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I dont know how I feel about love
I used to believe in love like fairytales and everything. I got screwed over a couple times since then, and so i tried to do the "I dont care ill just hangout with different guys" thing. Lets call this guy adam. adam is a friend of a friends and we would hangout a few times and i started to really like him then i told him and he kind of quit talking to me, and im pretty sure he liked me too, he said hes just really busy, well at the time he was, hes raising his daughter, going to college, and working. so i understood but he was kind of the last straw that made me the way i am with guys and love. then ive always had a little crush on a friend of my brothers (well call him sam) and i made out with him one night and he just went completely emotional and stuff saying he needed me and all this stuff, of course that turned me off real bad and seemed really quite needy and psycho to me. (im not a mean person its just how emotional and depressed he started talking like a little kid throwing a tantrum because i didnt want to hook up or kiss him anymore after that because i realized it was a mistake and i shouldnt have done that and i just wanted to be friends and not make anything uncomfortable or weird) well sam continues to go over cause my brother and we have a nice hey how are you here and there but its nothing like it was that night well at least hes not acting like that which i was relieved. then the other night i hung out with adam and i was way drunk, we went to his house and we fell asleep then we woke up and he started kissing on me and we kissed for a minute then we were like woah why did that happen like i dont even know what started that then we went and layed in a bed and just slept. then in the morning he dropped me back off at home. there was nothing more he didnt take advantage of me or try to go any further then he did and when we were cuddling and sleeping he wasnt rubbing up on me or touching me all crazy it was literally a nice innocent cuddling. then the next morning he was texting me and said he was going to miss me and stuff cause i moved away for a few months. and i just kind of went along with it and said well ill be back soon and stuff and there was no mention of the kiss. well now i keep overthinking that he is going to turn out like sam. and i keep trying to tell myself that hes not like that cause hes a few years older more grown up and he never mentioned anything or whatever like sam did. so my first question is how can i completely convince myself he wont be like that i think the whole sam thing just freaked me out from kissing guys or having any kind of physical contact with them.cause im almost positive he isnt like that its just this tiny little voice in the back of my head saying otherwise cause of my past experience. and my second question is actually something else but ties in. sorry this is so long. well while im living away from home for a while because im going to school. i go to this cafe and there is a really cool funny sweet cute guy that works there. my roomate and i have became regulars there he knows my name and says hi everytime i go in, he compliments me and im pretty sure he flirts with me, well at least from what everyone else says that has gone in with me. im usually oblivious to people flirting when its directed toward me. well i got my check one day and it had a paper to rate my overall experience. and i gave them 5 stars because they are amazing in there and next to server i wrote "cute:D" then i left. the next day i went back in there and i was sitting with my roomate and he came over to the table said hey asked how i was doing and what not, then as he was walking away he turned around and gave me his card. (hes an actor) and said "oh i meant to give this to you" my roomate said that was his way of basically telling me to call or email him. this was a week ago. i still havent contacted him because im scared of the fact that i dont know him and im paranoid because what if he turns out to be a creep or psycho or something. (im very paranoid) and because he reminds me of the first guy i ever was really or thought i was in love with. and i just dont want to go through all of that again. and i know im psyching myself out. i just dont know if i should risk it im only going to be here for a couple more months. and i was in the cafe today and he smiled alot and talked to me but he was talking to another girl too and said something about what time he gets off work tonight so im worried i may have lost my chance to talk to him. and im so confused because i feel like im ready to actually settle down with a nice guy and be in love, then my mind says no theres no such thing and just be free and have fun. i just know its because im paranoid and im scared to take chances. im sorry my second question is should i text him or just continue to see him when i see him when i go to the cafe? im sorry this was so long. thankyou so much for taking the time to read this!
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Haha, Okay... I got lost and had to re-read to find question #1.
So to answer that ' how can i completely convince myself he wont be like that?'
I don't have a simple answer but to start, I'll use myself as an example. At 20 I married a Christian man and expected a Fairy tale life too. It turned out he was verbally and emotionally abusive. Without going into detail, I stayed 30 years before I left. Once I left, instead of worrying about possibly meeting the same kind of guy again, I decided I wanted at least a long term boyfriend. Wasn't sure I'd find another husband. God told me to make a list of what I was looking for in a guy...your shopping list if that makes sense. It's like if you were hiring someone to find exactly the right guy for you, and to get exactly what you want, you have to be very thorough and detailed. Take that attitude with your list. You'll want 2 columns. One is your 'needs' and the other your 'wants'. A Need is something that if he doesnt have it, thats a deal breaker and you won't even consider meeting him.
