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falling out of love?
I was with my boyfriend for 1 year and 7 months so far. We met about every weekend. We talk to each ither through texting everyday. I was just sad about my college rejections and needed some comfort from him. We've had a long history together and we helped each other through many difficult times while we were together. In the first year we always had time to hang out with each other talk to each other with some kissing and mild sexual contact involved. It was just the three moneths wen we got back together was when we had taken a step further and went to third base. and we id that for the 3 months except for those two times. We have had deep conversations which id pour out my feelings and calmly wait for his answers to my questions before. He had answered it with a bit of anger though when i asked too many questions or hed say that he doesnt know. usually on a daily basis we talk about our day and what we are doing and usually jokes and such just normal things. we were at the point where we were comfortable with each other and that we knew each other well.
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Thanks for the info. Yes, you were long enough together that it shouldn't be a trivial thing. If its a behavior of yours, it would've gotten to him long before this last break. So I must assume nothing has changed in your behavior. It's something going on inside of him.
When you say You poured out your feelings, I dont know what the topic was so I cannot make assumptions but if you mentioned about how deep your feelings are for him, and it clicked off something in his mind that alerted him how serious the relationship was getting, he may not have been ready himself to look at how he felt. Perhaps he enjoyed lighter topics and nothing of really any depth of if you did start talking anything of depth including future dreams, hopes goals, maybe even his spiritual beliefs, and he wasn't ready to start thinking about that, just wanting to remain oblivious but enjoy life, then a person could easily be made to feel uncomfortable or even react in anger, anger that seems directed at you but it is actually anger because they were put in a position of having to acknowledge their feelings or to come up with what their beliefs or goals in life are when he may yet not want to have any.
When dealing with someone like this, pushing them harder to respond will make them shut down. It is best to give them the space they require and as much time as they need to sort out what they believe and what they feel. I dated after a divorce in my forties. Met a guy with whom the attraction seemed to flow fast and other than kisses, it wasnt even sexual yet but doing stuff like spending our entire Saturday together and seeing each other every day after work so that after 3 weeks of that, he spooked at the intensity of the relationship and asked me not to come by that weekend, asked to take a week off from seeing each other. I didn't have to ask, I know i could ask him after he'd had some time to sort out his thoughts. Halfway through the week I got a text, it was all the time he needed, and he asked to see me after work. In person told me he was afraid I wouldn't want to see him cus I'd be hurt. I wasn't, I knew he needed to sort things out. Some guys go through it well and decide the relationship isn't that scary after all and they miss you as my guy said to me, he missed me and couldn't wait until after next weekend to see me again. What worked was a handful of days for him but may take weeks or months for another guy. And then there are always a few who are not mature enough to realize there is nothing scary in the relationship and they keep on running away rather than stop running and face all those new things that they are unsure about.
Since he is not answering your questions, he needs time to sort things out in his mind and males can only do that without the female around, especially if its about her. Its how guys process their thoughts and feelings. They need time to be left alone. Those who don't take the time to think things out but get immediately involved in other projects or a new person, are just running from their feelings. Someone like this isn't ready to commit to a dating relationship or anything else. If he's about your age, then he's still young enough to not really know what he wants yet. Humans brains as far as making good decisions and plans for the future are concerned, dont finishing developing until our mid twenties so he has some time to go before he may be mature enough for any kind of relationship with a girl. I have watched on line male relationship experts discuss how they wished they were more mature in their early twenties because they did so many things wrong and hurt so many girls. Hindsight doesnt help them now because too much time has passed and the females found someone else and yet they can't stop thinking of the girls they now know they were crazy about but did the stupid things instead. You can't force him to grow up. All you can do is give him the space he needs. Stop questioning him or attempting to talk to him or see him. Make yourself not available for any type of sexual gratification, that is a benefit that comes only with a bonafide relationship which he is possibly running from. I am guessing of course but with what else you said, i cant think of what else it would be...other than he is just running away scared. Whether he needs just a little time before he returns, a lot of time or never returns is up to where he is at in personal growth. Age 18 may mean he's adult in eyes of the law but we don't become an adult overnight like flicking on a light switch. It is a process we all go through learning more with each year if we are not fighting the learning experiences or turning and running from them. The runners you will see today are 40 and 50 year old men who are still alone, never grew up, act like a spoiled little kid, think the world revolved around them and don't know how to have a healthy relationship with a woman. It is unfortunate but it does happen. He was to chicken to ask for time to clear his mind and think things out. Most young guys only think that females will over react, cry, blame him, accuse, act guilty, ask too many questions, etc.. all which and they know they can't handle that so they look for a plausible excuse to get a break away from her or break it off totally as was the case with him first time. Second time it was supposedly cus you were stressed and he couldn't handle that. He needs time to figure things out. I can't say at this stage whether he cares about you but hasn't sorted out his feelings yet or what. Only time will tell. It will hurt and wont be easy for you, but you need to give him space. Act like he wasn't the only priority in your life. The girls who do, scare away the guy. Guys have several top priorities in life which can be a mix of things and can change as that right girl comes into their life. Tops for a guy, job, school, buddies, family, sports team they may be on, girlfriend. After college, its usually job, wife and family and everything falls to a lesser priority. Its part of growing up. When a guy gets to a point of realizing how important a girl is but he can't quite bring himself to drop one of his other priorities and make her one of his, then he's not really ready. I don't know how long he'll take or if he'll come back to you. So go on with life for now without him, make an decisions you need to such as finding a job even if just for this summer before making any future plans. Don't let the unsettled ness of your relationship hold you back from making any plans.
