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Does my sister secretly resent me?
I’m in my early 20s. I’m in college for my second degree. I’m working. I never had a boyfriend, not married, and had no kids.
I have this older sister by 3 years. She went through a rebellious phase in her late teens. She dropped out of high school and ran off with a guy she met online, who lived 4 states away with his mom. 3 years later she came back after he dumped her for another girl. She met another guy almost year later, had a one nightstand and got pregnant. Now she has two kids and works full time. Her boyfriend works on and off.
I help her raise her daughters. So we are always hanging out. Sometimes she would causally say these hurtful things to me that make me feel like she resents me.
Here are some of the things she would say:
I don’t remember growing up with you at all.
You don’t know anything about real life. You just think you do because of all the books you read and movies you watch.
You can’t talk to people that’s why you’ll never have a boyfriend or friends.
You have an old lady’s style. Maybe if you learn to dress better and wear make-up than you might find a boyfriend.
She didn’t out right ask me but she asked me these weird questions. They make me think that she thinks that there was something going on between me and her boyfriend, the father of her children. There was not. I was offended that the thought even crossed her mind. I don’t find her boyfriend attractive and he’s kind of a deadbeat.
She’s a sensitive person. I love her and would never say anything that would upset her but it seems like she’s not considerate of my feelings. I don’t mind her talking about finding a boyfriend, life, or clothes. The one that hurt me the most out of all this was that she doesn’t remember me growing up. I was there. I had great childhood memories. I, another sister, and she were always playing together. But she suddenly said she only remembered my other sister but not me. It broke my heart. I told my mom about it and she told me not to be sad. My mom said my sister doesn’t remember me because all the drugs and alcohol she took when she was a teenager. I don’t know if that’s true or not but it doesn’t make me feel better. My mom also thinks that my sister says these things because she’s jealous that I am single and free to do as I please. I don’t have the type of responsibilities she does.
What’s your opinion?
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Let me start by saying I am old enough to be your grandfather. Since I am of that age I believe a little grandfatherly advice is in order.
I tend to agree with you mom; I not sure about the drugs and alcohol as I do not know your sister. I can only base my opinion on what you have written. I believe based on this that; yes your sister is jealous of you and what you are accomplishing in life and what it will bring you.
Your sister is starting to realize that she has thrown her life away by dropping out of school, doing drugs and living with a guy that is too lazy to support his family. You on the other hand will have the education you will need to support yourself or a family in a lifestyle equal to or better than the one you had as children. This is the American dream and she is resentful of this. She has two alternatives at this point which are to support you or cut you down to her size and place. It appears she has chosen the latter.
It is obvious that you love your sister; in her own ways she loves you. Jealousy does not mean she hates you; in fact quite the opposite. People who are jealous of someone generally wish they were them or have what they have. I'm sure is you were to be hurt or get sick this sister would be the first one to be by your side to help you get better. In a weird way jealousy is more a form of love then hate for someone as it is a form of self-denial or despair for themselves.
What to do about this? I don't know your sister so I can only offer general advice. Understanding the underlying cause for your sisters’ hurtful statements to you is a start. Knowing this should make them less hurtful. One thing about someone who makes this type of statements if they see they are not getting anywhere with them they will eventually stop for as I said the jealousy behind the statement is a way to pull you down to their level. So try to be like a duck and just let the statements roll off your back.
All that you really can do for your sister is to continue to show your love for her and to be there for her when she needs someone. She has made her life what it is; if she wants better, if she wants what you may have? Then she must be willing to help herself first then you can offer to assist her.
I hope I have helped you.
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Outright ask her. Here is what I would say, next time she says something: Do you not like me? Because the things you say make me feel that way. Maybe that could get you into a conversation. If you want to bring it up to her and not wait, I would say: (Sisters name), one time you told me, ____________, and it honestly hurts my feelings. We're sisters...we're supposed to be supportive of eachother and I feel like you're tearing me down. And I love you so much so it hurts a whole lot when you tell me these things. Either way, no matter what she does or doesn't have to deal with, there is NO reason you need to take the crap she's giving you. The only way you're going to figure out ANYTHING, is if you talk to her. :) I hope that helps.
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