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Confusion (Long question with details)
This is going to be real long :/ I need advice, Opinions and thoughts on what this all says about a person please.
Have you ever had so much to say but can't find the words to even describe just one way you feel or even think? Does it ever cross your mind that the things you think about are things you've talked about a million times? When you've tried everything to forgive and forget certain situations or past events but they randomly creep up at you when you are given a free moment to think. Perhaps the thinking is nonstop on a daily basis and becomes a rare friend or even a perfect enemy? Sometimes you are dazed or lost in deep thought and someone ask "Are you alright?" Mhm, Sure I am alright. I have a million and one things on my mind on a daily basis that I never have a moment to comprehend or sort out the real problem of things. It's a maze or what I would even call an entire new world nobody knows nothing about. A world that haunts, hurts, confuses and even at times angers. They say everybody fights or has demons in their closet, True. Try living with them in your mind, Try fighting with what is right and wrong to say. When something bothers you so much but don't feel the energy to talk about it. You begin to ask yourself whether you are going insane or if the problem is apart of you. Do people really understand you? or maybe they think they understand you?
I ask myself, Who was that women standing in the fields while the rain came pouring in? Oh yes, That was me. That person was the hallucination of feelings and emotions that I have created. We are bound to forgive and forget, The one thing that doesn't seem to exist to me. I cannot recall the last time I have forgiven someone and that is truly forgiving them without hard feelings. I remember things that have happened years ago and still have never truly been able to let them go. I feel that people can only be hurt so many times before they eventually learn to bottle feelings and move the fuck on. It's almost like a choke hold, It begins to eat you alive but after so long of doing so, You begin to deal with the pain.
When people try to get talk to me, I have a tendency of brushing them off. I seem to have almost little to no interest in socializing with people because I feel drained and overwhelmed with the thought of sparking a social conversation. I prefer to make a quick "Hi and Bye" rather then a 10 minute conversation with people and at times even people that I am close with. The word "Friend" is almost like nails on chalkboard. I feel it's a drag to go visit someone, My energy becomes low and again, I have no interest or desire. I can't quite pin point the reasons to why I feel this way, That I am still trying to figure out. Over the years, I have had friendships that have fallen out. I have been betrayed, Lied too, Back stabbed and the whole caboodle. I suppose this would explain why I have barricaded myself. I can't let it go, I have tried. I have tried to explain my hurt and frustrations.
The reason why I am against a lot of suggestions is for a reason, Some of these reasons I cannot explain. I have a hard time admitting many things because I have yet to face them myself and some things, I don't know if I will ever face at all. I am not perfect, Although sometimes I try and pretend to be. I just want to think I am perfect.
I am afraid to forgive people who have hurt me, I am afraid to let people in because of the fear that I will or could be hurt again. I don't trust because I never learned how to trust. I don't do a lot of things, Simply because I am afraid too. Sometimes I feel that people push me or suggest things that make me feel forced to change or come out of a shell that I have been battling with for a very long time. At times, I feel that asking someone to listen or try to understand me is impossible. Once again, This is hard for me. I am trying to express myself...
One thing I hate to admit, I will admit only this one time. I am very afraid of people. I talk, I go out but when it comes to socializing I fail miserably. I cannot make friends, I am jealous and I also fear the possibility of me ever getting close with someone besides my family.
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Hi, I can help you. That's if you are ready for it (which I think you are because you wrote this). There's a lot that I've got to say on this (there's a lot of different aspects that need to be discussed-that's if you can trust a complete stranger [me]). I know exactly how you feel and what you feel (let's just say that I know how to help you to overcome this fear). Because there is so much for me to say about this, I will make a suggestion to you: my suggestion is a live chat/or talking through email (more privacy). You can contact me through my email: Natka143@hotmail.co.uk with your decision.
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