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Insecurities kicking up
Good morning or good afternoon guys! I need help. I'm f23 and my bf is 24. We have been going out for quite a whole now. I love him but my insecurities are kicking up. There's this girl who likes him and they talk quite a lot. They have better conversations than me and him do and they talk for hours o the phone. I know all that cuz I've looked at his phone. He tells me he doesn't like her but somehow I feel like I'll loose him soon. Now this girl is was smarter and thicker than me and trust me that's a fact. I feel like I need to get out of the relationship so I can work on my insecurities. I've talked to him about it but he just says she's a friend but how is she just a friend when they have better conversations and talk for ours than me and him do. I need advice on what to do. Thanks in advance
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One of the things you need to have a good relationship is to have the person that is right for you, fits you and your personality best, so when you say that someone else has better conversations, I am not going to assume what that meant but will share this instead.
After a divorce, I began dating again and this is of course at a much older age than you but still rings true. I met some guys with whom from the first moment conversation just flowed. And others where the conversation died too often and we couldnt think of anything to say or trying to get him to talk was like trying to pull teeth. I find that rather than conversation being better, its a matter of whether conversation exists and flows easily, or is stunted and dies. It either exists or it doesnt. If it doesn't, there is a chance that the two people do not have enough chemistry and things in common together. thats what I personally found to be the culprit.
So you need to be honest with yourself as to whether that is the issue for your relationship or not. Apparently he must like you for some particular reason even if conversing is not where you think it should be.
Some guys do have female friends and that is all they are, just female friends.
The only way you can develop trust in him which is right now lacking due to insecurities being present, is to have enough time and situations invested in the relationship to have experienced many different sort of things that in the living through them, you develop a sense of who he really is, not just who he says he is...
and this can be evidenced by how consistant he is in his moral character and makeup, sticking to his beliefs, his treatment of women, his ideas, and so on. If he had never done anything contrary to what he has said or promised, then there is no reason to mistrust him. So it comes down to either you are going to feel insecure no matter who the guy is because the problem is inside you. It may take a counselor to help you discover what it is. Or the problem may be the that "quite a while" period you've been together has not been enough time to build trust. A few months of dating is hardly enough time. Even a year is not enough time if the couple only see each other for short dates once a week. ...and the dates are going to a movie or something like that where there is little interacting. What you need to know is what he is like, his character 24/7 and unless you are spending lots of time hanging out able to see what he is like when sad, when sick, when stressed, etc...you won't really know him yet.
You did not say whether you are shy, quiet or have social insecurities. Someone like that may have trouble doing conversations. If that is you, perhaps he is being kind in not pushing you to be something you are not and if he is a very chatty person, just directs it in another direction.
There's that saying that opposites attract. Perhaps thats what you have hear. Instead of focusing on what things you don't match up on, focus on what you do have in common and slowly try out the things each other has or does that differs from you. Thats part of where the fun and excitement comes from, broadening your circle of experience by trying new things with a partner.
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Hello. Thanks for your question. Hve you ever thought about if you do break up with him, how do you plan on working on your insecurities? The only way to work on those things is by working through them. You are still young and though you think you are in love you should use this relationship to work on those insecurities. You can also try breaking up the repetitiveness in your relationship and do something spontanious. You should quit thinking about whether you will lose him soon and start thinking about what you both can do to keep the fun and happiness going in your relationship. Focusing on the negative aspect will only damage your relationship. You have to trust him. At the same time trust your instincts. You must trust each other. If you choose not to trust him then you will be writing the ending the ending to all other relationships.
Let's say he was cheating on you. And you trusted him. Please do not let that stop you from trusting future partners.
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