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Online Dating/Finding The Right Guy
19/f
I know you've used online dating before as I've seen you answer some questions saying so.
I've been trying it out and I'm having a hard time. It's pretty overwhelming.
I was in a 3 year relationship, I really liked him beforehand as we were friends. But I feel like with online dating, you don't really get that friendship to build because they're looking at you as someone to be with. Which I get there is nothing wrong with it, but me and my ex didn't like each other for awhile while we were friends until a few months later. And even other guys I've met and became friends with and wasn't even attracted to them at first, I started liking them.
Is it just that online dating just isn't for me or am I doing something wrong? I find lots of guys attractive and I even have a date tonight.
How do you go about this? Like how do you do this the right way? I think I'm just thrown off a bit since I'm not used to it. Any advice would be appreciated though.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I like the fact that you have longevity in relationship going for you with 3 years in the last one. However if you are 19 now, you must have been near 16 starting that relationship. That would mean, in your lifetime, you have not yet had enough dating history of going out with enough different fairly mature guys to begin to form some idea's of what you like and don't like in personality traits, what turns you off in various behaviors and what things you like that you want to look for in the next guy.
Most people either don't know to pay attention to details like this, as was my case at your age, or they simply choose to not listen to advice. When I was 20, I married the first person I dated. If I had dated more guys, I was fairly intelligent and would have been able to make the comparisons pretty easily between the traits of one guy and the other and it would have been obvious then to me that the personality traits of the guy I married were very questionable. He wasn't all that terrible, just hiding lots of his true self from people, long enough...I didn't date him for 3 yrs like you did your guy. Had I done so, I would also have picked up on more things that were actually negative patterns just starting.
Back to you. Since you are asking, I know you are a very intelligent young lady, probably have more going for you than I did at your age. Time teaches you things. What I learned in life experience I applied to internet dating but that was when I was older, mid forties on. It was the point in time, last few years of marriage that the ex and I stayed together for the kids but it was over, like being separated but in the same house and we started dating others already at that point, before being divorced, an almost 3 yr period of dating while still married. Then there's the online dating I got more serious about after finally officially single again. I knew what I wanted in a guy from the casual dating I had done those few years and made a very detailed profile describing who I was hoping that it would attract the right guy. It soon became apparent that the majority of who I would attract is all the guys who dont read the profile, are desperate for a female and just responding cus they liked my photo. You will get that at any age dear.
So likely you aren't doing anything wrong. You might be able to improve your profile but that still doesn't cut out lots of duds from writing to you. I used the online dating because I eventually got serious and jotted down on a notepad all the things that I needed in a guy and wanted in a guy. I used two words: needs, wants. They are different. Your list should contain both. Start with the needs. This is something that is he can't meet this point on your list or tries and fails at it, it's a deal breaker, you dump him like a hot rock.
Example: You don't want guys who lose their temper easily or raise their voice to you and talk abusively to you. If a guy does it once but never again after you point it out, great...2nd chances are good for young males, they are still learning. If he changes immediately without complaint or grumbling and adjusts his treatment of you, then it was just that he needed to know the boundaries and limits, just like a parent sets for a small child. If it happens a 2nd time, it's a bad habit pattern already well set and most people hate change and are not likely to change. If you read carefully what I have written in past answers, you can not change another person, the want to change must come from within. So 2nd offense, he's out of your life. Sound harsh, but its actually very reasonable when it comes to your emotional, mental, physical health for the rest of your life with a partner. I don't think you want to remain single for too long, you want to have a meaningful partner, and the sooner you can find the one who ends up your life long partner, the better for you.
So thats an example of a must have in a mans behavior or personality. I will give you two that were big to me but may not be to others. I wanted someone who was spiritual but not religious, and someone who was my sexual equal. I didn't have either with the ex. Got a taste of it in the dating, but not to the extent that was important to me. I looked at it on a scale of one to five. 1. Doesnt have any of sexual similarities and likes to me,(ie how often, how long, wanting to pleasure the other first rather than seek self gratification first, fetishes in common if any...)
2. Has just one or two things okay on that point
3. Has half of what I need on that subject.
4. More than half of what I want.
5. Has it all, a perfect match.
I was only willing to settle for 5 on the 2 Needs on list. Had more needs than that tho on list.
