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Why is it that i've had so much trouble making friends?
im now 20, in college, and it's the same. like it seems like no matter how nice, funny, well dressed, good at a class, etc. you are, making friends is a complete mystery. i know snooty girls with best friends, nerds with best friends, mean girls with best friends, you name it. i think my weirdest trait is that i ask questions during class.. that's the main thing. but they're always good, never dumb questions. in school i probably overall talked more with teachers during class than i ever did with other students. and my mom said i was a little too "uptight" (wtf) and i have no idea how. im a fun, spontaneous person but you're not going to see me doing drugs or being promiscuous or anything. i have no idea what my mom meant. the closer i am with someone the easier it is for me to call or text them. most people im not that close with, hence i am 20 and i still rarely ever use my phone for anything beyond music and calling my parents once every 2-4 weeks, maybe a sibling, aunt, grandparent, too... that sort of thing. ever since i was 10 or 11 i have looked online about how to make friends and now that im 20 i just completely give up cause nothing works. everyone is nicer online, hence why it's easier for me to make "internet friends". its also a lot easier cause its easy for me to find others with similar interests. i have more friends with similar interests online than offline, actually. im not even that weird. i feel my problems would be alleviated if i lived in a major city like new york or chicago. i try to act like having no best friends (since elementary school) doesn't bother me but deep down its really annoying. like i try to keep myself busy on my weekends alone and ive dealt with it. somehow i was able to get through high school as a major loner (not even by choice. people complain on having a handful of best friends but that was the dream to me) without like committing suicide, cause i cant bring myself to doing such a thing. i know things can get better but they dont. it just pisses me off cause if i become successful what if suddenly people that had ignored me and had sometimes snubbed me suddenly started being nice to me? the idea of that kind of makes me hate people in a sense. i mean i dont hate people by default.. i dont get how i even repel people when nobody else repels me. people who are different from me are even interesting. im your friend as long as you want to be friends, and usually that means they're the ones not pursuing something. and because i havent had much real life social interaction growing up i view a lot of things in.. a theoretical way. like love, and even talking about teenage life. i've never been kissed or on a date, despite honestly being above average in looks, wearing basic make up, dressing business casual, you know, keeping myself in check. and other silly things like sleepovers i mainly know of through what i've seen on tv and read about. it's pretty sad to me. but yeah. im just in a mood right now where im fed up with trying to reach out but fed up with being alone too. cause i realized today i really wanted to talk about the grammys with someone but i have no one i can just go talk to who can really be interested enough to talk to me back. im someone who can talk to a stranger like an old friend. it's just.. human interaction is so annoying sometimes, too. i feel like retreating underground forever and going to a party where i am loved (by more than just family members) at the same time. but all in all i want to scream but i cant scream cause i am in my dorm. i mean even if i get my dream job what is it if my personal life is forever books and the internet. i feel like such insecurities had a big effect on me from the time they occurred around middle school, cause only since then did i start having trouble in school with procrastination and lack of motivation, despite always having big dreams. i do the best in school in the beginning of the year, before the depression kicks in.
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You are probably a very intelligent, unique, special person. I've been through this before and I still have a lot of periods where I feel disconnected from people, even my best friends. In high school, I had barely any friends and was an onlooker to all the girls in their cliques, wishing I could be a part of it. Needless to say, I was very anxious about making friends upon entering college. I realized that if I wanted to make friends and show people the fun, interesting, crazy person I really am I had to show it. Showing it took sacrifice. I had to let go of always trying to be the perfect good girl to please my parents and teachers. This is something I'm still working on but the hurdle I was forced to overcome beginning of freshman year helped the process along tremendously. I had the attitude that I'd never drink or party or care about my appearance and I realized that these things are not so bad and in moderation very fun and helped me to make a lot of friends and be on the same wavelength as everyone else. I stopped hiding girls who were prettier than me as "sluts" and people who weren't as into school as me "dumb." It was really difficult to open my mind in the beginning and a little scary but ultimately got me to make friends and be a happier person. I'm also in a major studying what I love, in an environment where I can be my quirky self and not be judged as weird. From what you say, it sounds like you are really really smart, but also adventurous and fun. Show people this awesome person that you are. Step outside of your comfort zone. Don't worry about being "normal." In time you will find your niche and be glad you didn't. Also, I can tell you are a thinker and get inside your own head. Share what's inside of your mind with the people around you. Remember, you can achieve anything if you want if badly enough. Don't give up; it'll get better!
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