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Anger Management
Hey there. I have a very sensitive issue in my relationship and I do hope you can help me.
My boyfriend and I have dated for well over a year now and things have gotten pretty serious.In that one year, I can say that we have only been in two serious fights. They both have had something to do with me,and something I might have declined to do and he felt that I wasn't being there for him.
The common factor with these two situations have been that he gets so angry,which leads him to be disrespectful to me no matter how many times I try to talk to him.He becomes very cold and un-approachable and this makes me feel helpless because I want to fix the problem and get him to talk to me.
I will mention our most recent argument.We had spent the afternoon together and time flew so fast and before I know it,it's way too late and I have to go.He wanted me to stay abit longer and maybe be intimate one last time before I leave,but at this point my mind was so pre-occupied and the focus was getting home. He took this to mean that I am ignoring him and not paying attention. (Very petty if you asked me.I mean I was there since mid-morning.) I did try to make it right by talking to him and trying to make him less upset,but he wasn't having it. The ride home was awkward because we didn't talk.Just a slight hug when I arrived and that's it.I remember being scared of him at some point because I had never seen someone who goes from 0 to 60 that fast!!
The next day was a Monday.He began by forwarding me an email to a wedding he wants us to go to. He remembered that I like themed weddings,and this was one of them. WTF? It's like the previous day never even happened.
So..anger management.
1.I know we all have our ways of reacting,but what should we accept and should we not tolerate? And with a case like my boyfriend,who lashes out and would rather not talk about it,how can I deal with it? I am one of the emotional types,and I say all I need to say when I'm angry so I appreciate if someone were like to me so that I would know what's wrong.
2.My boyfriend..I feel like taking some time off to get over this incident,but at the same time I would like to talk about this and I would appreciate some responsibility for the part he played in this. Problem is,I don't know how to bring this up.I have been quiet ever since that day and we haven't spoken much in three days.
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adviceman49..
Thank you for your answer. However,I still cannot relate with this to ma as a person and to us as a couple. I would like specific answers to the questions I have asked above.
Regards.
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Anger and anger management are tricky subjects to discuss even with a loved one. From the psychological aspect of anger. It is generally found that this anger comes from some deep seated unresolved issue, which may stem from something as far back as childhood. We can always learn to control our anger, which may be what your boyfriend is doing by becoming non communicative when he is angry. Which as you are finding out is not the best way to resolve or even control his anger issues. Also when we do let our anger out it generally flies in the face of someone we love.
It takes a trained psychologist to help us get at the root cause of are anger issues. To deal with them or it and learn how to move forward. This type of help works as I have been through it. The problem is I had to want the help it could not be forced upon me. I almost lost my family before I asked for this help and the same may be true for your boyfriend.
You can suggest this type of help to him and even suggest joint counseling to make it easier for him to accept. In the end though it has to be his decision to want the help or it will not work. He has to want to work with the therapist, to trust the therapist enough to allow them to delve into areas he has blocked of so as not to hurt him.
There is no physical hurt to the therapy sessions but when you allow the therapist to open what I referred to as Pandora's box it was a bit scary. It had been a long time as I found out what I had locked away and how much I locked away. For me it was mental abuse during my childhood that was the root cause of my anger issues. I had learned to deal with it in my own way, the wrong way, and tried to put it behind me. Now after working with my therapist I can say I'm a different person then I have been and I get along with people better.
Do not badger him to get into therapy as that won't work. Do try to coax him. Also try to get him to have a complete physical as sometimes the anger issues have a basis in an organic cause he and his doctor may not be aware of. What could this be. The biggest one would be a hormone imbalance.
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