The Wants are things you have a preferance for but you are okay with it if Hee isn't meeting this one. Two of my examples: I wanted a guy who likes to dance and who had long hair. I got the long hair but he doesnt dance.
I tried the singles meet up activity groups. It's no different than how you have been meeting guys, like out in public. It was the worst way I could see to use my time in searching for a guy or investing the time in meeting with and talking to one enough to get to see if we had anything in common. For example, I long ago left my 'religious ' beginnings to walk a more open minded Spiritual path and that was important to me. After 1/3 hour of chatting with a guy at a singles event, I made a comment in answer to something he said, and he asked what i meant by it. So I proceeded to answer him and the topic was related to my Spirituality. He interrupted me with horror on his face, raising his voice to say to me, "Get away from me you heathen. I want nothing to do with you. Leave me alone!" I was surprised. He was the one who had approached me. LOL but that told me right there that I could spend the rest of eternity searching for the right partner using this method cus that was only one thing on my list he didn't meet. How long would it take of dating any guy to discover if he met all the rest? So I began to use dating sites. Your level of success will depend on what sites you use if you choose to try this. I liked it because i was able to give them lots of detail into who I am, my strengths, how I think, whats important to me in life...etc...
But also in a space meant for other things, I put my list of criteria for a guy the must haves and I put some of the things i'd like that would be nice but not necessary. I didn't want smokers.
I would suggest you give this a try. If you are serious about settlling down, getting married maybe and having kids...you need to be serious about how you go about it. A pay for dating site will eliminate a lot of the guys who are not serious, are liars, or just playing around for fun, hoping maybe they can convince someone to be their outlet for just sex. Match.com I believe is one of those sites. You've probably seen them on TV. It really is worth the money you put into it. If like I was, you are next to being broke, a pay for site is out of the question, then try OKCupid, or POF they shortened it to that from Plenty of Fish. I believe there are a few more out there, but Those 2 are what I used and got most responses on. Avoid the new app type sites like Tinder or whatever where there is no profile, just pics that you click on if you like or pass on ones that you dont like.
To me, thats so stupid and a waste of time. Of course a person is going to write to someone they find attractive in a photo but like the personality as well. The attraction to looks is a no brainer. I usually say, well Duh,, do you think a guy is going to write to a gal whose looks dont appeal to him? NO. hahaha
If you decide to use a dating site, and really know what you're doing and have some hints from me, as to what to do, not to do in writing yours, and what things to take as warning signs in a message of a guy who writes you. Let me know if I can help here.
Now question 2:should i text him or just continue to see him when i see him when i go to the cafe?
Well, seeing someone at a cafe and smiling at them does not constitute a relationship to me, nor does it get you anywhere close to one which I believe is your goal. So I would have to say, that texting or calling him, rather than doing nothing is the better of the two choices.
If you are too scared of dating sites, it's no scarier than meeting cafe guy whom you know nothing about either. For either way, the first time you meet, do so at a coffee place where you have the safety of plenty people around. Other people may choose meeting at a bar..but you dont want to overdrink cus you're nervous, end up tipsy or unable to clearly get a good run down of the guy. You want a clear mind. So Starbucks or some other coffee shop. 2nd safety tip whether you met on dating site or just happened into them out in public, when you arrange to meet somewhere or go somewhere with him, even the 2nd or 3rd date if you're not comfortable and have a good feeling as to if he's trust worthy, you drive your own car to meet him, even if he insists on picking you up, remain firm and say its your way or not at all. A good guy will not protest or said you're silly or fearful, he will admire you for being smart, and safe and understand and not take offense because of it. If a guy can't handle that, going in two cars, then call it off and say its not going to work. I am no longer interested in meeting you. I feel I may be leaving something else out thats important to share so that you won't end up feeling paranoid. So if you have any specific situation/scenerios you want tips on before hand, let me know, I'd be glad to help.
Let me know how this works for you
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