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confusion with the boyfriend.
Hello! First of all I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to read my question and offer your advice.
Female/23
My boyfriend and I are having a bit of a rough patch right now. Everything was perfect up until 3 weeks ago (almost 4 weeks now). We are both busy with our jobs and college/graduate courses so we usually only hang out during the weekends because the week is just too hectic. We would talk every single day (or just about every day). The last time we hung out it could not of gone any better and just before I left to go home, he told me that I was the best thing to have walked in his life in 25 years. Well then out of nowhere things started going south. We have not talked as much and here we are 3 1/2 weeks later and we haven't hung out since. I try to ask him whats wrong and he says that he can not explain it to me because it will make him worry too much. He says he knows he's being selfish but not telling me makes him not think about it and then he doesn't worry as much. He said that in my eyes it might be nothing but it his eyes it is something and right now it's easier to keep it to himself. I'm really worried because he's being so distant and I'm not sure why. He also told me that I worry too much. I know I worry a lot, but it's mainly because he hasn't been the guy I know he is. He hasn't talked to me and we haven't seen each other in a while. It's killing me and I'm not sure what to do anymore. I told him that I feel like things aren't working out anymore and maybe we shouldn't be together and he answered that by saying "wow I'm pretty much at a loss for words" so I said "don't think for a second that I don't want to be with you, because I do. You're the only one I want to be with." and he said "I feel the same way but I don't think you realize how busy I am right now" I feel like he wants things to work out but he has a funny way of showing it. I don't want to do anything rash like that again because trying to have a serious conversation like this should be face to face and not over the phone or through texting, so that's what I have been trying to do. I'm just really worried and I don't know what I can or should do.
I'm really sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense, if I added every detail this would be really long. Thanks again for the advice.
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This is indeed mysterious. I can understand being busy and only having the weekends. But he did say, 'You are the best thing to have walked into my life' and those are not the words of a guy who is insincere or has ulterior motives. I believe he meant it. The one thing I don't know is how long you have known each other and been boyfriend/girlfriend. It could be that it takes him longer than most to build up a level of trust in his partner where he feels 'safe' to be 'an open book', revealing all his thoughts, concerns, fears, etc.
You and I both have little info as to what his schedule is like and whether he believes he truly has no time for down time to relax. If this is the choice he is making, he could burn out quickly if he doesnt find balance. I don't know if he's taking time even to text or call you during the week. Perhaps he doesn't do it as much because hearing your voice makes him want to be with you more which he feels he can't even afford a little time on the weekend to do.
A good healthy relationship takes time to nurture and grow it, it takes spending time in each others lives. Understandably, in college he will have less time but it seems he's headed for choosing to have no time or contact with you, and forgetting how important balance is in ones life. There are many sayings about how "all work and no play" are a problem. We are not meant to carry that kind of stress load. Over time, it could cause serious problems with his health, physically but can affect emotionally too. The saying holds true whether it's all work or all school and studies. You might trying telling him that you understand there hasn't been enough time for him to feel total trust to share with you whats on his mind, what his concerns are, but that it is just as important to have some balance in life. Work or studies 24/7 without any time to recharge not only makes an individual ill but will severely affect any ability to have a good relationship. It is this type who goes on to marry a girl but decides to be married to his job so she never sees him. Those marriages do not do well. He is at a crucial time when he needs to learn balance now and put his own health and welfare higher on the list as well as relationships. Perhaps he is carrying too heavy a load and needs to drop a class to take later. You can try to mention that too. He is young enough to not have life experience of knowing the pitfalls that come with having no free time.
I can share a true story of my 2nd husbands daughter in a prestigeous college for digital art. These kids go on to work for places like Pixar and many other animated movie producers. The school really does push the kids hard because no one can be successful in this business if they cant put up with long hours to meet a production schedule. So she and other students have worked around the clock all night, wee hours of the morning, no time to eat, let alone sleep, maybe a short nap and right back to classes the next day. She has paid for it. She's been really ill, fainting/ passing out, walking pneumonia, and cracking emotionally, calling us at midnight or 2 am bawlling her head off can't she can't handle the stress but yet this is what she is determined to do for a living and be very successful at. Every time, her dad tells her she needs some down time or she could end up in a serious situation she does not recover from. He will also ask her if she's had any opportunity to have sex...because that is one of the best natural stress relievers for humans. He'd ask if there was anyone in school she liked. So once she followed the recommendation and started focusing on finding a sex partner, she felt much better. I am not saying to have sex but if the relationship is at the point, it is a good thing. However just the dating and cuddles and kissing and hand holding is good and will release some of those hormones that help a body de-stress, by filling you with those 'feel good' hormones.
A lot depends on his response and willingness to see you even if for a short while for his sake as well as yours.
Two people who love each other but are apart for a long time or periods of time, begin to lose some of that bond and the feelings too. Women with husbands in miliatary may be excited that he's back home but I've heard that often they feel like they are hanging out with a stranger and have to start all over again with getting to know and feel comfortable with, etc....
If he won't respond and continues to stay distant, you can choose to wait for him, but after a while, the feelings may fade. Once he's done with school, will things be better or will he pour all that extra time into work instead of into you. There's no way to know that, no way to even have a hint of anything if he is not talking and sharing whats going on in his head.
Some people are very private and don't talk much. I suppose there are guys like that who are married. I know of a lot who aren't because of that. If you are outgoing and like to talk and know whats going on in peoples heads, that is normal, thats the way my husband and i are. I never have to guess whats going on, the moment I ask, he shares all. This is not a sign that you worry too much when you need a certain level of communication to be happy. I've found that with a higher level of communication, it is way easier to build our level of trust in each other. These Are important things to have in a relationship. So you will need to decide for yourself whether to wait for him, but no guarantee with things changing, or have some good talks with him, and he see's the light and starts making some subtle changes now and he should end up happier and less stressed. If spending time with you is not helping his stress go down, my guess is his mind has not disengaged from his school and work to focus on being in the moment with you and it doesnt work for him, that or he's not with the right woman...one who will merely by her presense calm him. Doesn't mean anything is wrong with you,,it can be a thing of having chemistry that differs too much. I think you will know what to do. Listen to your gut feeling. Tell yourself not to worry, that you will take whatever path is best for you no matter how strong your feelings for him. I have found over time my feelings will change to fit the new path as long as I am not resisting it mentally. Let your angels guide you too. Say a prayer. Whatever answers come to you when you are not flooded with fearful feelings at the time, but peace instead, thats probably the way to go. Best of luck. Write me again if you need, any time.
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