Now difference between needs and wants. A want is like the icing on the cake. It would be wonderfull but isn't necessary. This is where some of our personal preferences come in. One on my list was finding a guy with long hair. If he was a 4 or 5 on almost everything but had short hair or a shaved scalp, I would still consider him. And I did indeed date guys in all 'hair' catagories. It was just my luck that the one who met 95% of my Needs, happened to have long hair, what can I say, I find that sexy on men. ;)
Make your list of what you need, what you want and make sure to not write it in the negative. Think of a bad trait you don't want in a guy and then find the word that is its opposite, the positive one to list as what you're looking for. Using the example of a guy who has a temper,instead you state you're looking for a guy who is calm, easy going, laid back. Someone like that does not yell and lose their temper.
If the dating site you are using doesnt have a place where you can state what you are looking for in a guy, in the portion where you describe your self, put down description of yourself and then put the next paragraph/section Titled, "What my ideal guy is like or What I am looking for in a guy".
It's equally important to put a good description of yourself. Using myself again for example, I loved being a mother, working with children and I loved gardening. Both require a 'Nurturing"' aspect to the character. I like crafts, singing, writing songs, poems stories. All that requires a 'creative' aspect. All you really have to do is look at how many guys describe themselves, where they went to school, where they have lived, where they have traveled to, to realize that none of that really tells you anything about themselves. The only reason for using on line dating is to narrow down the choices of who might be a good prospect.
There's always singles meet up's. I went to only one before I realized how much a waste of time it is. Some guys were there to have a female to talk to but were not interested in actually dating...this from adult men...who actually said so to my face. They were just there for the social event, not to find someone? I dont get it. Others found me attractive and started convo with me. I steered the convo to my criteria in Needs to match in us. I had been chatting for 20 min with one guy when I brought up religion. He began to ask me things on the subject. I answered truthfully and he reacted by calling me an unsaved heathen and said, "I want nothing to do with you. That unpleasant moment and the wasted 20 mins chatting with him could have been avoided on line if I read that he was a narrow minded Christian. I started Christian but have moved on to embrace the philosophy that all paths have some of the truth and so I feel most comfortable allowing others to believe what they wish and not try to change them or tell them they are wrong. You dont want to date a guy who is trying to "fix" your beliefs/in other words- - change you. Be able to accept the person as they are, assuming nothing will change. Are they good enough for you without any change?
Now about finding a guy attractive. We all are attracted first to looks. Some stop there. We need to be attracted to their personality, sense of humor, etc... If a guy professes to meet your criteria in a guy and says you are what he is looking for and you like what you read in his self description, then give the guy a chance if he is acceptable in the looks area. There were guys I would not date cus they looked like a younger version of my dad, or like a brother, or the ex. Thats a personal thing, something your subconscious is not going to be able to get over easy if at all. There were guys I found okay looking but I didn't really find myself going back over and over to their photos cus they looked so handsome. Pictures can lie. A person can look different than their photo too, keep that in mind. I think its fair to not find a guy really handsome and find yourself responding to his looks in the beginning. We have had our minds twisted by the media as to what is "good looking/model quality looks so we tend to screen out the rest. Once I had spent some quality time with a guy and I loved his personality, the person he was inside changed some of his looks on the outside in a way. I was reading his facial expressions as I was getting to know him better in person. So I paid more attention to the eyes, loved the color of them, and when animated, facial expressions add lots of character and sexiness to a guy, like the way his eyes crinkle when he's smiling or teasing, the masculine shape of a nose that won't show on photos. So I think you're perfectly normal in not finding some guys attractive until later.
I have rambled on quite a bit, not too organized here. If I misunderstood and you did not like something about their character until later and found you were attracted to that character trait at a later point...thats also normal. That is what i was talking about in experiencing enough different personalitys of guys in lots of dating to find what you like. So if you find you like something about one guy but the dating ends cus theres not enough spark/romance between you, write down these things on your list of what you're liking and look for it in the next guy.
If you ever have a prospect who looks promising but you're not sure about some things He writes, feel free to pass it by me, or ask for help on anything you come up against you're not sure about in online dating.
If you use it only as a tool to come to discover the existance of the guy and to weed through a great majority of frogs before you find your prince, then you're using it correctly. If you like what you see in a profile, trade numbers and talk asap. If in 2,3 days of talking you like how his mind works and no warning signs have come up yet, go for a meet in person thing asap. Take it out of the illusion of the internet and into real life. The longer you try to date and keep in touch via the pc instead of in person, a fantasy person is created by our minds and they may not be what we are looking for. He may have all the qualities but there's no attraction or sexual chemistry. Sorry this is so long. Maybe I should create a precise document to save with instructions in case anyone asks me the same question in the future. Good luck dear.
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