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I dont feel comfortable around my boyfriends family..?
So first of all im a shy 17 year old girl and it takes me some time to become comfortable around strangers enough to talk to them. Well my boyfriends mom and dad are divorced so he has 2 familys kinda. I feel uncomfortable around them both. They are complete opposites of my family and what im used to being around. My family is a christian family who are strict and will do anything they can to help someone in need. They make anyone feel accepted and comforatble. But his family is the opposite. His dads house is where he lives mostly and he hates it. He has that evil step mom. i mean shes evil. She would be rude to me and talk crap about me when i wasnt there and my mom and dad found out and im not allowed back in that house. His dad has talked to me once which is the day i met him. Thats it. His mom lives about an hour away and we go there every weekend. His mom has a gf and they live together. Well i hate it there. His mom makes me feel stupid and like she judges everything that i do. I feel like they always talk about me while im not there. and she looks at me like im stupid sometimes and when she talks to me my boyfriend has to tell me she has something to say to me. And her gf isnt bad i like her a lot better. But i still dont feel comfortable. Usually by now i would have already opened up to them and talk but im still as shy as the day that i met them. When we get to his house i stay back in his room unless we ride his 4 wheeler. i stay back there by myself a lot while hes in there talking to them. The other day we were in the car and she told me when i come over the next time instead of standing there to say hi or something. i started crying because i have social anxiety and i got soo nervous thinking about having to do that.. idk why. but when we were parking his mom said something about how she forgot i was back there because i was so damn quiet. and she yelled it and it embarrassed me and hurt my feelings tbh. i hate being around them. i HATE it. One time i was in his rooma and he came in there and told me to tell his mom thank you. i have no idea for what. So i went in there and he said mom candice has something to tell you and i said thank you and she said youre welcome! it was confusing and embarrassing becuase they all knew except me. Now my boyfriend is absolutely amazing and i know if i tell him how i feel he will listen. He may get a little aggitated or something but he will try to understand. Tbh im very jealous that hes so accepted and loves being at my house and i hate going to his and feel the way that i do. Now its getting close to saturday and im trying to think of excuses of not to go to their house! Should i say something to my boyfriend? Weve been together for 3 months. Ive tried telling him but i got too nervous and didnt know what to say. So what should i do?
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It sounds to me that his family has some major issues that have nothing to do with you. You should just tell your boyfriend how uncomfortable you are and let him know you would rather not go with him to visit any more. I'm sure he will understand especially if you explain it the way you have here. I too had extreme social anxiety up until I was about 30 married with my own children. I too would stay off to the side and never really carried on conversions with anyone I didn't know. His family should be welcoming of you and make you feel more comfortable. But, clearly they aren't interested in that and you can't make them change their ways. Try to spend your time with your boyfriend out and about or at your families house as much as possible. Limit your visits with his family to holidays and special occasions. You shouldn't have to feel this way, be upset, afraid, nor should you end up in tears. You deserve better than this and your boyfriend should agree. Your relationship should be fun not uptight and uncomfortable. Thats no way to live. Just be open and honest with your boyfriend and ask him to keep your feelings private. I have a feeling if his family finds out how you feel they will just make things worse. It would be nice if they would just try being nicer but based on what you described it doesn't sound like they are willing to get to know you. Just remember this is not your problem. They had issues long before you were in the picture. Dont let their negativity break your spirit. You have a loving caring family so just try bringing your boyfriend more into your family while staying away.from his.
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I understand that dads new wife is not friendly and talks behind your back. Staying away from that negative energy whenever possible is a good thing, however mom and her g/f sound like nice people.
What you are describing is not so much a problem with these four people not "accepting" you, it's more about how you come across to others in the world, other than your family who knows you well.
A great majority of people lack good social skills. And that will affect how they come across to you too, even if they are more self assured and have no social anxiety as you do. Even friendly people have trouble with how to make first contact, reach out and befriend someone.
You are battling the same extreme shyness I had when I was young. I was your age when I was finally tired of being that way and wanted to change and become more like my dad, very outgoing and friendly and making friends with strangers all the time.
You can't expect ALL people to figure out that you are shy and want to coax you out of your shell...it doesnt work that way. I may be one of the few exceptions. Here's my story of having a young teen like yourself come to my house. My daughter in 6th grade brought home a friend who was shy and wouldn't speak a single word. I could read by her body language that she had this social anxiety like I'd had once. So I welcomed her and asked her a question or two which she did not answer. My daughter had to answer for her. Once I had my answer, I acted as if she'd told me herself, "I'm glad to hear that dear. Well welcome to our home" ending with a comforting quick pat on the shoulder. She eventually over a couple years worked out of her shyness. I was told by daughter she felt comfortable and welcome at our house even though her body language and actions told a different story. At one point I asked her if I could give her a hug after I just greeted my daughter with a hug. She gave a slight nod. After hugging her, I told her i felt like I had 4 daughters now instead of three, that in my mind she was like an adopted daughter. I know that day was a turning point for her and she was able to start talking to me after that.
So honey, I truly know what you are going thru. You have to trust me when I tell you that you need to work on yourself because the majority of people in the world are not going to be like me, you are going to have to learn to overcome your social anxiety...its do-able. I did it. You are soon going to be on your own and you will continue to feel like this where ever you go, and believe that everyone else is unfriendly or judging you or not accepting you. It's faulty thinking. I know from experience. Of all the stuff I imagined what others thought of me, maybe I only got 1% right and 99 % wrong. For the longest time I believed the problem was "Out there..." with "other people..." when it was all internal...with me. No matter what others do, never take it personally because just like you, their battle is internal also and their actions do not reflect on you.
So heres what you can do to overcome your social anxiety.
It took until I was about 16 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my outgoing, friendly dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2 Do the same with his parents because you are not comfortable with them yet.
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3 (When you say Hi or greet his family they may or may not respond back at least I get the impression that its possible at his dads house...but remember...you're doing this for yourself, to overcome here. What they decide to do when greeted is their own problem not yours.
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it. Do this with his family and also with strangers cus this is the hardest step. example: Hi Judy, oh are those new earrings? They look cute on you. His dad, Hi Earl. (he grunts in reply not speaking) Oh, sorry Earl I'm not fluent in grunts but I'll try. Grunt 1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack something that looks absolutely hideous in color and comment, what the heck do they call this color and who would look good wearing it? Would you wear it?
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
If his dad is not the generally friendly type, do your best to try anyways, Say Hi Earl, how are you today. If he chooses not to answer but just grunts at you for example, this is a point where I will tease to get a point across to the person that they aren't communicating well with me. I might say, Sorry I am not too fluent in grunt language but I will try. Make grunt noises in return. then say, in case you wern't able to translate, that meant I hope the rest of your day goes great. If the person has a sense of humor they will chuckle at the very least and perhaps make a response but if always in a sour mood, then no response and you will learn quickly after a few tries if the person is someone to not put any effort into. Keep greeting with a Hi and goodbye but dont attempt conversation. the ball is in their court and if they want to talk at this point they have to start.
Hope this helps dear. If you come up with any particular situation as you work on this that you'd like to talk to me and get my opinion on, what you said, someones response...let me know.
Good luck.
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