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I'm in a relationship I don't want to be in
I'm dating a guy I don't want to be with but in not so good at breaking up. We have been together a month and a half and he has probably spent over 200 dollars on dates with me. I feel so bad because it's almost valentines day, should I break up with him now or after? He said he has a surprise for me coming valentines day and I don't know what to do. My friend suggested breaking up before valentines because it would give the guy time to return whatever he got me. I need help, I'm not gutsy when it comes to things as such.
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You definitely should break up before Valentines. The sooner the better. I mean that's just being fair and nice to him.
Breaking up is never easy when you actually do care about his feelings. As long as you say it face to face and let him know that you just don't feel the same or whatever the reason why, just be kind and honest.
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You need to figure out why you are dating, and the real purposes of it before you can find it easier to break up.
There are two basic reasons why people are dating:
If you are dating only as a social thing, not serious about finding a life long partner right now, then that is something that should be communicated at the beginning of a dating relationship. SO if he decides to invest money into taking you out, and gifts, when you are not serious about him at the time, then that is his decision and you don't have to feel bad about it, you own him nothing.
If you are dating to find a life long partner and ready to find 'the right one', then it makes no sense to stay with someone that your gut instinct tells you is not the right one. Dating should be a stress free way of checking out guys to see if you like them and keep spending more time together, discovering more if at each stage you find you still like him. If at any point something changes or you discover some things about him that you don't like, then the dating has served its purpose, you've discovered he is not a good man at all or not right for you.
Attraction isn't always fair. Sometimes both people are equally attracted to each other, and sometimes it ends up that only one is.
Your friend is right, it is time to say something to him now before Valentines day.
I think you may have such a hard time also because of how you view the parting of two people who are dating. The word Breaking kind of has a negative feel to it. Like as a kid, getting in trouble for breaking something, ruining something,, that sort of thing. So you may be too focused on "breaking up" as a negative thing only, when actually it as an end result is a positive thing for you, and actually will be for him when he looks back at it in the future. It would be not fair to him for you to pretend to have feelings and love for such a person, even to the point of marriage someday. He deserves to have a woman who is head over heels in love with him cus the whole relationship will be more wonderful and rewarding. You deserve the same thing. The dating process does not necessarily mean you have made a commitment to someone, you are only checking them out. And the checking out process takes some time, it can be months and months of discovering more about the person. It is easy to act nice on a date but living with the person 24/7 will reveal things about them that are now not as easy to hide, things that are very negative and hurtful to you.
So in the future, tell any guy if you are serious about long term partners, that you are serious about finding the right guy so you are not making a commitment to him right now by dating, only to take your time to check him out and see if you are compatible.
For this guy, apologize and say, "I am sorry for not being clear with you in the beginning, or saying anything the moment I knew...but I am not making a commitment to be someones girl just by dating them, dating for me is a way to find out if the guy is right for me. We've been on enough dates that I can tell I don't want to date you any longer. You are a very nice man, and you deserve a girl who is going to be as crazy about you and you are for her. So I need to bring this to an end now. I wish you the best in finding the right girlfriend, but i am not it."
There is no guarantee in life that you meet the right person with the first person you date thereby never having to go through the pain of ending a dating relationship.
Its highly likely that every person will experience the pain of rejection, or the pain of being in a relationship where the other begins to resent them since they are mismatched. Saying nothing or waiting longer will only make a bigger mess of the letting go process. If you are waiting for him to somehow read your mind and figure it out without having to say a word, he may be that blinded by love and may not see it for a long time if ever and you end up married or getting cold feet and leaving him at the alter. This is something you must learn to do, be honest up front.
You must also learn to ask questions. The moment a cute strange guy asks, hey would you like to go out with me? You answer him not with yes or no, but asking a question. "Before I can give an answer, I need to know more about you. Are you looking for someone to settle down with, or just for a social girlfriend. Do you like to date several girls at once or only commit to one? Are you looking only for a sex partner but no other commitment than that? (Some women who are divorced young and had a bad marriage, want the sex but don't want to get into another serious relationship) so the question is appropriate. If he gives the right answers for you, then date him. If at any point, he shows that his words and actions don't match, stop seeing him, he's not worth the time of any girl, he's not relationship material.
I hope this helps you. You need to do the hard work, no one is going to do it for you.
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