If he does come back, don't take him back so eagerly and be like "I missed you so badly, I am so glad youve come back, I hope you never leave again." That smacks of a desperate female who needs a guy to complete her which is a turn off for many guys. And all those comments are all about you and your feelings. Don't even bring up your feelings first. Ask him how he is doing. Ask what he's been doing while gone and work up to the important part, "Why are you back in my life?" Find out what is driving him to come back after leaving twice. If he is lying to himself or not being honest with himself, it may take someone like a psychologist to spot whats going on and ask him the right questions, or at the very least, someone like me with more life experience. I knew as little as you do at your age. So if he can not explain why he ran off, or if he puts the blame on you and things you said and did, he is a confused young puppy not ready for a relationship still. If he brings up that you aren't perfect and points out flaws, no matter how you miss him you have to be strong and draw the line which means you ask, "Well, If I have such problems that create issues for a relationship, then why are you coming back to see me. If I am so flawed, why do you come back. Have you ever considered that no human is perfect. That we all have things about us that may not be perfect. And that it is really how YOU choose to deal with those things internally and how you respond that is more important than me changing something about me that may not even need changing. You need to be able to communicate to me at a deeper level. Dont' give bullshit excuses. If you are afraid to tell me what the issue is cus you are afraid of my reactions, then tell me so. I can respect that and wont think less of you. But to lie to me, make excuses and lie to yourself isn't going to solve things.
If all he will say is that he missed you:
You say you missed me. Thats nice. People miss all sorts of things. It doesnt mean anything. I miss the beach and cant wait til summer to go lay on the beach again. But I am coping just fine at the moment without the beach. So just missing me isn't a good enough reason for you to come back and for me to allow you into my life. Better think that one out some more.
If he changes tactics and says he loves you don't make it easy for him and collapse in utter joy cus you heard those 3 words I love you. Here's what you say instead:
You say you love me. So does that mean you really like some things about my personality? Thats great, I'm glad to hear it. Theres things I like a lot about my girlfriends personalities but I am not looking to be in a significant relationship with them. Or you mean you love me like I love a particular flavor icecream, thats showing preferance for one over another. So if you had your preferance over who to spend your time with, it would be me. Hmmm, that's not special enough for me. I haven't heard anything from you yet to convince me to go back into a relationship with you. Maybe you haven't figured out what you are looking for yet, what you want to be able to give to a relationship and what you are looking to get out of it. Please don't waste my time. I care about you deeply but not enough to let you waste my time just spinning wheels and going no where.
You girl are going to have to have a list of what you want out of a relationship, what you will not tolerate in a relationship and be willing to stick to it. I literaly mean making a list and refine it over time. I never thought of doing that until after my divorce, God got through to me and told me to make such a list so He could prove to me that he can bring me the right guy. I made a list of must haves and then the wants like brunette as a preference over blonde, long haired over short, etc.. But something important like being communicative, easy going, doesnt get angry or lose control of emotions, etc..where must haves for me coming out of a bad marriage of abuse. So...once you know what you want you can have a talk with him if he does come back again and ask if he'd like to know what you are looking for in a guy, and you will take nothing less than this. Then show him or give him your list. I put mine in a dating profile. Got a few guys who were upset and said my expectations were too high. Who says? I am the one to determine what is reasonable for me. You too. Dont let a guy tell you that you expect too much...they just are too lazy to live up to and meet those requirements is whats going on. If your guys tells you the same,, that he can't be that guy, then tell him you are sorry to hear that, and as much as it hurts, it would be going backwards, or letting down your standard to settle for less by getting back with him. If you reject him this way....this may be just the thing to make him decide to grow up and begin to try to be a man as he nurses his wounds.
And if he comes back again, always be welcoming and friendly and willing to listen to him, cus you never know when he may have finally grown up.
If I were you, i would begin to write out my feelings...not meant to really share with him but more for you to go back over every couple days or once a week until you are able to discover for yourself what you really want and/or discover if perhaps you have some growing up to do in on your side too. Good luck dear. I personally dont think its over yet. But theres some rough road ahead that you need to be strong and firm for to be successful no matter what the end result. The end goal is to learn to recognize and find the kind of guy who will become your life long partner. It may take several relationships of learning in each one and each will be special and there will be wonderful loving feelings in each one but they may only be steps on your way to the right lifelong mate. So dont be afraid to experiment and see if my tactics work. According to what I have learned from relationship experts...these are important factors to stick with if you are to get anywhere good in relationships. Good luck!
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