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Getting Back Together
19/f
A few days ago I wrote in asking you about advice with my ex boyfriend. I'm sorry that I didn't go too much into detail before.
Well, that day we met up, we talked and everything went well. This time he was doing most of the talking and we ended up talking about where we went wrong and where we needed more effort in the relationship.
So a couple days pass and he comes to me and wants to get back together. So far everything has been good but I don't want it to go back into a cycle. Like we would have good moments, then something would bother me, we'd fight and not really talk about it, then it would pass. Now I know we need to talk about problems we have instead of ignoring it or fighting about it. I'm just not sure how to communicate it the right way and that's where I need some help.
I also loved what you said about building each other up. I don't want to be the girl that drags him down or be the one who's not there supporting him to follow his dreams. So I have been trying to compliment him.
Anyways, sorry for it being long and sorry for writing in again but if you can help me by letting me know how to have a healthy relationship with no fighting and better communication, I'd be so grateful!
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When you said: I don't want to be the girl that drags him down or be the one who's not there supporting him to follow his dreams. So I have been trying to compliment him. I thought to myself, thats good, you get one half of it. But you did not say whether he's always been good at complimenting you, and supporting and upholding your dreams. If he is at such a young age, its a miracle. Most guys struggle to figure out how important that is.
My husband put it best when he wrote to me on a dating site.
"the strength of my integrity as the male that I am to you, as a female and friend, is…
To support who and what you are becoming…
To strengthen who and what you are…
As the masculine expression of Awareness, I have learned and I am aware of my only two real functions as a male, which is…
To initiate the creative possibilities of feminine expression of Awareness and…
To support, strengthen, and up-hold "her" and "what she brings forth."
This is as important if not more so than the fact that a guy in todays world will always earn more than a female for the same work and thus he is the main bread winner.
If he did most the talking, he must have mentioned some things that he felt went wrong and what needed more effort. I'd be curious to hear what he said because depending on the content, it may reveal that he's a level headed guy who that he has no clue and is part of the problem. Often the problem starts with the guy. If he is not loving and supporting a female the way she should be, she can tend to not feel cherished and is less likely to respond with enthusiasm to him or wanting to compliment and encourage him in return.
I have a natural streak by nature as a Scorpio to want to sting and hurt others with words as I am ignored or attacked. I have learned how to control that and not react in anger. What is most helpful to me when I feel anger rising up is to take a couple deep breaths, say nothing and simply imagine in my mind, putting myself into the other persons shoes. I may not know enough abut the other but certainly can imagine what might be going on. A splitting headache or recent bad news could be the reason for the nasty tone of their voice or why they snapped at me. If I had such a headache, wouldn't my patience be thin and I snap too? If you can be honest with yourself, and realize you would be acting the same and hope that people give you some grace and don't over react. The people who cut you off in traffic, may have a shitty life, always stressed, not enjoying life, not awake enough spiritually to be realizing they need to feed their inner self also as well as put bread on the table. It is a choice to think this way. Once you do, you will find you do not have this force of anger that needs to erupt out of you focused on him.
On communication, I hope he's a talkative guy cus if he isn't I have no advice for the silent type who seldom talk and keep their thoughts and feelings inside most the time. A man of few words can still be okay but in most cases causes problems by being unwilling to talk.
Theres an old saying, "A penny for your thoughts" usually spoken when your partner has been silent for a while or they seem to be reflective but not sharing what they have been focused on. My hubby and I naturally are like that and for no particular reason will share what we were just thinking about, no matter how insignificant it is, of course without having to be asked to share.
We tackle whatever needs to be said at the time and event is happening because we know how to keep our emotions in control and dont need time to cool off. Communicating is important since most of us are not accomplished mind readers. My husband cooks and makes some awesome meals. However on occasion he has put too much salt in or too much of another seasoning. I suspect he has lost some his ability to taste with his tongue. So I have asked him to please leave salt out and add only to his own bowl. He promises to do so and forgets next time and again and again. Sometimes I eat it but other times its so bad I rinsed all the sauce off my spaghetti noodles in a colander but I ate them. He saw this and instead of taking it personally that he didn't do it right, he felt bad that he couldnt make something edible for me. I did not yell or complain that he had repeated over salted the food several times. All I said was, "I was able to save part of this meal for me to eat, but I may not be able to do that with others dear. With the tight food budget we have, I'd hate to see so much food wasted, unedible." That piece of info about budget hit home at a subconscious level and now he is doing remarkably better and will add only little bits of other flavorings and ask me to taste test first if its good as is or if I want more. Thats an example of an irritating situation where It seems I was being ignored and yet I could read his face and body like a map and know he was not doing it on purpose...he really had not had the right info to reprogram his subconcious mind to kick in gear and get with the program.
You may do better looking for a self help book on relationships the differences between how men and woman think, their ideas of what's important and how they problem solve...all different but its in understanding those differences where you will find success as long your partner is studying too and on the same page as you. I hope this helps a bit more dear.
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