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Why am I still in love with her?
I thought I was free and away from my heart ache that I've been dealing for 13 years. Until that one night I woke up from a nightmare which spoke to me that I haven't completely gotten over her.
I asked myself "Why did I have this dream? I thought I had already gotten over this?"
The nightmare was telling me:
"You need to deal with your emotions in order to move forward in your life. You need to find some sort of a resolution. Alternatively, it represents completion, a fresh start and new transition."
I wasn't happy with what I read, I kept denying it and saying to myself "Why do I still feel this way when I am not in love with Michelle anymore?" I even told her over the phone in April that I am no longer in love with her. Just so I can be brave enough to hear it from my own words. Unfortunately, I was lying to myself...
I just can't take it anymore that I now put my guard down and give up...its like I am defeated by something so strong I would never over come this.
3 months ago Michelle and I haven't seen each other since the conversation I had with her in April. We were too busy with our own lives to keep in touch and hang out like we use to many summers ago. I was upset that she never try to make time for my birthday or any other days when I invited her over. I knew life was going to get in between us so I was half sad and glad that I didn't see her as much. I am trying to move on with my feelings for her and she is aware of it. I started to hang out with new friends, family, close friends, hobbies and even try out online dating. I had a set schedule everyday just to keep myself away and busy.
That schedule eventually broke after Michelle and I got back from our vacation we planed together last year. Spending those 5 days with her alone open my eyes that our friendship haven't changed, we still continue our normal playful fighting a bond we shared ever since we knew each other. The playful fighting is what got us closer to each other. We never hesitated about our flirting if I should call it that. Its so natural to us that we never stopped or question it its like we don't want to break that bond between us.
Michelle was the one who continues it, she may not be aware of her actions so she goes forth with it without acknowledging on what we are doing. We like to banter with each other over the most silliest things. We would call each other cute names or possibly worse names and it always ends with her laughing after she gets a annoyed reaction from me.
Most of the time we will play fight with each other but I end up backing out the most of the time because I am to shy to go any further. I also noticed that she'll find excuses to touch me. On the shoulder, arm, hand; putting her arm around me, comparing hands, and slapping each other. Or even grabbing my hand will tight until I cry out for mercy and she'll smile in a pleasing kind of way.
Michelle will always try to grab my attention if I am in a conversation with somebody else. She would laugh out loud or giggle while covering her face and looking at me when I make a stupid joke or say something funny. She loves to be in control with me when it comes to playing around or deciding something together. Like if she has a plan she will stick to it and wants me to follow, if I think other wise she'll let me go and do it on my own but she'll be unhappy with me by giving me a "I don't care" attitude that is easily read that she is too stubborn to face the fact that she does care.
Knowing this about her I understand her now than before, we are 27 years old and knowing her family since high school I can see were she gets this from. Her father, that she constantly bump heads with because he takes control of her life as well.
Before our trip Michelle and I had a argument, I was upset with her when we were deciding to live together that it all went down hill when she wasn't being up front with me about her thoughts of me bringing in another friend to be our 3rd roommate. Michelle never said this but I know she just wanted it to be the two of us however I knew I couldn't handle it with her and I because of my feelings for her.
I was trying to be a adult about this tried to look beyond my feelings for her and just be two friends moving in together with another new friend. That totally back fired when I question her about her real thoughts on the situation. Michelle was being stubborn and being difficult as to why she wouldn't explain herself. Well it finally came to me that she didn't care for my new friend and she didn't feel comfortable living with her. I said to Michelle that she was acting jealous, her response was "I'm not so much jealous I just don't know her".
Of course that is perfectly fine that she didn't like my friend but lying to me that she was fine with it and she wasn't bothered by it it pissed me off. I told her "I don't want to live with you if you are not going to be honest with me. I asked you if you were alright with it, making sure it wasn't going to bother you but you lied to me. I knew you were uncomfortable with it, I saw right through you and I was upset that you my best friend couldn't tell me your thoughts. I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do. We were in this together and you are now making it more harder for me to move on with my feelings for you. What if I started dating and bring over a girl would you be okay with that? How would I know if you wont speak to me and keep things from me because you were afraid you would upset me? I would like you to be open with me if anything is bothering you. Thats all I want from you, this is a emotional subject for me that I just can't take it anymore. When you asked me to live with you it was literally after I told you that I was still struggling with my homosexuality to my parents and my feelings for you. I just wanted a friend to talk to I wasn't expecting anything from you, I know you only see me as a friend and thats all I wanted but when you asked me that day what was I supposed to think?" I stated to cry over the phone and she was silent, I continued "Remember when I asked you if you were okay living with me? Your responds was "It's not like you are going to jump me, if you do I would punch you" that hurt me, why would you ever think I would do that to you? That isn't like me, I am not touchy feely like you! I respect you and your space I would never do that to you! Its not like me to do that!" Again silence, I wanted to continue but I couldn't stop crying. It hurt so much that I can never have a adult conversation with her about this. It is always a one way thing like I am talking to a wall. She didn't know what to say she couldn't get the words out. As much as it pain me that she couldn't explain herself and all she said was a small sorry I just took a deep breath and kept myself from continuing. Because I knew I was wasting my time with her. Through the years of this non stop cat and mouse game we have together no matter what I do or say it will never change.
So just last week on our vacation open my eyes that she still continued her bad habits with me. I know for a fact that she doesn't do this flirting with anyone else but me. My sister who knows about my struggle with Michelle sees that she is a flirt who is very oblivious to her own actions. My sister told me: "just keep to yourself and ignore her. Don't let it get to you because I don't want you to get hurt again. Michelle isn't acknowledging your feelings she is being a selfish bitch! Don't let her get to you."
