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Risking It All For Love
Hello,
I am thinking about making some major decisions in my life, and I need to know if it's all worth it. (First, a little background) Last year, I met the love of my life. Before I met this guy, I was completely broken. I struggled with ADD, and depression, for most of my life, but I wasn't aware of it until recently, which had made me even more depressed at the time. I was heavily medicated on anti-depressants, and taking Aderrall, and was basically floating through life. I flunked out of school, and my college G.P.A dropped from a 3.7 to a 1.9. I was completely mortified, and just stopped attending school all together.
After I met him, he mad me stronger. Don't get me wrong, I have strength, in my own sense (I'm brave, and will stick up for the people and things I love), but, It's hard for me to see my worth, and I get discouraged very easily. My doctor tells me I'm a perfectionist, and that I don't do a lot of things, in fear that I won't do it right or perfectly, and he's right. I get horrible anxiety. Anyway, I had an instant connection with my love, (his name is Ronan). The day after we met, I asked him to be my boyfriend, which is totally out of character, because I've always been single, and he quickly agreed! He helped me through my depression for the next couple of months, and I was the happiest I've ever been. I swear, I did not feel happiness for maybe 3 years before that. I even stopped taking that medication that had me all empty inside. It was a horrible withdrawal, but he helped me through that too.
He was like sunshine; bright, free, warm, and beautiful. I loved his friends, and his family, that I had met, and they loved me. It was so good at that moment, but, of course there's a catch.
Ronan was not an American citizen, which I knew, but he was working on getting his work visa, and was heading in the right direction, so we were both hopeful. We didn't have any worries about it, until that horrible day came where he uttered, "I got denied for my visa, and have to go back home". My stomach dropped, and my heart broke. Ronan left in short notice, and it felt like the end, but! it wasn't. We couldn't let it be. Although Ronan was 3,000 miles away in Ireland, while I was in New York, we kept our relationship open, but going, and now till this day, we are still very much in love. So, that is just some background to the story.
Currently, I am trying to figure out if I should just drop my life here, and go and stay with him in Ireland for 3 months. I am so sad, and I feel completely empty without him here. His working situation has stopped him from being able to visit me, and myself, I always have shit jobs, due to my lack of degree, so financially, I always felt I couldn't visit him. But now, I'm looking at things differently. I keep thinking, what's the worst that can happen if I go? I'm 22 years old, don't have a job or career at the moment, and live at home. Ronan, is 27, has a career, and has his life together, but I feel if he was in my situation, he would just say fuck it. Wouldn't most? I'm still not in the best financial situation, it really is not financial smart at all, but I don't care. This is my happiness and sanity I am talking about here. I've always felt things so deep, and I really live for love and beauty, and happiness, and since my love and happiness can't be with me, it is really draining my soul, and making me go insane. I'm just so empty :/.
So, basically, I'm willing to sacrifice myself financially, for my sanity and happiness. Is it worth it? I don't want to stay there illegal, just for as long as my passport will allow me, then we eventually want to get married. I just haven't held him in my arms for a whole year now. I know when I come back home, I'll be dead broke, and in a little debt, but, I can get a job, and fix it, by the time my credit score really matters. That's the beauty of being young, right? :/ . Because, right about now, I feel like I could just die, in this current situation I'm in....
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
This whole situation seems like one of those sad love stories that you can't help but to bawl your eyes out for. But all those stories usually have happy endings don't they? Hope so! I am truly sorry you are stuck in such a terrible situation:( It's hard for me to even give you good advice about this because it is just a lose/lose situation. You truly do seem to be in love with him and if you KNOW for a fact that he is as well and you will stay together and get married, then I do believe it's worth risking. To me personally, one's happiness is more important than anything else, what's the point of having money if you're not happy with it? But you would have to take into consideration, which situation would you be most content with- being with the love of your life but far away from your family and home, along with being broke (BUT gradually work your way up to middle class and live comfortably after years of hard work); OR risking the chance of feeling as depressed as you previously were, maybe worse (BUT may meet another man who would make you just as happy and you could spend the rest of your life with instead and not sacrifice yourself financially)? If you decide to risk it all, just please be smart about it and spend maybe another year really trying to find a job or two and saving up the money to go. It may also keep your mind off the situation and keep you busy so that you don't feel as depressed. I really hope all goes well and you find true happiness. Hope I helped(:
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