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Is marriage the next step?
I have been with my boyfriend for close to 3 years now. When we first got together we both heavily discussed not wanting to get married. He has a child from a previous relationship (they never married) she is 4 now and I think of her as my own daughter. With a child involved being serious or not being together are really the only 2 outcomes of a relationship. Well we moved in together after 1 year and we are very happy. I love him and we are still sexually active and emotionally involved, we don't fight very often and his little girl just puts the bow on top of it all. Well, recently we decided with his former girlfriend that it would be best to get custody legally set. During the meeting he kept referring to me as his fiancé. Not sure if he did it because it sounds good legally or what. lately we have discussed buying a home after the lease goes up on our apartment. He said he is ready to sign a mortgage with me, we talk about building a green house and how we would paint his daughter's room. It seems so serious and I feel like at least for me how I felt 3 years ago when we first started dating has changed and I am starting to think he is the one. I am nervous to bring it up to him though, what if he still does feel that way? I don't want to feel the sting of being rejected by the man I have built a life with. I'm not sure how to bring it up without sounding like i am asking. How should I approach him? What should I say?
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Dragonflymagic is right. You should never enter into agreements like a mortgage with someone without the benefit of marriage. This is because if the two of you split up and you're married, divorce court can settle everything. If the two of you split up and you're not married, you can't go to divorce court and things can get very complicated. People like to think of marriage as a big huge scary commitment and it is on one side. On the other side, though, it gives you legal rights and protections that you are really going to want to have unless you keep all of your finances completely separate and never have children. I think it would be perfectly reasonable to bring this up since he called you his fiancé. There's your easy opening. Because he did this you can bring it up in sort of a joking way. Ask him if he called you that because it sounded better than girlfriend or did you swallow the ring last week when you went out to eat and he was too embarrassed to tell you? Clearly that didn't happen, but telling a joke is a way to break the ice. You MUST discuss the ramifications of purchasing or building a home together without being married. It's not like you have to have an extravagant wedding. You can go to the courthouse and make it official. No matter what he says to you DO NOT sign a mortgage with him if you're not married. It can turn into a complete nightmare and all you need to do to protect both of you is get a piece of paper saying you're married. It doesn't have to change your relationship or anything. Since he seems to be very serious about getting a house, you need to get serious about this. It's going to be hard to bring it up, but the conversation needs to happen before you get swept into a situation that turns out badly and all you had to do from the start was just say something. Do not just go along with the flow because it's the easier thing to do than opening your mouth and asking him where he wants your relationship to go. If you can't talk to him, you shouldn't be with him. Force yourself to bring it up and you'll know what to say. The words will come. The hardest part is finding the courage to start the conversation. Once it's over, you'll be kicking yourself for how easy it was and wondering why you were so afraid of just talking. Seriously though, do not enter into a mortgage with him unless you're married. Stand firm on that. Don't pressure him into getting married if he doesn't want to, but don't put yourself in a vulnerable position. It's not like you have to be married to get a house. You just have to be married if both of you are on the mortgage. One person's name could be on the mortgage and you could come up with an arrangement that you can agree with if you split. As long as you put everything in writing and sign it, you should be okay. Be very careful not to say anything that will make it seem like you are pressuring him into getting married and you'll be fine. Say something like this toward the beginning of the conversation: "I am not and would never pressure you into getting married because that's not me. I just want to talk about our relationship and where it's going since we're beginning to talk about making serious financial commitments. I want to make sure that both of us are protected no matter what happens. If we get a mortgage together and then split up, it would be a disaster. If we get married first, we'd actually be much more protected from harm. Such a big financial commitment could cause big legal problems for us and I don't want either of us to get hurt. Getting married would protect us from more harm than staying unmarried would if we were serious enough to get a mortgage together. That's what legal marriage is for. To protect people. Why wouldn't we want that protection? We can still get a house and both of us can contribute, but I wouldn't be comfortable with both of our names on the mortgage unless we were married. It probably sounds like I'm pressuring you into getting married, but I promise I'm not. I just don't want to make any mistakes." Good luck!
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My impression is that he called you his fiancee when filing for custody because a soon to be wife sounds better than girlfriend to the courts.
However, as to know whether thats why he really said it, its better to ask him.
Getting a mortgage together is another big commitment like marriage. One doesn't enter into a contract with someone who isn't legally a spouse, who might leave them and their partner in the lurch with the mortgage payments, unable to pay and having to sell. If he can do this, there must be some kind of long term commitment towards you already in place.
One thing you need to realize is that some couples get the legal certificate signifying they are a couple and others become domestic partners, make as solid a commitment as some who get married, and plan to live together for the rest of their lives because they love each other but don;t care about the legal paper work.
There are benefits to applying and filing for a domestic partnership with the state but not all states do this. Here is a little about DP's and a list of what states do recognize legal Domestic partnerships.
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If the two of you agree to continue your relationship as a married couple without the marriage because he doesnt want a marriage ceremony, then you need to know if he wants to have children with you besides his one from before. If so, then you will need to have either a marriage license or a legally filed domestic partnership to have legal rights over the children in case of a separation or death. And both will cover you. Heres a listing of that and other benefits to a DP. Check if he's okay with that if your state is one that recognizes them.
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It usually doesn't take two people 3 years or so to figure out if you've found the right person for you, one you could spend the rest of your life with. I am wondering about the actual relationship and how much time you've actually had together to discover this fact and also built a level of trust, enough to get a house together. It may be 3 years but the amount of time spent getting to know each other during the 3 yrs was not enough to build a deep love and caring and want to be with the other always.
There is no way to bring up anything in conversation without speaking and asking. You can try mime or use sign language if both of you know it. But there is no other way than just speaking up, putting it into words and starting the conversation. Just make sure its not a time when he has something else on his mind. Just ask him if its a good time to have a convo about some things that are important to you to discuss. Even if you can't file for a DP in your state, the two of you having a long relationship already, should have set up the groundwork for your relationship at the time you entered into it. If not, its high time to do so now, setting a list of expectations you both have and agree upon for the relationship. (whether you get married or have a DP is appropriate as one of the things covered here.) You both set boundaries of what is okay for both and what each of you will not accept in the relationship and both must agree to it. This would cover, passing things by you for your approval too before making decisions on the behalf of both of you, what kind of contact with the opposite sex you both are comfortable with your partner doing, etc... Ground rules and boundaries are important in a relationship. Think of a business partnership where non of that is spelled out....its a recipe for disaster and all sorts of legal trouble. There is nothing wrong with asking in my mind and I don't think you should feel there is. I find it extremely naive and actually pretty risky to attempt to skate through a long term relationship without having good talks like this and daily in depth conversation, not the surface level, "how was your day?" "Fine" "Did you call to wish your mom Happy Birthday?" "Yes, I did. Did you make the cupcakes for my daughters school bake sale?" Thats all surface level stuff. Important in its own rights to bring up but its nothing solid and indepth that will help the two of you navigate this relationship as smooth as possible.
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