My sister was right, that I need to ignore Michelle's actions and move on. That she will never realize what she is doing that I am just wasting my time.
After our trip, I saw Michelle's apartment for the first time that she just got with her classmate, I felt a little sad that it didn't work out between us. And what made it even more harder for me was seeing her dog that I found for her. He was so happy to see me! The last time I saw him it was 6 months ago, he was so happy to see me that he couldn't stop giving me kisses. Michelle showed me around her apartment and also vented that her apartment has been taking over by her roommate. Half of Michelle's space that she thought it was hers was taking over by her roommate without asking. I mean the whole visit was all about how her roommate has unnecessary furniture and things that bothered her already. It hasn't been a month yet and she is already bothered by her roommate's decisions. I think its because she can't take control over her like how Michelle is to me.
The rest of the visit was more of us poking fun with each other and me making her laugh and listening to our other friend who was there too talk about her ex. When we left the apartment and said our goodbyes I started to think about the what if's I was her roommate. Would I be happy living with her? Would I be free from my feelings or will I be holding myself back and wishing that someday she will see me more than just a friend? As much as I wanted to be with her as just close friends owning a apartment together I knew I couldn't do it. I knew I would be stuck in a imaginative world making me believe we are a couple.
My love for her is so strong that I would give up everything just to be with her. It isn't a healthy relationship and I need to see that. I need to think of me and love myself. I need to move on.
Her asexuality doesn't bother me, I respect her. I never wanted to force a relationship on her. When I found out my love for her I just wanted to tell her and move on. I was too afraid to jeopardize our friendship if it ever became something more. I love her for who she is and all I ever want is her to be happy.
I am not a selfish person, I keep trying to make others happy but myself. I tend to avoid myself, I put myself in these situations that I forget that the only way to love someone is to love yourself first. But how can you do that? How can you love yourself? I never know how to do it they make it sound so easy which it isn't...
And why haven't I moved on from my love for her? Is it because her somewhat flirting makes me think that there will be some hope of a asexual romance between us? Or is it that I am lonely and that I haven't had any luck finding a girlfriend?
For the record I never had a relationship before. Sure I dated some guys in high school but it was nothing but dating nothing more. She had one date in high school though she dated him out of pity and broke up when he was too touchy feely. Michelle is my first love I haven't meet anyone like her no one that will erase my love for her. I guess I will be forever in a unrequited love...
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Could it be that your two minds are at war with each other? Your subconscious and your conscious minds? I find in your letter that your conscious mind/the awake mind has already figured out what some key problems or concerns are. You need no help there. Your subconscious mind is where the emotions and feelings are stored. Your subconscious mind doesnt want to follow along with the fact that you are broke up from what I could pick out, mostly due to the fact that she is a controller. I think your subconscious mind is what has you still visiting with and seeing her (as a friend) after splitting up. All you end up doing is torturing yourself. It's like the kid whose out of work dad doesnt have the money to get that special toy the child wants sooo bad for christmas. But the kid finds every opportunity to go visit the department store toy aisle to play with it or at least look at it even though he/she already knows that they will never be able to get it. That's torturing oneself and what it sounds to me like you are doing unless I missed something in what you wrote. It was long and some of the thoughts were'nt clear. When I first started reading, I thought that this was a girl that left you 13 yrs ago and that you are a male and still mourning the loss of her. As I read on, I became more confused. Now I am thinking that perhaps you may be a female. And flirting is mentioned but from what you have written I can't be totally sure that it wasn't a sexual relationship as well. If you are female, you may be gay or bi sexual. If you are male, you could be bi sexual, but not gay. No matter what sex, you made be hetero sexual in your makeup but desire and need to emotional relationship with someone of the same sex, nothing more. i am not sure how to advise you further.
The one and only thing I can tell you is that for a relationship to be healthy and long lasting, it needs two people who are on equal ground, both working side by side, not one taking a superior position to the other, telling the mate what to do and vetoing everything the partner suggests. There need to be a middle ground and both partners putting in equal work and effort to make the relationship work. This was not happening for you. So as far as I am concerned, it was an unhealthy relationship.
The only two ways you can gain control of the situation is to 1:severely limit the amounts of time you continue to see her or cut that out altogether...or you can go on life long and still be mourning for her when you are old and grey and have had a miserable life because you torture yourself with what you can't have and also shouldn't have.
2: Become aware of every thought that comes to your conscious mind, cus its being sent by your sub conscious mind. Any time it's a thought of her, tell yourself(your sub-conscious mind really) aloud, "No! I am not going to dwell on her. She is not the best choice for a healthy relationship, in fact there are too many serious flaws that she is not a good choice at all. You can keep sending these memories, thoughts and desires for her to my conscious mind, but I am going to reject them. I am going to mark them like a piece of mail "Return to sender". It will be a pain in the butt because thoughts of her will come up every few seconds, minutes, every hour, several times a day, once a day, and keep dwindling as you be firm about it with your subconscious. Again, it won't be easy...but I see nothing else that will help you.
Once you are healed from the situation and can honestly be glad that you are no longer seeing this person or in a relationship, only then can you go over the good memories every once in a while without them hurting you or opening wounds. I know it's possible. I have an ex who verbally abused me for 30 years. I can think back on the few good memories sprinkled in between all the bad and smile as I recall. I don't dwell on the bad ones and it doesn't hurt me or anger me.
If there's anything I can better help you with, please concisely write of one concern at a time. Once we've gone over the one issue, then write the next email. Thanks
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