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Can forbidden love last?
There is almost noway I can be brief about this, so I BEG for judgement free responses.
Please keep in mind of this before responding : You can choose who you fall in love with when it happens. You can choose when either. When you are in love, you are in love imo.
Her : A 26 year old woman in (not any longer) a relationship for 13 years (not married). Met as children and was forced into a relationship via peer pressure by her friends. For some reason, it lasted this long and she had wanted to get out since she was 16. They have lived together since she was 20 and broke up after he found out that she was had a crush on somebody else 3 years later. They reconciled after 2 months and has lived with him for another 3 years. She has always only saw him as her best friend and was just really attached, never truly in love. He has money and has shielded her from reality. Very controlling and manipulative. Intimate only when he got mad and for 'survival'. There is so much more to add.
Me : 27 at the time I met her a year ago. Had aspirations of becoming a professional bodybuilder (not a joke). I lived like a monk and basically thought relationships were a waste of time. I had very firm beliefs about life in general and I had goals and dreams.
We met online and talked for months as friends. We have the same beliefs about life and everything you can imagine. She told me how depressed she was living a lie with this man. Basically strangers. We fell in love without even knowing how each other looked like nearly 400 miles apart. Soon it became an emotional affair for months.
We met and engaged in forbidden love (to society). Later, I found a job opportunity (leaving everything behind for her) and moved here under the impression she would leave him. But she was so trapped under him. She had no means to leave financially. She was not her own person at all. Very emotionally weak.
Finally (very long story), after months, she was free, but still very broken. I given her everything and went from an ice cold person to truly falling in love.
We almost broke up many times because it was getting to me. She begged and begged for me to stay and so I did. She was so certain she wanted to leave and had wanted to leave many times before she met me but just was too weak and had no means to do it.
Now she is cold. She is so confused and lost. Depressed. She says she still loves me and more than she has ever loved anyone before (she showed it before she left). I feel I fulfilled her romance needs and she would go home for her 'protection'. Now she doesn't have that anymore.
Will we survive? Thanks...
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From what you have written I would say based on what you have written about her she is an emotionally damaged and abused women. she saw and or sees you as her life boat. This is a very bad situation for both of you.
She cannot have any type of true relationship in the future until she reconciles the relationship she had for 13 years. IF you are truly her friend then I urge you to help her get into therapy for battered and abused women.
Her past long term relationship may not have been a physically abusive relationship but a mentally abusive one. Mental abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse for the scars although unseen last longer.
My advice is: Help her get into therapy. Do not get into or back into a relationship with her until she is in therapy and do not consider marriage until her therapist recommends it.
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Look, you can't ask for advice but expect people to suspend all judgement. We have to make some judgements about your situation in order to give you advice.
In my judgement, she sounds like a user. Not an intentional, malicious user, but someone who ends up playing that role. She sounds like someone, maybe due to past abuse in her life, who has not entered the relationship with you as a full person. She doesn't see herself as your equal. She doesn't value herself or trust her ability to manage her own life or perhaps doubts she can survive without a (overbearing) male. The end result, is that your best intentions are taken advantage of by someone who isn't capable of a mature and loving relationship with you.
She might love you. That doesn't mean she is necessarily capable of being a loving partner right now. There is a huge difference between the feeling of love (which you can't usually control) and the behaviour of being loving (which you have complete control over). Being 'in love' doesn't automatically mean you have the skills to behave in loving ways to another person.
Tell her to get her butt into therapy, and you should go as well. She seems well enough aware that she is carrying a lot of baggage and you've both had a year of upheaval, and your bonded over that shared crisis. Your relationship was built on a foundation of fantasy and escapism. Lots of relationships start that way, but now you are going to have to learn to be okay together in the normal, everyday conversations and compromises that make up a real relationship. There is no shame in admitting that you both need some help getting to that place and learning how to do that.
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