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He admitted he thought of me as a fling.
21/f, 27/m
This is slightly long, brace yourself.
I have been dating this guy for three months now. I hated the fact that I didn't know what to say when my friends asked me if we were together. I knew we were to talk about it at some point so I decided to bring up whether or not we were exclusive. We had this talk before but we didn't conclude to anything.
I've noticed that we used to go out and stuff together and now for some reason we end up in the bedroom. I realized that he stopped saying that he liked me and he wasn't as affectionate as he was before. He started talking to me more but I wasn't sure what to read into it.
This time I asked whether or not if he wanted to be exclusive with me. And he asked the question right back. I told him I knew what I wanted and I wanted that I wanted to know what we were. He asked what made me ask him his question, I responded that it was in the back of my mind for awhile. He said if I wanted to be exclusive, then he's on board. Which was contradicting because he then told me that I was not in the right state to be in a relationship with him right now. I got a little frustrated and asked him if he was talking about himself because he can't tell me what state I'm in. He said he may be projecting his feelings but he doesn't think that there's anything restraining himself from being in a relationship. I told him that I think he needs to figure out what he wanted because I was with someone for who didn't know what he wanted and it turns out that he was an imbecile and I wasn't going to wait another two years for him to figure out what he wanted. He then told me he didn't think that we should be in a full-blown relationship right now.
I told him that I wasn't trying to force a relationship and that I just wanted to know whether or not if I was wasting my time. He asked me, "what do you consider wasting your time?" ... I didn't know how to answer that. I thought it was obvious especially with what we were talking about.
Eventually, he got mad because he said that I was expecting him to know what I was thinking and told me to grow up and to talk to him when I was willing to communicate. I got angry and I felt done with that conversation because he said that. I wanted to know what we were and to clarify things and in the end I felt insulted so I told him, "bye". He then sent me a long message saying that he was trying to communicate with me and he doesn't know what I want and that I was being complicated.
I told him that I wasn't being a child and I wasn't being complicated. I was trying to be as straight forward as I can and for some reason I end up being questioned back. I told him,
"I asked you if you wanted to be exclusive with me. You asked me the question right back. Then you say that I'm not in the right state to be in a relationship with you. Then you change the subject just because I didn't get to answer your previous messages. I asked if I was wasting my time with you, you then asked me to tell you my definition of "wasting time" means. It'd be easier if I could get an answer on something. We're going in circles. I've served myself on a silver platter but it seems like you refuse to see what's in front of you. That's why it doesn't seem like you know what you want. I'm not forcing anything. I wanted to know what we were and if I was wasting my time."
He responded, "I hope I've made it clear that I don't believe it's a good idea for us at the moment. We're not in a relationship. I consider this more of a fling right now. I've enjoyed your company. You're planning on moving away soon (I'm moving only a few minutes away). Is it a waste of time? I like you. I don't feel the same kind of connection with you that I did with my previous girlfriends. Again, is it a waste of time?"
I said, "I'm starting to think it is now. I want a relationship later but you see me as a fling and the fact that you don't seem to have a connection with me either, doesn't sound too good."
He responded, "it isn't the same kind. I didn't say it was bad. I want a relationship, too, when the circumstances and chemistry are right for it. I don't think they are for us right now, and it seems that you'll be moving away soon, so it's hard to bet on the circumstances being right in the future. all that said, I'm happy with what we have now. I appreciate you and don't consider you a waste of my time."
I didn't know what to say to that, so I told him. He just responded with "okay." He messaged me later on at night asking if I was okay. I decided not to answer because I felt like he should be well aware that I was not doing well.
I'm honestly a little bit disappointed and upset. There were so many questions I have. I find it silghtly fishy as if there's something else there but I'm not sure.
My questions:
1) What do you think I should do at this point? Wait it out? Or drop him?
2) What does he mean by "connection with me is not like his previous girlfriends"? Is he indirectly telling me that I'm not girlfriend material?
3) I would like it very much if he was straight forward with me, if there's any hidden messages or interpretations you may think of, please let me know.
Thank you.
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As for question #1 :Please tell me you are kidding!
Question #2 Hell no, he isn't telling you INDIRECTLY! For the love of God girl he WAS straight forward with you! Does he need to hit you in the face with a skillet? Question #3 :Hell no, there is no HIDDEN messages. He gave you the message loud and clear, you just don't seem to be able to comprehend it for some reason! Pick up your self esteem and go,far,far away! Please understand I don't mean to appear rude to you, but honey you are just not getting it! You honestly risk embarrassing yourself in this situation!Don't you think you deserve a guy who has some respect for you? Please consider seeing a counselor, I believe you have some serious self esteem issues and you will continue to end up with guys like this if you don't address them now. You seem like a very nice person and it is shame for you to get walked on like this. I know you would see things in a totally different light if you felt better about yourself. Best of luck to you!
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You need to handle your shit. Seriously. Your behaviour is AT LEAST as big a part of this problem as his was.
He asked you if you wanted to be exclusive.
You said you knew the answer to that question, but weren't going to tell him. That is withholding. It was a fair question and you had the answer. Not telling him was mean and part of game-playing with him.
He said sure, let's try and be exclusive.
You said, basically, that that wasn't good enough. You threw previous comments back in his face, and accused him of not meaning what he said. It was disrespectful not to believe what he says, and attack him when he very obviously was trying to give you the answer he thought you might want to let the relationship go forward in a way you'd be more comfortable with.
He asked what you meant by wasting your time.
And you got angry that he couldn't read your mind, and realize that what you meant what that you wanted an exclusive relationship. Remember: You had refused to answer a previous question about whether or not you wanted an exclusive relationship and then insulted him when he said he was willing to give an exclusive relationship a try. He had every reason to be confused at this point.
He said "I like what we have" and instead of telling him why 'what you have' isn't working for you - and asking for what you do want - you got upset that he was happy with the state of your relationship right now!
The only thing that is slightly fishy here is you, and how unable you seem to be in this question - and in others - to see how unfair to you are being to him. You are withholding information about your feelings that he needs in order to make decisions, you are disrespectful when he tells you what he wants or is thinking, and you play games trying to make conversations turn out the way you want, rather than really listening to what is being said and communicating with him.
Maybe he's an asshole too, but frankly, from the way you've described this conversation (and remember, we usually describe things in a way that makes ourselves look best) this guy sounds like he has a patience of a saint. I wouldn't stick it out with someone for three months if they were treating me the way you are treating him.
It your words that are laced with hidden messages. It's him whose stuck trying to read through the lines. It's you who is refusing, over and over again, to be straight forward with him.
Maybe he's an asshole too. It's hard to tell, but you should dump him, and go work on you, because this kind of withholding girls can get away with they are in their teens, but if you are going to date fellow adults now, you need to cut this shit out. Guys will walk away from you unless you stop putting on a show of being honest and straightforward, and actually do it.
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