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Stepfather is ruining my family continued
You give very good advice but it's hard to explain so much in a short summary so I apologize for the lack of detail. I would just like to verify though that I do respect Carlos, because yes, I do understand that he was willing to take me into his home and I do appreciate it. But my idea of being rude was that as he was yelling at me, I literally just sat there silently and I didn't look him in the face. I couldn't. When he asked me a question, I just said, "mhm" instead of "yes". I didn't backtalk him, or say anything mean. So just incase I misled you on the way I handled that problem, that may have changed your view a bit. He isn't abusive physically, but he is mentally and psychologically. He calls my mom fat all the time, and makes fun of her weight. She has never been so insecure of herself and it makes me mad that he's more aggressive than supportive of her weight loss (and she's not even close to obese, she may be 10 pounds overweight). He also makes her feel stupid because he asks her questions that no one would ever know the answer to but him, and when she doesn't know the answer, he makes fun of her. And if she asks a question about anything just because she wants to know, he makes her feel so bad about herself that she should know that, everyone knows that, and she's just uneducated. He makes her feel inferior to him, which is something no one has ever been able to do to her. Everyone who's comfortable enough to talk to me about this say my mom seems like a different person and that she always looks sad. I don't disagree. She used to be one of the happiest people I knew.
He has been home from work a lot for the past few months while my mom has been working about 12 hours straight each day. He will sit at home on his computer ALL day EVERY day and not do anything so that when my mom comes home tired, he makes her cook him dinner, clean up after him, and clean up the house. I have lived with him for a year now and I have not ever, not once, seen him pick up a pot or a broom. He bosses her around all day, tells her to do everything because he's too lazy to do it..and she listens! He treats her like she's a dog. Also, he talks crap about everyone in my moms family including my brother, his fiance, and my dad who he's met twice. He has absolutely no right to talk about them. But since he does, he makes my mom think it too and she begins to grow hatred towards them and now she doesn't even want to see any of them anymore. They haven't given her a good reason for her to hate them. But obviously he doesn't like to share my mom with anyone so it was his plan all along to push them all away. Now, my aunt, my cousins and my grandma won't even see us that often unless he's gone. Is there anything suspicious about that? My mom is the only one who likes him, but it's not even for the right reasons. I asked her before she married him if it was because she really loved him, or because she has no money. Her reply: "We have no where else to go." I would have rather lived with my aunt like she offered countless times. She's not happy, I'm not happy, no one is. I just feel so trapped. But if I leave to my dad's, she probably won't ever talk to me again. And I can't lose my mom.
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I apologize for the delay in getting back to you. I am only available to answer question in the morning. I do appreciate you writing back with a bit more information as it makes things a bit clearer.
I believe I understand your concerns and from what you have written they are valid concerns. It appears your stepfather has an ego problem. I sure hope the mannerism he shows at home is not reflective of his cockpit management as it appears it might be. As cockpit management today and his home life are 180 degrees out. If so he is seriously endangering his aircraft and passengers.
As for your mom; she is what I believe is suffering as a battered woman. Whether she believes this or not the problem is compounded by the fact that she may not be willing to have another failed marriage in her life. Therefore she makes excuses or accepts her husband's abuses.
People in your mother's situation, be they a battered spouse or an alcoholic they will not accept help or advice until they hit bottom. Everyone's bottom is different just where your mothers bottom will be I can't say. Hopefully it won't be in a hospital or a court of law.
The best advice I have for you at this time is for you to do what is best for your first. If that means moving in with you dad then do so. Explain to mom why you are doing so and tell her you will always be there for her. You need to continue to be supportive of her and for her but from a far.
This would also be a good time to tell her that you cannot be in the middle between her and your brother. You tell her that you love both of them and you cannot be in the middle between them as it is to hurtful for you. Hopefully she will understand.
There is no support groups for children of battered parents that I am aware of. I'm think though that the problem of getting the abused person to realize they are in trouble and that there are alternatives is not that different from those who suffer with substance abuse. For those families there is a support group called al anon and alateen. You might get some ideas on how to help your mother by attending some al alateen meetings. below is the URL for al alateen's directory to find a meeting in your area.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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