit family but also that you are expected to follow the church beliefs as the only way to live, really implying that one does not have a choice at all to make their own decisions that differ from the either blindly accepted rules and doctrines or the taught from childhood belief system. Religious groups like this are not likely to be open minded, I used attend the 'born again' type churches. I am still a Spiritual person who still has a relationship with my creator, but there is the freedom in my path to seek to define who I am, my personality further with all the things in life there are to explore. Each step of the way, I have asked God's guidance if God didn't mind me getting into "Harry Potter" for example...the church forbid that, reading about the similarities of Christianity vs Paganism (any study of any other belief was forbidden-why? Did they think in comparison we'd see that Christianity wasn't without it's spots and wrinkles and doctrines for which there was no explanation, just blind faith required. If I wanted to dress more Gothic style or what was considered showing too much skin even If I believed my dress to be modest...and the list goes on. In looking back now that I walk my own path, I see there was more oppression, depression and suppression in the Christian church members than i ever found among the so called pagan beliefs. I have since come to understand and support choice of sexual orientation or being born that way whereas the church does not.
Michelle is not going to be truly happy until she can pursue or explore the things she truly wants to do and not feel like she had to make excuse or apologys to people who dont believe the same as her, including family. If not yet 18, it's tough because the parents are doing what they do in raising her not to be mean per se, but because they love her so much and truly believe their beliefs that this one life is the only one she's gonna have to get it right or else she'll go to Hell. that belief system has messed up more lives than it has helped. It may seem a good many believe but I have found the majority just wanting somewhere they feel that close knit family feel of the family of God and yet they don't believe alot of what is being taught and are told not to question it, so they go on in fear 'pretending' to believe, leading a double life and that can tear up a person in side. Once she is 18 or if she already is, it's a good time to thank the parents for their training and upbringing but be firm and explain tell them: I'm no longer going to pretend to be something I'm not, just to please you. I love you but the path in life I've chosen is .....and you may not agree. Once you are over your grieving and shock and ready to have me in your life again, just come knocking cus my door will always be open."
She can pretend to be happy on the outside but it won't go beyond skin deep if she doesn't find herself a group of people and associate and hang out with them who are more of her beliefs and outlooks on life. Widening her support system is another good way to go. She can find support groups on line for any type of sexual orientation, asexual's too, others just like her. Tho they wont be the type of friend as you've been, she can connect and find understanding from others in the same boat. Same thing goes for what ever belief system spiritually she leans towards.
Perhaps in time once you're in relationship with a love partner because everyone seeks that love relationship, you may be able to see Michelle without feeling so devastated for not being able to pursue that part with her.
Hope this all helps a bit more. If you want to share any of the ideas I've written in your own words with Michelle, please so.
Blessings!
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