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Living w/ boyfriend at school versus parents when home :/
Hi, I'm 21 and home from college for Spring break. I know it's probably an oddity that someone of my age is on here, but I used to use Advicenators a lot as a young teen, and thought perhaps the people on this site would come through for me again even years later. Bear with me, I promise these paragraphs lead somewhere.
My boyfriend lives about an hour away when we're both in our hometowns. When we are at school though, he has an apartment about 10 minutes off campus, and I live on-campus. We spend a bunch of nights together, most often at his place, because he has no room mates, and we can just do homework all night, cook meals, talk about whatever we want, and -dare I say it- fart... basically just live a stress-free life and function together as a couple.
We just began Spring break (there are another 7 days left) and I really miss being with him. Now before you think this is just an "I miss my boyfriend" cry, let me talk it out. I don't text him all the time or ask him to call me every night or question if he really cares about me or any of that kind of insecure behavior - he stays in touch, will call occasionally because he knows I like it, and in return, I know he needs and deserves to have his time with his several close hometown friends that are not in college. Unfortunately, MY hometown friends from high school have all taken diverse paths in life - but all via the college route. Even if our Spring breaks did line up, we really are all different people now (which I know thanks to the ghost friendships I have with them through Facebook). So I'm kind of lonely when home, and as a result, just want to go see my boyfriend because he's the one who makes me not lonely. Simple enough.
So it occurred to me that there's got to be something that makes me engaged in MY community besides wanting to run off into his - I plan to volunteer locally, watch some documentaries to better my world knowledge, and of course, visit with my local, elderly family members while they're still around. I've actually done some of these things already. Still, it's tough to know that so many people I know at college are running off to tropical places for their Spring breaks, while I'm sitting here like "Yeah, I wouldn't have people I'd really want to go to Cancun with anyway. Nor would I have the money. I'm trying to buy a car at some point.." There just aren't people at school that I've found have the level of maturity along with similar interests and personality traits to be good friends with. I have some friends at school, don't get me wrong, but they just aren't the kind of people I'd be proud to introduce to, say, my boss or co-workers at the corporation I work at during the Summers.
Back to the money thing though, my boyfriend really doesn't have much money either. Typical of college students I guess, that the little money we can afford to spare from saved-up part-time jobs gets spent on some alcohol and $1 ice creams from McDonalds. I've never dated a man with money. But I've got a good one, and a cute one too.
Here's where I think my main problem is. At least the one that drove me to write this question:
Living with my parents when I come home for breaks is a TOTALLY different experience. Where "Ben" and I get up in the morning with enough time to get to class on the applicable days, but elect to sleep in when we can, my parents make me get up at 9am every morning just because "you should!" Where I can get dressed, use the bathroom, shower, send emails.. do what I need to do on my own managed timeline at Ben's, when I'm at home, I have people knocking on doors telling me to "go do this," and "how come you're taking so long" with that. My parents are also not the type of people to let me go stay with him for a few days (which would be nice because his family is much more like the lifestyle he and I have, and would be a much welcomed "Spring break" retreat). My parents hold me to exact times and expect asking for permission for everything - often modifying what I want to do for the sheer reason of keeping control. If they aren't concretely given all details about who, what, where, when, etc. within 24 hours of the activity, I don't even have a chance at getting their permission.
I've tried getting them to loosen their grip. I've been complying for years, but it is really getting in the way now. Luckily my boyfriend tells me "I'm dating you, not your parents," and doesn't let it affect him too much, but I know he's not comfortable the few times he's come over. It'd be much better if we could all laugh and joke and not worry about my parents being awkward and getting offended.
As to their tight grip on me, I've sat down with them and explained how grateful I am for all that they've done for me in raising me, and that I'm not rebelling, it's just that I've grown up and I need them to trust me and give me the respect of making decisions. After all, I've been doing it on my own for the last 3 years when I'm at school with flying colors - I've a GPA of 3.7!
So, my question:
** How do I properly cope with all the differences from being with Ben in our fun, relaxed, but still very responsible world, and then back home in my parents' strict world? **
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You are between the proverbial rock and a hard place with this question.
