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relationship money
I have wrote this question on here before although I do not think I was wording it correctly. I have been dating a man for 4 months. I am a mother of two I raise my kids alone. When we first started dating he had a job not a good one but had one. He quit his job before Christmas to start working at a rehab facility. All he got was he had taken a test for the position and they sent him paper work like an application for the job. So it is now March still no job. At first he'd ask me to buy his cigarettes I wouldn't. He would ask me out and we would go to the bar for a little while I'd pay for both of our drinks. Now I he'll go to the mall with me when I get my hair done or to take my son to one of his many doctor appointment and say " hey baby can I get a dollar something " so he can get a drink every time and then ask if I want something in get offended because it is my money that he is asking if I want something with. If I talk to him he likes says he won't ask any more he loves me etc I just need some advice
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So he quits a job he had because he was "confused" and thought he'd been offered a job just because of tests he had to take and other paperwork he completed as part of the screening process of potential employee's?
Either that was wishful thinking on his part or there is something seriously not right in his mental capacities. Maybe its an issue of mental maturity if he's your age. Some people need a lot longer to finally be able to start making good sound decisions in life.
I need you to ask yourself why you are dating hon. Thats an important factor that will help you see things clearer and make it easier to make any decisions.
Ad I see it there's two possibilites:
1. If you are determined to make it alone in life as a single mother and support your kids on your own, good for you. Then why would you need a guy in your life? The obvious reasons, just to have some adult time with some one, a social life and/or maybe just sex. Then the perfect guy would be someone who likes kids but isn't looking for marriage, and can support himself and is a good companion and lover. You are supporting two kids, you don't need to be supporting 3 kids, him being one of them. Not trying to be harsh. I know the economy is tight and maybe all he can get if he tries is another crappy part time job. But I think what you want to see is the effort and at least the little extra money that would be a help so he's not a drain on your resources.
2. People who are not dating for simply a social reason are dating to learn what they do and don't like about the other person because in their minds they're trying to form a picture of what they are looking for in a life long partner. They are looking for a mate, someone who is their equal, some one to fall in love, someone who is able to back up their profession of love with actions, a person who is supportive of all you do and always building you up with his words, encouragement, compliments, putting you first before his needs, and just an all around joy to be with cus his companionship no matter what you're doing, makes all of life more fun.
So what you ask yourself is: am I looking for a man that I need to support and get companionship and sex in return, a man that can support me and the kids totally without any contribution from me, or a man who is equal partners with me in the contributions to this relationship, financial and other.
It's not all about finances. Couples have through the ages survived through tight times because there was a lot that both were contributing to the relationship other than money. So you might ask yourself what contributions you'd like to see from him. Start making lists. I had my lists when looking for a new man in my life after a divorce.
If all he is is just a social companionship but he was never in your mind meant to be husband material, then he doesn't have to put in the kind of effort that a husband would, does he?
Married happily ever after doesnt happen just because you wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so. Thats if you are looking for a life time partner. Thats what you'd need to be looking for. It takes effort.
Sometimes that effort is for the guy going out and finding any pitiful income he can bring in, maybe even 2 part time jobs, because he is going to carry and shoulder his part, he will contribute in all ways to the relationship, not sponge off a female.
I have a friend in her forties, who met a guy 2 years ago. This man was major 'eye candy' for females. He certainly got my attention. Think of a guy who looks like the actor in the latest Superman movie, before he cuts his long hair. Almost a dead ringer for him. He was new to the area and asked a couple of guys at the bar if they knew any single females in the small town. Yep, they knew of her and introduced them. He had no job and was looking for a place to stay while he looked for work. Well, she fell for his good looks. The minute he opened his mouth, I no longer saw him as attractive, his conversation and way of thought process killed it for me. I saw through him. He found a woman who would take care of him, feed him and his dog who ended up giving birth to 6 puppies who had to be fed...big dogs, and she was a poor starving artist who scraped by to pay her mortgage every month. She would have been happy to have him contribute in other ways around the house and to be more frugal instead of spend money like he or she had any. He became lazy, and began to mistreat her verbally and physically. She complained of course. Her friends, including us, all made the same comments...what is he to you? Cus if going just by looks, all he is , is your gigilo...a man who is 'kept. taken care of' by a woman in exchange for his 'attentions', usually just sex. Her mouth dropped open and she realized just then, that it was true and yet the sex wasn't all that great either. She quit feeding him. And it took about a month of no food before he left to go find his free lunch ticket elsewhere.
Is this what is happening to you? You've only known him 4 months. Have you met his friends or family. What can they tell you of his track record? Has he just fallen on hard times or is this the most you can ever expect from him?
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