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Just need some advice about moving on
Hey guys. By just the subject, you already know what this is about. And I know there are a lot of stuff I can find on the internet, but I personally want to ask here because I was once helped by people here regarding this relationship.
I got back with him, but then I felt like it was a bad decision. We've had great times, but this last situation really pit a dent in our relationship. Well, he wasn't all patient with me being cautious with other girls around him, so he just maybe snapped and decided to "be done" with me. I made a letter for him because I've been thinking of breaking up with him sooner because I don't want to hurt him even more and that it's what my heart and my brain says. The tone of the letter was supposed to be about a good break up, but since he's probably annoyed with all my jealousy stuff (but it's actually being worried he might replace me, not exactly jealousy), it'll be different. But I still asked him to read it, so he knows what my feelings are.
But, what I'm getting at is, what do I do now? How do I move on? I mean, you guys might say "he's just from the internet, you'll get over him easily." I'm afraid not. Because I really loved him even if we have never met. I've had relationships before, but he's different and I don't know what to do now, how to move on, or even where to start. I hope you guys can help me.
I'm a 21-year old girl, btw.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
First of all I believe most things lost need to mourned for a bit. A lost loved certainly fits the need, even if it was just an internet relationship. In this case I think a good pity party is in order. My wife tells me a good pity party is a quart of chocolate ice cream, a teary love story to play on the DVD and a comfortable nightgown to curl up in while watching the movie. After the pity party you get back in the game and go out and meet people.
There are a number of different ways to meet people when you have finished mourning. I don't normally suggest the bar scene as that is mostly a booty call, rarely do significant relationships come out of any meetings at a bar.
What I like to recommend is the following as it leads to conversations. Communication is the basis of any good lasting relationship. To have a conversation there must be something in common to share. By following my suggestion in how to find people to meet you will have that commonality needed for good conversation.
Sit down with pen and paper; make a list of those things you like to do that bring you pleasure. It could be reading, biking, fixing your car, baking, cooking whatever you do for relaxation. Then number these things in order of importance to you. Take the top 5 items and look through your community and daily news paper and on the Internet for clubs and activities for these 5 items. Then go visit the clubs or join in the activities.
Maybe you like to act. I don't know of any community that does not have a community playhouse. Maybe you're an artist that same playhouse always need set designers. Maybe you just like the theater. There are a 101 jobs that need to be done to put on a play. There should be one you can fill.
Be it a book club, the theater production, hiking, nature walks they all have one thing in common that being a common interest that you can walk up to someone, male or female and talk to about. That is how you start to make new friends and love interest in the adult world. In school it was easier and automatic as school and classes were the common interest.
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Just to clarify things, jealousy is like an indicator light on a cars dashboard saying something is wrong and needs help. So jealousy isn't something to feel terrible for feeling. But once felt, you must go introspective and be honest with yourself, no lying to yourself allowed or you won't go successfully through the process of taking care of the original issues inside you that caused it. Lots of times, it has to do with correcting the way we are thinking by understanding better what dating is about and what it's not etc...
You stated (but it's actually being worried he might replace me, not exactly jealousy)
I can understand if there isn't a particular girl with a face and name that you are jealous of, but that doesnt mean you are not feeling jealous of the woman he and you don't know that may end up meeting him and causing him to choose them over you. Jealous is a fear of loss. You are fearing losing him. I am not saying that however you behave when with him is totally inappropriate cus I really don't know. You sound pretty mature in understanding you may not be perfect at times and that is a good place to start from. I also dont know the guy. He may not understand females at all and the differences of females from males may be something that just irritates him and causes him to withdraw. I understand having worry when I don't hear from someone. And since he says this is the Real issue, lets look at that.
I know that not all guys are alike. You may see many using iphones, but the truth is, for real communication, most guys don't like texting or reading facebook messages. Phone calls are better cus it doesnt involve typing and lots of guys don't even like typing, have no patience to sit and type. I know this for a fact from personal experience with many many men. I was using a dating site which helped me find my 2nd husband. But I got so many messages in my inbox. We're talking older guys now who should know better but still haven't a clue.
Nine out of ten would barely say anything, just a one liner like, "Hi, how are you doing?" or "You're really hot looking, did you know that?" I was like, Oh comeon, how am I supposed to find interest in someone who can't converse with me and share anything of real value with me so I get to know you better. My husbands 1st and only message to me was 2 pages long. He was polite, intelligent and at the end said If I am not interested in the slightest, I need not do anything. If he doesnt hear from me, he back away and become as if he never was.
Guys don't always understand females. Some are too quick to blame the female when it is communication problems on both sides, Its never a one sided thing...cus as I said, if a guy won't even talk, (one just shrugged and nodded and hardly said a word face to face!) then I wouldnt take the time of day to even consider meeting up and dating to find out more about him.
In person, the guys who are seriously trying to understand and interact in conversation with females, use face to face talk for the added help of hearing her tone of voice, watching her facial expressions and body language and picking up the vibes. It helps them to understand better or at least to venture intelligent questions and not make any assumptions. My guess is there's a chance your guy is not willing to put in the effort that some guys do to communicate and not even giving a thought to being considerate of your feelings, your worry or concern. Not hearing anything will drive anyone crazy.
If he's in such a hurry to end things, he probably never cared as deeply about you as you did him. For relationships to work, things should be fairly equal in how attracted both are, how committed both are, how much emotional attachment there is, and both need to put the same maximum effort into making it work. If it can't work in dating, it wont work magically either in marriage.
My guess is that you ran into a guy who on the outside had some things that initially attracted you. Then next step after attraction is to hang together lots, date to discover more about each other to determine if he and her can become each others best friend. If your bestest girl friends wouldn't treat you a certain way, don't hang around to accept it from a guy. It's even more important to treat each other well and get along like best of friends but with the romance and love and sexual attraction and desire to please each other. When you can find all that, you will have found the right guy for you.
Its hard to walk away when your heart made emotional connections to him. The heart eventually heals. Your conscious mind may realize this breakup is for the best. But the subconscious mind where all our emotions are stored and arise from, doesn't forget so easily or let go just because of logic. And so you will still dream at night of him, think of him, the good times and the feelings will still be strong. Give it time, and eventually your subconscious mind will catch up with the situation and be ready to love and trust again.
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