You are legally an adult at age 21 and do not have to tell you parents anything about what you do or who you do it with. You do not need permission to do anything and have not since you were 18 which is the legal age of adulthood. Since that time your parents had no legal responsibility for you or to you. The flip side of this coin is you wish to honor your parents for all they have done for you. If this means living by their rules when living under their roof you have chosen to do so. While this is frustrating for you the alternatives are just as maddening for it means not to come home and live with them during spring and summer breaks.
Yes your parents are trying to control you. As to the why of this it is hard to say. From a fathers point of view it is hard to see his daughter as anything but his little girl. Too many fathers even when their daughter are all grown up and have families of their own, their daughters are still their little girls. It's different for boys. Boys are their sons who they teach to be men who are to go out and make their way in the world. Is it fair; no it is not? Will fathers ever change, I doubt it. There are other reasons why your parents are trying to control you. If so you need to work harder at breaking this hold they have on you if you don't they will continue to try and control you for the rest of your life; even when you marry and have a family.
I admire your willingness to live by your parents rules when living under their roof. Many parents demand this of their children regardless of their age. This is wrong to do to adult children. It is both right and wrong of you to honor them this way. You need to need to start breaking the chains that bind you. With one exception all of their controlling issues are up for breaking. The one exception is allowing your boyfriend to spend the night in your bed. While they may know this is how you two spend most nights, this is a core value issue, for them that you should stay away from. If you want and need to sleep together either get a motel room or go to his parents’ house who are more liberal.
For the other rules they have when they insist on knowing something. Just say that is personal. If they say you must be home by a certain time. Say you will try but they should not wait up for you and that you will call if you are going to stay out later. You should call them if you do intend to stay out past their curfew. Do call them, if they start to argue or demand you come home, say you will discuss this with them in the morning and hang up as politely as you can. What you are doing is teaching them that you will not be controlled in this manner. Sharing some information as to where you’re going or who you are seeing is entirely up to you. They have no legal right to know this.
It will be frustrating and taxing at first. I don't believe, from what you have written, this has anything to do with trusting you. If your parents are true controllers you need to break this cycle of control they have over you or you will sufferer with it for the rest of your life. If you have tried talking with them and nothing has changed then a tough love approach is the only other way to go.
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Wow dear, for once, I have nothing really to add to all you have already tried and done. You have the perfect ideas to keep busy in your community, you've done the right thing in talking to the parents and calmly asking that they allow you to make your own decisions as an adult while visiting rather than being told what to do as if you're still a kid. I understand there being rules to be heeded while living or staying under the parents roof but they sound a bit too nosy and bossy.
If this is how they show they love you and miss you, they're going about it wrong. So since you are not going to be able to magically change them overnight, or your situation, the only thing you have control over to change is how you look at it, from the inside, your thoughts on it.
Here's one way to look at it and I know you can come up with more on your own. These are the parents you were given. You only have them in your life for a certain amount of time. If not old age, an accident could take one sooner. Probably while you were growing up, they were no different than they are now. The only reason you notice behaviors that are irritating now is because you have been away, experienced something different with your boyfriend, and also with his family to be able to make these comparisons. You had nothing to compare to before. If its important to you to be with your family and see them on breaks, then it looks like you'll have to accept them with their spots and wrinkles.
Then as for no real friends after high school, that is inevitable, all going their own ways. One of my daughter moped for a while too when she had no one to spend time with. She had to develope a totally new set of friends and started that by going to meetup.com for community meetings by particular hobbies or interest, such as for herself, yoga and natural healing. She met people with same interests of course as these groups. It doesnt sound like something you'd have time for while in college but a good idea for after.
If you find it too excruciating to be with your own family, then try to spend breaks with his family instead. I assume you live with the family too while working for a local business during the summer. You might start planning now on lining up another place to live for the summer months, that or find out if you could stay with his family and look now for a summer job in their area. I don't see any other options.
On the bright side, I was very impressed with how you explained yourself and your maturity and think that if your schedule would allow the time, you'd be great as another advice giver on this site. There's people of all ages. Some of those are in your age range and are better equipped to answer some questions that I have no clue what they are describing as I grew up in another era like your parents. I can answer most questions out of life experience but there'd always be a spot you could fill. Think about it.
Anyways, focus on what you do have that is special and wonderful like your guy Ben. Take care dear.
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