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Marriage to a truck driver
I'm 28f married for 6 yrs with 2 kids. I'm so confused and hurt he's a truck driver gone for a month or more at a time. He hardly ever calls when he does he usually ends up putting me down or mad. When he's home he has friends over all the time or always on the phone never time for his family. He's started drinking when he used to not like to be around anyone who was drinking and he has his fronds over in the house with the kids drinking I'm not happy with this at all. The last time he was home he told me we were going grocery shopping and I got ready he went and took a shower put on his best clothes and cologne which is extremely unusual and had his friends leave and flat out refused to go together and wouldn't tell me where he went he didn't come home until 3 am and still didn't tell me anything. I think he was cheating maybe not physically but maybe emotionally or whatever. ( I think he was with his ex gf). He's always telling me I'm boring and tells me we don't do anything together but play video games and watch movies. That's hard to do anything when he comes home and spends all the money on crap or his friends are stuck up his butt all the time. If I try to talk to him about anything I usually get put down or ignored but if I did that to him he would go all to hell on me. He left his Facebook logged in one time and yes I read messages he was telling his friends that are female that he never really loved me he is just growing to love me, and how bad of a wife and mom I am. He told me this week that a ex gf was calling him asking him if he was unhappy married and he told me he said he was happy with me. I'm so confused I don't know what to do anymore I can't talk to him, I'm hoping something changes soon. Any advice?
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Sounds to me like your place is just a non motel stop to stay at between scheduled drives. He doesn't sound like he's happy to be home to see you and the kids.
One thing that can change a person is drinking.But he isn't totally 100% drunk the whole time he is home, is he? When "All goes to hell" as you say when you confront him, I wonder if some of those times he is sober. There has to be a time in the past you can go back to, where he treated you wonderful, was loving and caring, spoke kindly to you, always building you up instead of verbally abusing you as you seem to be saying. If there was such a time, then it must be the alcohol, maybe even drugs, that brought on the changes that you see today. If he never did treat you good at all in all the 6 years but it just wasn't as bad then as it is now, then he is a verbally abusive man who in not in love with you and as long as you are married to him, without him going for help to a counselor, then you can expect his behavior to get worse. My ex was such a person and got worse over the years, putting me down, never saw himself as having a problem....and that dear is likely the problem with your husband. If he doesnt see that he has a problem or worse, is pointing at others, accusing them of being the problem, he is not ready to change. When finally at the time my kids were teen agers, one out of home, he finally went to see a counselor but only because some friends of ours talked to him, that they would have nothing more to do with us and that I was planning to leave him if things did not improve. He would have shouted me down but felt he had to listen to them. He admitted he was not and never had been in love with me. But he did go to a counselor and I went along. It was confirmed I wasn't the one with a problem, he was. The counselor told me in private that even if he dutifully came for counseling appts. weekly that it could take the rest of his life for him to make even a tiny little bit of progress and improvement in his behavior. Did I think there was still hope for my marriage and would I stick with it? Its easy to look at getting by the next 6 months, the next year if there is no improvement, maybe even I could handle the next 2,3 yrs in my mind, but being in my forties then, when I looked at living the next 10 or 20 yrs with him with no improvement, just more of the same I was getting from him, I felt instantly depressed and knew I could not face it.
So try to talk to your husband about marriage counseling. This is not proper treatment of you and certainly not the kids either. If he won't listen to you, try to find a mutual friend who's willing to talk to him, cus he may be more likely to listen to someone other than you. This friend might also bring up going to AA, alcholics anonymous. The only problem is that with his schedule of being on the road alot, he won't be able to go regularly to counseling and AA even if he is gung ho for it. And just that fact, may cause him to fail at getting any better due to the lack of consistancy in help. You can give it a try if he's willing. Otherwise, if not, you will need to decide if you are willing to sacrifice your emotional health as well as the emotional health of your kids by staying with him, as I did. Or would you be brave enough to leave him. I wasn't. I can't tell you what to do. But I can say that there is a life lesson to be learned in all this. I can't tell you what it is but eventually, your inner voice will confirm what you are supposed to do, the experience you must go through, anything that would help hone and shape you into something even more beautiful as a soul for going through it. But there's comes a point when a stone has been shaped and honed and polished and no longer needs to go through the abrasive rough handling. The trick is to know when that is and move on.
I am going to burst your bubble if you think that you can make him change for the better. No one can change anyone else. The desire to change is something that develops internally once the heart and mind of an individual gets to the right place. external influences can only perhaps touch their heart or mind...but he has to decide to put action and willpower to the feelings that he needs to improve.
What about family? Do you have family that can help be supportive of you if you and he need to split? I have given you some things to think about and can't tell you what to do in the end. That decision is yours to make. I wish you the best dear. I know what its like to be in your shoes.
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